So my friend has a boyfriend. And it is so unlike her because she was the last person I expected to hear this from when she said "I want a boyfriend" about a month ago. And now she has one, in secret from her parents.
I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I want to go out with this guy, yes, but I also want him to be competent enough under that pressure and I don't know with his mind.....he becomes closed under pressure, criticism, ect, or under stress/hard work I don't know what he's like. Is he socially stable enough that he could do it? And still notice me, still keep me in his mind? What if he's panicking the whole time because of people and protecting himself? This is my you shouldn't date anybody insecure. I don't know if he is or not. I just can't tell. Either way it's probably not going to happen anytime because he's not interested in girls, they're a distraction and distractions are bad.
I just need to know, do I want this, or do I not?
It's funny, at the end of last year all my teachers were like, really saying what they thought about me, and one of them who was so smart and wonderful and I wish I had him for more than 1 quarter said I was the girl who "knew what she wanted" and I think he meant it in a good way, but I didn't see it in myself. I mean, it sounded bad to begin with. Maybe he meant I would go for whatever I decided, being very decisive. But I don't know how he could've ever seen that or when, and I didn't always decide on what I wanted. Did he think I could plan long term? And not lose sight of it too often? Was I very defined as a person? I mean, I knew what I wanted to be and what I didn't. I like being a definitive person. At the same time I don't making decisions. You know what I mean? About myself as an individual and my beliefs ect I will define that, that is important. Where exactly you should put those cymbals so it's convenient I don't care, like I don't care where we go as long as there's food.
I need to know do I want this. Well I don't. I don't want to have extra feelings for him; I saw it coming though and it sucked. Just knowing "Oh hey, there's another guy my age I'm going to have to interact with this year! Oh, he's cool." And generally I'll avoid them, try to not get to know them. "Goddamnit, I'm going to have extra feelings for him aren't I?" Then they fascinate me too much and I get curious and have to get to know them. "Well, I might not have those feelings if I really get to know him." "Oh well that's not really a problem....it can be fixed.....at least he's like this....could be worse....well that's kinda bad but cute...." and it goes on. "Could he sustain a relationship? Is he worth knowing?" If the answer to the second is no I'll cut my ties to my feelings, the first is less important. Of course I'm not all that great at this, if I were I'd be concerned because that would mean I do it a lot. Which is bad. So I'll try to cut ties but it won't work and from there, anything could happen.
Could've seen it coming. So could all my other smart good friends. He, being oblivious as anything is so out of it.....maybe knows. It's so goddamn obvious if he didn't well then there's a problem. But that's a good thing maybe because it allows me to overreact.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this isn't a huge part of my life. A "love life"'s important but not too important; unfortunately it usually ends up being the dominant part of our lives, instead of other things....
even today i was thinking "oh that's so cool I should do that!" then "oh wait...yeah it won't happen. i'll be too tired or i'll be doing this or thinking or doing this." and they're all dumb. it's happened a lot lately. reality has been very real lately.
I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I want to go out with this guy, yes, but I also want him to be competent enough under that pressure and I don't know with his mind.....he becomes closed under pressure, criticism, ect, or under stress/hard work I don't know what he's like. Is he socially stable enough that he could do it? And still notice me, still keep me in his mind? What if he's panicking the whole time because of people and protecting himself? This is my you shouldn't date anybody insecure. I don't know if he is or not. I just can't tell. Either way it's probably not going to happen anytime because he's not interested in girls, they're a distraction and distractions are bad.
I just need to know, do I want this, or do I not?
It's funny, at the end of last year all my teachers were like, really saying what they thought about me, and one of them who was so smart and wonderful and I wish I had him for more than 1 quarter said I was the girl who "knew what she wanted" and I think he meant it in a good way, but I didn't see it in myself. I mean, it sounded bad to begin with. Maybe he meant I would go for whatever I decided, being very decisive. But I don't know how he could've ever seen that or when, and I didn't always decide on what I wanted. Did he think I could plan long term? And not lose sight of it too often? Was I very defined as a person? I mean, I knew what I wanted to be and what I didn't. I like being a definitive person. At the same time I don't making decisions. You know what I mean? About myself as an individual and my beliefs ect I will define that, that is important. Where exactly you should put those cymbals so it's convenient I don't care, like I don't care where we go as long as there's food.
I need to know do I want this. Well I don't. I don't want to have extra feelings for him; I saw it coming though and it sucked. Just knowing "Oh hey, there's another guy my age I'm going to have to interact with this year! Oh, he's cool." And generally I'll avoid them, try to not get to know them. "Goddamnit, I'm going to have extra feelings for him aren't I?" Then they fascinate me too much and I get curious and have to get to know them. "Well, I might not have those feelings if I really get to know him." "Oh well that's not really a problem....it can be fixed.....at least he's like this....could be worse....well that's kinda bad but cute...." and it goes on. "Could he sustain a relationship? Is he worth knowing?" If the answer to the second is no I'll cut my ties to my feelings, the first is less important. Of course I'm not all that great at this, if I were I'd be concerned because that would mean I do it a lot. Which is bad. So I'll try to cut ties but it won't work and from there, anything could happen.
Could've seen it coming. So could all my other smart good friends. He, being oblivious as anything is so out of it.....maybe knows. It's so goddamn obvious if he didn't well then there's a problem. But that's a good thing maybe because it allows me to overreact.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this isn't a huge part of my life. A "love life"'s important but not too important; unfortunately it usually ends up being the dominant part of our lives, instead of other things....
even today i was thinking "oh that's so cool I should do that!" then "oh wait...yeah it won't happen. i'll be too tired or i'll be doing this or thinking or doing this." and they're all dumb. it's happened a lot lately. reality has been very real lately.
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