~something I recently read~
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Do I really
Do I really want to publish my I Am poem? Everyone that read it said it seemed super personal and they didn't know all those things about me.
Just for Fun
Check out zodiacsociety.com, pretty cool
I'm not saying to believe in this kind of thing. I honestly haven't done enough research in it (Zodiac, Chinese calendar, ect) myself to decide at all!! It's just fun sometimes.
I was reading through my sign, and it made me laugh and smile every time I read something that was true. Which is often.
I really need to start researching on this; it'd be so helpful!! >___< And I ought to just because...
I did giggle reading compatibility ratings with someone's I know signs. The communication, very low oh dear god x)
In case you were wondering, I am a Scorpio, you should read about that ;D
So I just went back on (I got to like page 5, wrote/published this, now I'm on 11)
How many times did you say
"Oh God YES."
hehehehehehehe
I'm not saying to believe in this kind of thing. I honestly haven't done enough research in it (Zodiac, Chinese calendar, ect) myself to decide at all!! It's just fun sometimes.
I was reading through my sign, and it made me laugh and smile every time I read something that was true. Which is often.
I really need to start researching on this; it'd be so helpful!! >___< And I ought to just because...
I did giggle reading compatibility ratings with someone's I know signs. The communication, very low oh dear god x)
In case you were wondering, I am a Scorpio, you should read about that ;D
So I just went back on (I got to like page 5, wrote/published this, now I'm on 11)
How many times did you say
"Oh God YES."
hehehehehehehe
Loving a smart, openminded person
So I was listening to some songs and thinking "Wow, I could never fall in love with an artist that writes love songs, I mean, it'd just be hard...." And then I thought
Is it harder to love a smart, openminded person, or not?
I think they make better people, but as love interests, they're well, not necessarily harder to please, they;re just honest with themselves. As for myself, I don't think it would make any difference; you don't have to be insecure at all if we were in a relationship. They'd possibly be smart enough to know how to keep a relationship together.
But being smart and not having the stability to handle it....is a tragedy. Intelligent and impaired people are sometimes the most dangerous.
Still, would you be scared to love someone that's very openminded? Yes, but what if they're secure in themselves (who they are) and smart enough to sort through all the ideas and always improve? I wouldn't be. Jealous? Possibly, depending on who you are. But this would probably mean that they're fairly popular. Could you deal with that?
You know what's hard to do? Find someone that looks up to you, even though both of you are on the same level. I think if you find someone like that and it's mutual it'll create an awesome relationship. I know for me I'm always the one looking up to the person who's the same (or even below) me and that would just be bad....who knows.
Is it harder to love a smart, openminded person, or not?
I think they make better people, but as love interests, they're well, not necessarily harder to please, they;re just honest with themselves. As for myself, I don't think it would make any difference; you don't have to be insecure at all if we were in a relationship. They'd possibly be smart enough to know how to keep a relationship together.
But being smart and not having the stability to handle it....is a tragedy. Intelligent and impaired people are sometimes the most dangerous.
Still, would you be scared to love someone that's very openminded? Yes, but what if they're secure in themselves (who they are) and smart enough to sort through all the ideas and always improve? I wouldn't be. Jealous? Possibly, depending on who you are. But this would probably mean that they're fairly popular. Could you deal with that?
You know what's hard to do? Find someone that looks up to you, even though both of you are on the same level. I think if you find someone like that and it's mutual it'll create an awesome relationship. I know for me I'm always the one looking up to the person who's the same (or even below) me and that would just be bad....who knows.
Parent/Sibling Analysis
How much of an impact can a parent *really* have on their child? And their siblings? And the order that they were born?
I might've mentioned before that reading the "First Born Advantage" (I don't remember the author) is very enlightening. It's an analysis of how the distance in age between your siblings and the order you were born in affects you.
How much potential does a parent have to determine how their child thinks, feels about the world, and acts in response to certain situations? How many of these would be good and how many are bad? It's kind of scary. Sometime you see such a wonderful child and then you see their parent and think "Oh dear why did you get such a pleasant child thank goodness he/she is alright!" but all the same you can see their affect.
At the moment I've been analyzing guys with little sisters, augh, they're probably the least likeliest to have any interest in me depending on how they see me, because I could be exactly what they're looking for because of the fact that they've lived with a little sister before but if say, I have to be in a higher leadership position than them or in a way, "be strong" in front of them it could turn them off. And when they have older brothers.....dear lord. That just turns bad, a lot of the times.
Sometimes I think the very thing that's stopping a wonderful relationship is one of the pair's siblings, or both, or their parents, and how they've been raised. And even if they're smart they might not have been brought up with a strong personality, but more of a passive one with/against their family, so they'll never break through. And the firstborn will but if he's smart he'll break through and make it seem like he hasn't so that the younger two don't break out of their parent's ideas of right and wrong.
I think a parent's duty is to raise a child that will make improvements and contribute to society. Nothing more, nothing less. It takes a lot to do that.
I might've mentioned before that reading the "First Born Advantage" (I don't remember the author) is very enlightening. It's an analysis of how the distance in age between your siblings and the order you were born in affects you.
How much potential does a parent have to determine how their child thinks, feels about the world, and acts in response to certain situations? How many of these would be good and how many are bad? It's kind of scary. Sometime you see such a wonderful child and then you see their parent and think "Oh dear why did you get such a pleasant child thank goodness he/she is alright!" but all the same you can see their affect.
At the moment I've been analyzing guys with little sisters, augh, they're probably the least likeliest to have any interest in me depending on how they see me, because I could be exactly what they're looking for because of the fact that they've lived with a little sister before but if say, I have to be in a higher leadership position than them or in a way, "be strong" in front of them it could turn them off. And when they have older brothers.....dear lord. That just turns bad, a lot of the times.
Sometimes I think the very thing that's stopping a wonderful relationship is one of the pair's siblings, or both, or their parents, and how they've been raised. And even if they're smart they might not have been brought up with a strong personality, but more of a passive one with/against their family, so they'll never break through. And the firstborn will but if he's smart he'll break through and make it seem like he hasn't so that the younger two don't break out of their parent's ideas of right and wrong.
I think a parent's duty is to raise a child that will make improvements and contribute to society. Nothing more, nothing less. It takes a lot to do that.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Standards (great stuff)
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't try my best in
elementary and get top grades or compliments and if all those teachers
and family members didn't say I was smart and everything. First off, I
wouldn't have a drive to give my all which is bad but I also wouldn't
have been wondering if I really was talented or not, if I had any gifts,
or if the only thing I could really do was academics. That's all I
thought I had on others back then, and it made me so insecure. Always
asking "Am I really talented?" I know I'm not now though x)
But see my parents still think I'm talented. What if I had gotten 2's on my report cards instead of 4's? B's in 6th grade instead of easy A's? They think I'm talented enough, but I'm not you see. Their standard is now like the stupid Asian stereotype - A's are okay A+ in all honors or Advanced Placement classes and there's not a single freaking reason why you shouldn't be in the top of your class.
They say they understand...they don't.
I wish their standard were like the school's. Which is admittedly really low. C's are average okay? C's are okay. What's wrong with having a goddamn C?! They don't think so. Augh. I can give up my dream to go to the MIT for a single B. I mean, I'll look back on it but I won't regret it. I won't let myself regret it.
Now they're stuck thinking A's are easily doable. It also means I f*cked this up for my little brother too. Except he's going into sports, as I went into music. But he's also doing music. I don't even know.
All the same my friend and I had to do a duet today, the same duet as everyone else in the class but we were the top players and we're the only ones that played for everyone, but I heard how bad everyone did....and they said we were amazing. Like really pretty. Even the two moms that were there congratulated us. And we did horrid, it wasn't even out best.
Standards...
But see my parents still think I'm talented. What if I had gotten 2's on my report cards instead of 4's? B's in 6th grade instead of easy A's? They think I'm talented enough, but I'm not you see. Their standard is now like the stupid Asian stereotype - A's are okay A+ in all honors or Advanced Placement classes and there's not a single freaking reason why you shouldn't be in the top of your class.
They say they understand...they don't.
I wish their standard were like the school's. Which is admittedly really low. C's are average okay? C's are okay. What's wrong with having a goddamn C?! They don't think so. Augh. I can give up my dream to go to the MIT for a single B. I mean, I'll look back on it but I won't regret it. I won't let myself regret it.
Now they're stuck thinking A's are easily doable. It also means I f*cked this up for my little brother too. Except he's going into sports, as I went into music. But he's also doing music. I don't even know.
All the same my friend and I had to do a duet today, the same duet as everyone else in the class but we were the top players and we're the only ones that played for everyone, but I heard how bad everyone did....and they said we were amazing. Like really pretty. Even the two moms that were there congratulated us. And we did horrid, it wasn't even out best.
Standards...
Good stuff
Funny, I remember being a little kid and whenever someone would say "Thank you" when others of us forgot, I'd feel bad for saying it after them because it made it seem like we didn't really mean it, we just forgot. It was horrible. Especially with my parents 'cause I never really knew when. Or when my brother said it before me.
So from then on I made it a point to always say it first. And so I do, and I don't ever forget now.
If we're like going in turns and it's just the person in front of me that starts saying thank you then oh well. A smile helps.
I wonder about those people, you know, who's eyes are sad? They're just really hurting you know? You can tell they're being so hurt and they're sad. It's not really their fault, and sometimes you can see why and sometimes it isn't obvious.
I wonder if you could see that if you looked into my eyes. My parents won't, they can't, because they don't think it's possible that I could be that sad. They would think my home life isn't that tragic at all compared to who they see. They don't know that though. For all they know I could be, but they won't see it.
Getting onto adrenaline was something I was thinking about before, and how I could get into it. I mean I was partially thinking of it because my mom said "Sometimes crying is good for your soul." Bitch please, it just releases endorphins which make you feel good. I can get on adrenaline from being around my friends, I used to, now it's kind of normal but I can be on adrenaline highs pretty easy, I mean, just seeing something I think is cool (but isn't at all like four people doing the exact same thing or having the same expression I don't even know) can make me excited or say just a hug. Now that nearly killed me last Friday.
But I feel like the only time I'm really happy is when I'm on adrenaline. Otherwise I'm in a bit of a stressed out mood. Or deliriously happy (I mean, I'm tired, so I'm running off excitement) <- when I'm at rehearsal for 3 hours at night after a long day but the excitement is just playing, it makes no sense.
So, because of that, you'd never tell if I really am sad because my body is emitting this energy. And what if you get sad and tired confused? I'm generally always the same level of tiredness but my eyes....I don't know what's in them. On another note, 80's and Queen is happy music.
Another thing. You look at people's faces and their eyes and they match how they act and their brain and who they are and ect, it just matches their essence and soul. I don't match.....at all. At least I don't think so. If you saw my face you'd think of something else. Then again there's nothing really like me at all. I have quite a unique childhood, okay, and I don't even know.
So I had a whole shpeel of good thoughts so I'm going to post it next.
So from then on I made it a point to always say it first. And so I do, and I don't ever forget now.
If we're like going in turns and it's just the person in front of me that starts saying thank you then oh well. A smile helps.
I wonder about those people, you know, who's eyes are sad? They're just really hurting you know? You can tell they're being so hurt and they're sad. It's not really their fault, and sometimes you can see why and sometimes it isn't obvious.
I wonder if you could see that if you looked into my eyes. My parents won't, they can't, because they don't think it's possible that I could be that sad. They would think my home life isn't that tragic at all compared to who they see. They don't know that though. For all they know I could be, but they won't see it.
Getting onto adrenaline was something I was thinking about before, and how I could get into it. I mean I was partially thinking of it because my mom said "Sometimes crying is good for your soul." Bitch please, it just releases endorphins which make you feel good. I can get on adrenaline from being around my friends, I used to, now it's kind of normal but I can be on adrenaline highs pretty easy, I mean, just seeing something I think is cool (but isn't at all like four people doing the exact same thing or having the same expression I don't even know) can make me excited or say just a hug. Now that nearly killed me last Friday.
But I feel like the only time I'm really happy is when I'm on adrenaline. Otherwise I'm in a bit of a stressed out mood. Or deliriously happy (I mean, I'm tired, so I'm running off excitement) <- when I'm at rehearsal for 3 hours at night after a long day but the excitement is just playing, it makes no sense.
So, because of that, you'd never tell if I really am sad because my body is emitting this energy. And what if you get sad and tired confused? I'm generally always the same level of tiredness but my eyes....I don't know what's in them. On another note, 80's and Queen is happy music.
Another thing. You look at people's faces and their eyes and they match how they act and their brain and who they are and ect, it just matches their essence and soul. I don't match.....at all. At least I don't think so. If you saw my face you'd think of something else. Then again there's nothing really like me at all. I have quite a unique childhood, okay, and I don't even know.
So I had a whole shpeel of good thoughts so I'm going to post it next.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
:P
So my friend has a boyfriend. And it is so unlike her because she was the last person I expected to hear this from when she said "I want a boyfriend" about a month ago. And now she has one, in secret from her parents.
I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I want to go out with this guy, yes, but I also want him to be competent enough under that pressure and I don't know with his mind.....he becomes closed under pressure, criticism, ect, or under stress/hard work I don't know what he's like. Is he socially stable enough that he could do it? And still notice me, still keep me in his mind? What if he's panicking the whole time because of people and protecting himself? This is my you shouldn't date anybody insecure. I don't know if he is or not. I just can't tell. Either way it's probably not going to happen anytime because he's not interested in girls, they're a distraction and distractions are bad.
I just need to know, do I want this, or do I not?
It's funny, at the end of last year all my teachers were like, really saying what they thought about me, and one of them who was so smart and wonderful and I wish I had him for more than 1 quarter said I was the girl who "knew what she wanted" and I think he meant it in a good way, but I didn't see it in myself. I mean, it sounded bad to begin with. Maybe he meant I would go for whatever I decided, being very decisive. But I don't know how he could've ever seen that or when, and I didn't always decide on what I wanted. Did he think I could plan long term? And not lose sight of it too often? Was I very defined as a person? I mean, I knew what I wanted to be and what I didn't. I like being a definitive person. At the same time I don't making decisions. You know what I mean? About myself as an individual and my beliefs ect I will define that, that is important. Where exactly you should put those cymbals so it's convenient I don't care, like I don't care where we go as long as there's food.
I need to know do I want this. Well I don't. I don't want to have extra feelings for him; I saw it coming though and it sucked. Just knowing "Oh hey, there's another guy my age I'm going to have to interact with this year! Oh, he's cool." And generally I'll avoid them, try to not get to know them. "Goddamnit, I'm going to have extra feelings for him aren't I?" Then they fascinate me too much and I get curious and have to get to know them. "Well, I might not have those feelings if I really get to know him." "Oh well that's not really a problem....it can be fixed.....at least he's like this....could be worse....well that's kinda bad but cute...." and it goes on. "Could he sustain a relationship? Is he worth knowing?" If the answer to the second is no I'll cut my ties to my feelings, the first is less important. Of course I'm not all that great at this, if I were I'd be concerned because that would mean I do it a lot. Which is bad. So I'll try to cut ties but it won't work and from there, anything could happen.
Could've seen it coming. So could all my other smart good friends. He, being oblivious as anything is so out of it.....maybe knows. It's so goddamn obvious if he didn't well then there's a problem. But that's a good thing maybe because it allows me to overreact.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this isn't a huge part of my life. A "love life"'s important but not too important; unfortunately it usually ends up being the dominant part of our lives, instead of other things....
even today i was thinking "oh that's so cool I should do that!" then "oh wait...yeah it won't happen. i'll be too tired or i'll be doing this or thinking or doing this." and they're all dumb. it's happened a lot lately. reality has been very real lately.
I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I want to go out with this guy, yes, but I also want him to be competent enough under that pressure and I don't know with his mind.....he becomes closed under pressure, criticism, ect, or under stress/hard work I don't know what he's like. Is he socially stable enough that he could do it? And still notice me, still keep me in his mind? What if he's panicking the whole time because of people and protecting himself? This is my you shouldn't date anybody insecure. I don't know if he is or not. I just can't tell. Either way it's probably not going to happen anytime because he's not interested in girls, they're a distraction and distractions are bad.
I just need to know, do I want this, or do I not?
It's funny, at the end of last year all my teachers were like, really saying what they thought about me, and one of them who was so smart and wonderful and I wish I had him for more than 1 quarter said I was the girl who "knew what she wanted" and I think he meant it in a good way, but I didn't see it in myself. I mean, it sounded bad to begin with. Maybe he meant I would go for whatever I decided, being very decisive. But I don't know how he could've ever seen that or when, and I didn't always decide on what I wanted. Did he think I could plan long term? And not lose sight of it too often? Was I very defined as a person? I mean, I knew what I wanted to be and what I didn't. I like being a definitive person. At the same time I don't making decisions. You know what I mean? About myself as an individual and my beliefs ect I will define that, that is important. Where exactly you should put those cymbals so it's convenient I don't care, like I don't care where we go as long as there's food.
I need to know do I want this. Well I don't. I don't want to have extra feelings for him; I saw it coming though and it sucked. Just knowing "Oh hey, there's another guy my age I'm going to have to interact with this year! Oh, he's cool." And generally I'll avoid them, try to not get to know them. "Goddamnit, I'm going to have extra feelings for him aren't I?" Then they fascinate me too much and I get curious and have to get to know them. "Well, I might not have those feelings if I really get to know him." "Oh well that's not really a problem....it can be fixed.....at least he's like this....could be worse....well that's kinda bad but cute...." and it goes on. "Could he sustain a relationship? Is he worth knowing?" If the answer to the second is no I'll cut my ties to my feelings, the first is less important. Of course I'm not all that great at this, if I were I'd be concerned because that would mean I do it a lot. Which is bad. So I'll try to cut ties but it won't work and from there, anything could happen.
Could've seen it coming. So could all my other smart good friends. He, being oblivious as anything is so out of it.....maybe knows. It's so goddamn obvious if he didn't well then there's a problem. But that's a good thing maybe because it allows me to overreact.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this isn't a huge part of my life. A "love life"'s important but not too important; unfortunately it usually ends up being the dominant part of our lives, instead of other things....
even today i was thinking "oh that's so cool I should do that!" then "oh wait...yeah it won't happen. i'll be too tired or i'll be doing this or thinking or doing this." and they're all dumb. it's happened a lot lately. reality has been very real lately.
Well
I need to learn to gauge how people work socially. It's like their social skills are lacking but because they get so much practice from their tight little circle of safety they're alright if they want to venture out. And they have strange ways of protecting themselves. Augh this shouldn't fascinate me this much!!
You know, there's only two reasons why I've ever cried.
Because of Myself: I made myself feel incompetent or stupid or whatever and really got myself down. And couldn't control myself because of stage fright, ect. Well I didn't make myself, I just wasn't capable enough in that sense. I mean, I still am incompetent it just seemed really big at the time.
Because of my parents: Hurt/disappointment/mostly hurt.
Kind of sad, isn't it?
I know this year I have changed, compared to two years ago and a little compared to last year. At the end of last year I was just starting to become this....but it's so different to everything I ever was before. I mean I do try to make myself better and better but it's like just growing up and learning and now you react differently, duh......but it doesn't feel different at all. Even though it so is. But it's wonderful. You know? You don't realize you're on a journey until you look back and then....well, yeah.
You know, there's only two reasons why I've ever cried.
Because of Myself: I made myself feel incompetent or stupid or whatever and really got myself down. And couldn't control myself because of stage fright, ect. Well I didn't make myself, I just wasn't capable enough in that sense. I mean, I still am incompetent it just seemed really big at the time.
Because of my parents: Hurt/disappointment/mostly hurt.
Kind of sad, isn't it?
I know this year I have changed, compared to two years ago and a little compared to last year. At the end of last year I was just starting to become this....but it's so different to everything I ever was before. I mean I do try to make myself better and better but it's like just growing up and learning and now you react differently, duh......but it doesn't feel different at all. Even though it so is. But it's wonderful. You know? You don't realize you're on a journey until you look back and then....well, yeah.
Well well
My friend, who is in a relationship and wonderful but so underestimated, and my other friend who is quite dear to me were talking about how this guy got his girl a bouquet and they were just joking saying it was probably like their first month, and how that was pathetic. Well, the guy in the relationship said that. Then my other friend was like "Well....for high school, that's a big deal." and they all agreed or whatever. I wanted to tell him it wasn't. I mean, what people do you hang out with? Yeah it is a lot of the time but often times it's also not uncommon. Sheesh. It made me think that he probably things dating is overrated in high school or he doesn't want to have one 'cause he's afraid and thinks it could go wrong. :/ eh. He was never really interested in girls anyways, seemingly asexual and so oblivious to everything. I still love him though.
Is it true? A month isn't that big of a deal. He should seriously start, um, noticing things.
OH. So my friend told me today you never say anything hurtful to your mother because she can "f*ck up your life"....which I guess it's true sadly. Yesterday I just wrote a letter with the truth about a lot of things and I'll be honest, if I were a mother and read it I would cry. And I meant every single word, even now, it's really horrible though. Maybe I wouldn't say it now though, I was debating whether or not to last night 'cause it could've changed everything. I wish it did, as unstable and bad as it could go. I didn't say everything. We should go into that later. I know as a teen my mentality and view is not the same as it will be as when I look back on this in 20 years, but I want to keep these things true. She doesn't realize I don't do this or feel this only in mood swings or when I'm angry but it's consistent and I can support it. And will continue to.
Is it true? A month isn't that big of a deal. He should seriously start, um, noticing things.
OH. So my friend told me today you never say anything hurtful to your mother because she can "f*ck up your life"....which I guess it's true sadly. Yesterday I just wrote a letter with the truth about a lot of things and I'll be honest, if I were a mother and read it I would cry. And I meant every single word, even now, it's really horrible though. Maybe I wouldn't say it now though, I was debating whether or not to last night 'cause it could've changed everything. I wish it did, as unstable and bad as it could go. I didn't say everything. We should go into that later. I know as a teen my mentality and view is not the same as it will be as when I look back on this in 20 years, but I want to keep these things true. She doesn't realize I don't do this or feel this only in mood swings or when I'm angry but it's consistent and I can support it. And will continue to.
Sorry
Sorry I haven't posted in FOREVER, with this internet problem and me always being out of the house......
I've had several things on my mind I've wanted to post. Can't remember them now :/
School in in full swing, anyhoo. It was the first home game of the season last Friday (boy, that was a long day) and the best day of my life. Arguably, I said August 10th was too xD
My section leader who I adore respect admire you get the picture I look up to him but he's also my older brother, complimented me on my work arranging a Skrillex piece for my section. So did my ex-Zultan. And my friend, who means the world to me. He said he was proud of me and was really impressed, so we spent like 10 minutes in the back room together. If you haven't figured out already, I don't know what I've told you before this guy means more to me than he should (I like him) and the game was fun and he gave me an awkward hug after.....he doesn't like touching people. Needless to say I hyperventilated and went berserk for 20 minutes. There you go. The weird side of my personality. It was a kinda "high" day, my friend tackled me and I dropped when he tried to "toll booth" me.....what can I say.
Another thing to think about. My older friend told another friend of my age that he should start hitting on girls, because he acts like he's asexual really and didn't talk to girls besides his sister until this year it seems. And my friend that's my age just flips and exclaims "WHY?!" like it's absurd and nobody does that. It made me laugh, because he sees the opposite sex as a distraction - bad. Well maybe that's why he's so good at stuff and focused and good at everything (he's still sleep deprived though) but I wouldn't trade having a lot of friends of the opposite sex for that.....sure it's a distraction but eh.
It's amazing how much a single hug can mean. 10 simple words. And then you feel like you're loved, and you mean something.
Needless to say I've still been injuring myself, my stupid ankles when I'm sprinting, or my knees like they do, dropping percussion instruments on my shins T_T (I'm forever doomed to have bruises)
Basically the two thoughts I had were
It's amazing how simple actions can mean so much
Is it better to be an open book or closed?
I'm such an open book. Opposite my best friend. I don't even put my guard up. The only additional thing you could have on me over the guy next to you is knowing my past, which I think is useless unless you like analyzing characters and formation of a person, like me, but it doesn't matter in the end. Everyone knows who I like. I don't clash with anyone. If anyone wanted to ruin my day they could.
A dangerous thing is my weak personality. No, I actually have a strong personality it's just that, well, I see everyone for their best and I see them as all good trustable loving people. Huge flaw :P.
This is also old
I've had several things on my mind I've wanted to post. Can't remember them now :/
School in in full swing, anyhoo. It was the first home game of the season last Friday (boy, that was a long day) and the best day of my life. Arguably, I said August 10th was too xD
My section leader who I adore respect admire you get the picture I look up to him but he's also my older brother, complimented me on my work arranging a Skrillex piece for my section. So did my ex-Zultan. And my friend, who means the world to me. He said he was proud of me and was really impressed, so we spent like 10 minutes in the back room together. If you haven't figured out already, I don't know what I've told you before this guy means more to me than he should (I like him) and the game was fun and he gave me an awkward hug after.....he doesn't like touching people. Needless to say I hyperventilated and went berserk for 20 minutes. There you go. The weird side of my personality. It was a kinda "high" day, my friend tackled me and I dropped when he tried to "toll booth" me.....what can I say.
Another thing to think about. My older friend told another friend of my age that he should start hitting on girls, because he acts like he's asexual really and didn't talk to girls besides his sister until this year it seems. And my friend that's my age just flips and exclaims "WHY?!" like it's absurd and nobody does that. It made me laugh, because he sees the opposite sex as a distraction - bad. Well maybe that's why he's so good at stuff and focused and good at everything (he's still sleep deprived though) but I wouldn't trade having a lot of friends of the opposite sex for that.....sure it's a distraction but eh.
It's amazing how much a single hug can mean. 10 simple words. And then you feel like you're loved, and you mean something.
Needless to say I've still been injuring myself, my stupid ankles when I'm sprinting, or my knees like they do, dropping percussion instruments on my shins T_T (I'm forever doomed to have bruises)
Basically the two thoughts I had were
It's amazing how simple actions can mean so much
Is it better to be an open book or closed?
I'm such an open book. Opposite my best friend. I don't even put my guard up. The only additional thing you could have on me over the guy next to you is knowing my past, which I think is useless unless you like analyzing characters and formation of a person, like me, but it doesn't matter in the end. Everyone knows who I like. I don't clash with anyone. If anyone wanted to ruin my day they could.
A dangerous thing is my weak personality. No, I actually have a strong personality it's just that, well, I see everyone for their best and I see them as all good trustable loving people. Huge flaw :P.
This is also old
Career Planning? Maybe?
You should do what makes you happy right? People always say that when they're looking for a job, do what you love and it won't be a job. One of the easiest ways to be less grumpy in life.
It's unfortunate if your passions are not the passions of the future, or the things that will take technology forward, or pay well. Those careers are engineering...and basically, yeah. Maybe even business. Engineering covers a lot. If your passion is music though...well that doesn't serve so well financially if you majored in it, and job opportunities would be less. Same as journalism. There's a whole major for that but absolutely no money in it....kind of like the arts. Unfortunately :(
I've always considered myself lucky because my interests have been engineering and that really helps; if I were interested in a math major (which analyzing it is really useless unless you want to be a teacher) I wouldn't make myself go into engineering or business. And you should stick to your interests even if they might not serve you as well financially as well as other careers.
Many of my friends want to major in music or pursue it as a career, and many of them want to but do not think they are good enough to sustain a career on it. They know it doesn't pay well or serve well but music is their passion....good for them <3. Some of them have also said things very closely along the lines of "Well I want to pursue this *refers to instrument* as a career, but I know it's unlikely and it can't really support that well so maybe as a side job..." - I actually got my friend who wanted to pursue it full time (he's good enough) to think like that.
As I have said before, I have always prided myself on being sure of 1) Exactly who I am in every aspect 2) Very definitive on decision making
However, I may have mentioned that I am now in a point in my life where I feel like it would be best to soften the definitions and to "redo" myself and improve - in the same way you would improve your house. Not that I do not like who I am now, I believe it is very sound and wonderful but our goal should be to always improve so that is what I must do. And it isn't very nice during the remodeling process right, it's just a big troublesome mess but once it's over it's great! I was afraid that I would back out because of the troublesomeness and bit of insecurity that comes with change but I've decided I will do this.
I just hope I don't screw anything up with this plan.
Not to mention I've also been uncertain whether I want to pursue Civil Engineering & Architecture as a double major and minor in either Psychology or Music. Maybe I do want to pursue a music major. Or Aeronomical engineering.
I wrote this like a week ago. It never published :(
It's unfortunate if your passions are not the passions of the future, or the things that will take technology forward, or pay well. Those careers are engineering...and basically, yeah. Maybe even business. Engineering covers a lot. If your passion is music though...well that doesn't serve so well financially if you majored in it, and job opportunities would be less. Same as journalism. There's a whole major for that but absolutely no money in it....kind of like the arts. Unfortunately :(
I've always considered myself lucky because my interests have been engineering and that really helps; if I were interested in a math major (which analyzing it is really useless unless you want to be a teacher) I wouldn't make myself go into engineering or business. And you should stick to your interests even if they might not serve you as well financially as well as other careers.
Many of my friends want to major in music or pursue it as a career, and many of them want to but do not think they are good enough to sustain a career on it. They know it doesn't pay well or serve well but music is their passion....good for them <3. Some of them have also said things very closely along the lines of "Well I want to pursue this *refers to instrument* as a career, but I know it's unlikely and it can't really support that well so maybe as a side job..." - I actually got my friend who wanted to pursue it full time (he's good enough) to think like that.
As I have said before, I have always prided myself on being sure of 1) Exactly who I am in every aspect 2) Very definitive on decision making
However, I may have mentioned that I am now in a point in my life where I feel like it would be best to soften the definitions and to "redo" myself and improve - in the same way you would improve your house. Not that I do not like who I am now, I believe it is very sound and wonderful but our goal should be to always improve so that is what I must do. And it isn't very nice during the remodeling process right, it's just a big troublesome mess but once it's over it's great! I was afraid that I would back out because of the troublesomeness and bit of insecurity that comes with change but I've decided I will do this.
I just hope I don't screw anything up with this plan.
Not to mention I've also been uncertain whether I want to pursue Civil Engineering & Architecture as a double major and minor in either Psychology or Music. Maybe I do want to pursue a music major. Or Aeronomical engineering.
I wrote this like a week ago. It never published :(
OLD
To a good week!
I'm not jinxing it even thought it's only Thursday...whatever. Anyways, I was never one to care about what I wore. I have like 2 shirts that are actually girl's cut or tight, and don't always wear skinny jeans. Most of the time I wear guy's basketball shorts or some other shirt. No I don't look sloppy I do look decent and nice it's just an original style :P
So today I decided I wanted to look....normal x) well I never will be, I just wore a white tank top with a flower printed flannel type thing on top and dark jeans. A lot of people said I looked nice and I just joked "yeah....I actually do look in the mirror before I leave the house, you know?"
Ever since I got that problem on Tuesday out of the way I could see just how great this week was. It's been pretty cool. Even my friend....the one that's arguably the person I respect and admire/look up to most was in a happy mood. I can tell. It was weird :D I love that guy.
I don't know, a routine kicked in and I still nearly fall asleep in many classes. Why?
Things don't publish when they should, that's why this is "OLD"
I'm not jinxing it even thought it's only Thursday...whatever. Anyways, I was never one to care about what I wore. I have like 2 shirts that are actually girl's cut or tight, and don't always wear skinny jeans. Most of the time I wear guy's basketball shorts or some other shirt. No I don't look sloppy I do look decent and nice it's just an original style :P
So today I decided I wanted to look....normal x) well I never will be, I just wore a white tank top with a flower printed flannel type thing on top and dark jeans. A lot of people said I looked nice and I just joked "yeah....I actually do look in the mirror before I leave the house, you know?"
Ever since I got that problem on Tuesday out of the way I could see just how great this week was. It's been pretty cool. Even my friend....the one that's arguably the person I respect and admire/look up to most was in a happy mood. I can tell. It was weird :D I love that guy.
I don't know, a routine kicked in and I still nearly fall asleep in many classes. Why?
Things don't publish when they should, that's why this is "OLD"
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Block
It's amazing how much effect some people have on you even if you haven't given them that much power over you. You know you have given them some but it's all a safe level. Unfortunately when it's out of your control whether they have power or not it's somewhat irrational....which is what I'm referencing here.
Yesterday was pretty much traumatic :p and fun, but I could've cried a couple times and I swear I spent most of it being scared x) (hey this is all the the good way, if there is one) but it was a great day, only I didn't feel that way at the end because it didn't end good. And I remembered all the wonderful things that happened that day but I didn't feel it. Didn't get the vibe you get when they happen. Which is sad. Just one blow...
And same as today. I was worried to death about 3 different people, who mean a lot to me but they worry me at the same time, and our relationships are so weird and that's what really worries me, there's a lot of places any of them could fail in which would be horrible. It was bugging me all day; they were just on my mind all the time, but then after school I'm in robotics club with them.
Looking back it was a good club day, it was pretty cool and fun. I just said club. The whole day was kinda suckish and meh and meh yeah. Bad. And now that I know our relationships aren't in danger AND we got over one awkward thing in our relationship (relationship fails if you can't get through awkward) where they all met my mom. Yeeeeeahhhhh that was bad. But I love those boys and anyways now that that's clear, that issue, I realize that today was actually an amazing day. It was a pretty good day!! Ignore the next sentence as it is a reference for myself...sorry. In the morning we were laughing about a friend's dream, I actually got Biology work done, engineering with a new friend at brunch was great, PE was fun doing relay sprints and my friend said I was fast (:D), math was chummy with my table mates, we seem to be getting closer, orchestra was fun or cool with the teacher, and English I spent moping about the 3 but laughed a lot too, then robotics was awesome. I can't ask for more.
Is it dangerous? The effect the problem of three relationships stopped me from enjoying a wonderful day and made me all mopey and thinking it was horrible. Talk about reality distortions and perspectives....oh that's a fun subject.
Yesterday was pretty much traumatic :p and fun, but I could've cried a couple times and I swear I spent most of it being scared x) (hey this is all the the good way, if there is one) but it was a great day, only I didn't feel that way at the end because it didn't end good. And I remembered all the wonderful things that happened that day but I didn't feel it. Didn't get the vibe you get when they happen. Which is sad. Just one blow...
And same as today. I was worried to death about 3 different people, who mean a lot to me but they worry me at the same time, and our relationships are so weird and that's what really worries me, there's a lot of places any of them could fail in which would be horrible. It was bugging me all day; they were just on my mind all the time, but then after school I'm in robotics club with them.
Looking back it was a good club day, it was pretty cool and fun. I just said club. The whole day was kinda suckish and meh and meh yeah. Bad. And now that I know our relationships aren't in danger AND we got over one awkward thing in our relationship (relationship fails if you can't get through awkward) where they all met my mom. Yeeeeeahhhhh that was bad. But I love those boys and anyways now that that's clear, that issue, I realize that today was actually an amazing day. It was a pretty good day!! Ignore the next sentence as it is a reference for myself...sorry. In the morning we were laughing about a friend's dream, I actually got Biology work done, engineering with a new friend at brunch was great, PE was fun doing relay sprints and my friend said I was fast (:D), math was chummy with my table mates, we seem to be getting closer, orchestra was fun or cool with the teacher, and English I spent moping about the 3 but laughed a lot too, then robotics was awesome. I can't ask for more.
Is it dangerous? The effect the problem of three relationships stopped me from enjoying a wonderful day and made me all mopey and thinking it was horrible. Talk about reality distortions and perspectives....oh that's a fun subject.
So Much
So much to blog about it isn't even funny...i still have the stuff from this morning (you can anticipate a looong procastination of that) but there's also other stuff from tonight....
We had a parade, and it's this crazy awesome thing we do for fun and it's everyone in the music groups at CV. You should've seen my hair and others we just wear band shirts and jeans and it's a fun thing! Well, I was section leader of 17 other saxophones. And that was awesome.
I also let go a lot by allowing Jessi to do my hair so crazily....I don't know why.
THIS SHOULDN'T BE A DRAFT I PUBLISHED IT 3 DAYS AGO! ON THE 15!!!
We had a parade, and it's this crazy awesome thing we do for fun and it's everyone in the music groups at CV. You should've seen my hair and others we just wear band shirts and jeans and it's a fun thing! Well, I was section leader of 17 other saxophones. And that was awesome.
I also let go a lot by allowing Jessi to do my hair so crazily....I don't know why.
THIS SHOULDN'T BE A DRAFT I PUBLISHED IT 3 DAYS AGO! ON THE 15!!!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Updates
I'm going to make quick updates on whatever passes my mind that isn't what I reffered to before.
Even though I'm small and come across as adorable and tiny or whatever I don't see myself that way, and I don't think anyome else born smaller does either. I'm really not that small either my build isn't like that. You just see yourself the same and don't notice the fact that you look up to talk to people.
And my fetish for instruments....i like all the bigger ones. Why? Okay, tone is a variable and pitch and sound and octave range. But even my teacher said the bari seems bigger than me but I love it; the only reason why I don't play is because I knew my parents would never let me, they barely let me play tenor :(
I don't know, it was just a thought. I don't realize people see me as less threatening because of size and personality, they see not so much the strong side. I know I'm stronger than Alex, a girl just like me but with a smaller build, she's taller but has the stick build, she's more floofy and exuberant....well yeah. Me, I don't even know how they see me.
I do know it will be awkward going from where I am to a leadership position amongst them. They won't see it, the ones that do will still be shocked. God help me.
Even though I'm small and come across as adorable and tiny or whatever I don't see myself that way, and I don't think anyome else born smaller does either. I'm really not that small either my build isn't like that. You just see yourself the same and don't notice the fact that you look up to talk to people.
And my fetish for instruments....i like all the bigger ones. Why? Okay, tone is a variable and pitch and sound and octave range. But even my teacher said the bari seems bigger than me but I love it; the only reason why I don't play is because I knew my parents would never let me, they barely let me play tenor :(
I don't know, it was just a thought. I don't realize people see me as less threatening because of size and personality, they see not so much the strong side. I know I'm stronger than Alex, a girl just like me but with a smaller build, she's taller but has the stick build, she's more floofy and exuberant....well yeah. Me, I don't even know how they see me.
I do know it will be awkward going from where I am to a leadership position amongst them. They won't see it, the ones that do will still be shocked. God help me.
Quick
One quick thing - I have two posts that were supposed to be published around last week but weren't, I'll republish them now and write the date they were supposed to be published in the heading :) just so you know
Projects 9/10/12
From time to time I'll have different 'projects' - or people I want to know more about, usually want to get to know, occasionally have unlying feelings for but thats irrelevant, and basically people I want to see the unobvious in, their hidden sides, know their ways and such.
I love all these people and always loom up to them so "project" doesn't really fit but I really do admire and respect them. Previously my projects were upperclassmen who now I'm friends with (projects cannot be friends, they're like a pre-friend thing for people that's it takes more time to get to know and be friends with - oh yeah, that's another characteristic of them) so now it doesn't matter as much for those upperclassmen but if I need to I'll pull out the information. A freshman was also one, probably the only one where the underlying feelings were important, but I gave up on that (oh yeah, if the friendship is futile i have to give up :( it's not so futile anymore but it isn't a big priority) so now I have two more. Added one today, but I realize we'll be friends faster than I thought but I can still study them!
The problem is who do you talk about this with?!! You just can't! Who would care so much about them??? It's useful when one of my friends wants to know about someone and I have information I've gathered subconsciously just from being around them that I can analyze quickly and give, the deepest parts are hard to discuss though. Especially since the people that have the potential to hold that convo with me are either the person themselves, hate the person, don't know the person, or are in a weird relationship to do so.
But these would be good conversations!
Did I mention at the moment, or previously (recently like 5 minutes ago) I died on the inside and could break down because this 14 page freaking book which is a single song is so hard and I practiced the wrong part and I'm just going to fail tomorrow at practice and never learn it and can't and it's hopeless. No. I'll do it. Goodbye sleep and social life!
I love all these people and always loom up to them so "project" doesn't really fit but I really do admire and respect them. Previously my projects were upperclassmen who now I'm friends with (projects cannot be friends, they're like a pre-friend thing for people that's it takes more time to get to know and be friends with - oh yeah, that's another characteristic of them) so now it doesn't matter as much for those upperclassmen but if I need to I'll pull out the information. A freshman was also one, probably the only one where the underlying feelings were important, but I gave up on that (oh yeah, if the friendship is futile i have to give up :( it's not so futile anymore but it isn't a big priority) so now I have two more. Added one today, but I realize we'll be friends faster than I thought but I can still study them!
The problem is who do you talk about this with?!! You just can't! Who would care so much about them??? It's useful when one of my friends wants to know about someone and I have information I've gathered subconsciously just from being around them that I can analyze quickly and give, the deepest parts are hard to discuss though. Especially since the people that have the potential to hold that convo with me are either the person themselves, hate the person, don't know the person, or are in a weird relationship to do so.
But these would be good conversations!
Did I mention at the moment, or previously (recently like 5 minutes ago) I died on the inside and could break down because this 14 page freaking book which is a single song is so hard and I practiced the wrong part and I'm just going to fail tomorrow at practice and never learn it and can't and it's hopeless. No. I'll do it. Goodbye sleep and social life!
In check 9/11/12
Remember what i said before about substituting reality? Unfortunately it's possible in a sort of reverse; what we fear or dread becomes more apparent than it is, bigger than it is and it's just our silly minds.
On another note, the manipulative friend i have to keep in check and be enough of an individual to stand up to wanted to see my phone today, namely my texts, which to me are private and personal business; it's not like they're bad but it's just courtesy. And he pulled the thing about not feeling trusted or love and although i said i was sorry I asked if this was a streak of the manipulativeness in him.
He said it was just his weird fetish to see people's phones but I told him that was a lie because my friend does the same thing for similar reasons. And then he wouldn't answer.
Then he said he regrets telling me, possibly about these things, but I told him why because wasn't he looking for an individual? And he said he doesn't know anymore, which really disappoints me. He also mentioned he doesn't know where he's at in life right now....but at least he knows some of who he is.
I told him I can't let him see my phone and he knows it, knows why and really doesn't want me to give up even of in the moment he did, he said before not to listen if he ever said stuff like that. I told him he'd regret it later and he knows i can't let him for his sake.
Haha, he said that if I were enough of an individual he could go through my phone and it'd be no problem and I told him that was a lie, phones are personal and it'd be like taking a step back and then jumping forwards if i did that. And he knew it cause he was silent
God help me. This is only going to be a problem. There's good in it but still.
Keep in mind his little brother....
On another note, the manipulative friend i have to keep in check and be enough of an individual to stand up to wanted to see my phone today, namely my texts, which to me are private and personal business; it's not like they're bad but it's just courtesy. And he pulled the thing about not feeling trusted or love and although i said i was sorry I asked if this was a streak of the manipulativeness in him.
He said it was just his weird fetish to see people's phones but I told him that was a lie because my friend does the same thing for similar reasons. And then he wouldn't answer.
Then he said he regrets telling me, possibly about these things, but I told him why because wasn't he looking for an individual? And he said he doesn't know anymore, which really disappoints me. He also mentioned he doesn't know where he's at in life right now....but at least he knows some of who he is.
I told him I can't let him see my phone and he knows it, knows why and really doesn't want me to give up even of in the moment he did, he said before not to listen if he ever said stuff like that. I told him he'd regret it later and he knows i can't let him for his sake.
Haha, he said that if I were enough of an individual he could go through my phone and it'd be no problem and I told him that was a lie, phones are personal and it'd be like taking a step back and then jumping forwards if i did that. And he knew it cause he was silent
God help me. This is only going to be a problem. There's good in it but still.
Keep in mind his little brother....
A lot
I don't think I made it on yesterday, but I have a lot of good stuff to talk about today :3 a lot of it is from yesterday though so, well it's a lot.
I've been meaning to post my "I Am" poem! And a learned some stuff yesterday to where now I am confused. Maybe I could even make some other things on my mind intellectual enough to be beneficial...
I have to do a lot of stuff now but as soon as I can....I'll start writing it all up.
I've been meaning to post my "I Am" poem! And a learned some stuff yesterday to where now I am confused. Maybe I could even make some other things on my mind intellectual enough to be beneficial...
I have to do a lot of stuff now but as soon as I can....I'll start writing it all up.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Something Important
Relate?
My two friends were talking about this guy who I love, I think he's awesome and I know he's a big....3@#$% and worse but he's also a great guy and I totally went on the defense....I don't even know why normally I'm not like that.
I like to take in different perspectives, you know? A lot of my friends clash or don't really get along so I'm always in the middle, and even with the close friends where we can discuss people and why some people see them this way and some people see them that, we never entirely agree completely on our choice of friends. And I suppose it'll always be this way, me in an awkward position but hey it's pretty cool.
So anyways I ditched them and talked to the dude they were talking about xD
Perhaps it was coming from it being an off day, it's a Thursday and Thursdays we only have half our classes and I don't see certain people and it throws me off. It's like I have a subconscious checklist; if one of my friends are missing or I don't talk to them or see them or something and I normally do or try to the whole day goes whack. But it's not like I actually have a list of people it just happens....I don't even know either. This especially happens with people I'm getting to know or trying to become friends with, so I feel on Friday I have to make up for this setback (you know, we're like taking a set back in a relationship because of the no contact and such so we have to work harder) and even worse after that it's the weekend. And I love the weekends but then Monday I'm back at it....sadly.
What else....we watched the movie "Pride" in English class......it's an awesome movie, the suspensful mean type that makes you want to yell and scream and throw things at people and then hide because you can't watch then melt because it's so awesome. I haven't seen one of those in a while x)
I like to take in different perspectives, you know? A lot of my friends clash or don't really get along so I'm always in the middle, and even with the close friends where we can discuss people and why some people see them this way and some people see them that, we never entirely agree completely on our choice of friends. And I suppose it'll always be this way, me in an awkward position but hey it's pretty cool.
So anyways I ditched them and talked to the dude they were talking about xD
Perhaps it was coming from it being an off day, it's a Thursday and Thursdays we only have half our classes and I don't see certain people and it throws me off. It's like I have a subconscious checklist; if one of my friends are missing or I don't talk to them or see them or something and I normally do or try to the whole day goes whack. But it's not like I actually have a list of people it just happens....I don't even know either. This especially happens with people I'm getting to know or trying to become friends with, so I feel on Friday I have to make up for this setback (you know, we're like taking a set back in a relationship because of the no contact and such so we have to work harder) and even worse after that it's the weekend. And I love the weekends but then Monday I'm back at it....sadly.
What else....we watched the movie "Pride" in English class......it's an awesome movie, the suspensful mean type that makes you want to yell and scream and throw things at people and then hide because you can't watch then melt because it's so awesome. I haven't seen one of those in a while x)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Forgetting
It's beginning that time where you're just confused all the time and feel like you've missed so much and forget to do everything.....
Forgetting homework is just terrible. Haha. Not really though, what I mean is that you should remember it, then if you don't do it or just screw it then that's fine. Forgetting it....forgetting everything....missing stuff, opportunities.
Don't you just love it when you wave at someone multiple times and they never wave back? So awkward....hahaha. That's me, in P.E. Two of my new friends are in the other class, but the classes frequently pass and such and it's just yeah. Haha.
Another funny thought is that it's just awesome when one of your friends knows you're pissed at them.....we were marching through our middle song of our show, "Open Arms", and my friend, he just.....frustrates me to high heaven. We have a great relationship though! It's just sometimes during practice....he's the most immature annoying thing and as he's telling me about his "stupid teachers" it's really just him being an asshole.
So, he totally botches up the who freaking thing....it's sad. He just doesn't get it I don't think he's trying and it's like 3@#$%!!! If you can't find your place then use the correct counts!! Yeesh....and PLAY THE FREAKING MUSIC RIGHT. Holy sheesh.....
So after we finished we were in an arc, I was behind him and our other friend in front of him and we were facing forward, so I just say in a normal tone "Could you *please* learn this song?" and our friend in front of him just turns around and grins and looks at him and asks what he did wrong as I mouth "EVERYTHING" and motion frustratedness, the guy who messed up just nods 'cause he knows he shouldn't turn around or I'll slap him and the guy in the front just laughs.....seriously.
One of the new friends in P.E. is a showoff. I don't get it. His voice is the frequency of a cocky, nerdy, socially awkward try-hard and showoff, not gonna lie. That's what it sounds like. And it doesn't seem like he's like that, I don't know. I don't know him that well but I like him. His voice abviously says something about his character, how prominent it is I don't know. At least he can back that cockiness. He did have an awesome conversation with our band teacher though :D
Forgetting homework is just terrible. Haha. Not really though, what I mean is that you should remember it, then if you don't do it or just screw it then that's fine. Forgetting it....forgetting everything....missing stuff, opportunities.
Don't you just love it when you wave at someone multiple times and they never wave back? So awkward....hahaha. That's me, in P.E. Two of my new friends are in the other class, but the classes frequently pass and such and it's just yeah. Haha.
Another funny thought is that it's just awesome when one of your friends knows you're pissed at them.....we were marching through our middle song of our show, "Open Arms", and my friend, he just.....frustrates me to high heaven. We have a great relationship though! It's just sometimes during practice....he's the most immature annoying thing and as he's telling me about his "stupid teachers" it's really just him being an asshole.
So, he totally botches up the who freaking thing....it's sad. He just doesn't get it I don't think he's trying and it's like 3@#$%!!! If you can't find your place then use the correct counts!! Yeesh....and PLAY THE FREAKING MUSIC RIGHT. Holy sheesh.....
So after we finished we were in an arc, I was behind him and our other friend in front of him and we were facing forward, so I just say in a normal tone "Could you *please* learn this song?" and our friend in front of him just turns around and grins and looks at him and asks what he did wrong as I mouth "EVERYTHING" and motion frustratedness, the guy who messed up just nods 'cause he knows he shouldn't turn around or I'll slap him and the guy in the front just laughs.....seriously.
One of the new friends in P.E. is a showoff. I don't get it. His voice is the frequency of a cocky, nerdy, socially awkward try-hard and showoff, not gonna lie. That's what it sounds like. And it doesn't seem like he's like that, I don't know. I don't know him that well but I like him. His voice abviously says something about his character, how prominent it is I don't know. At least he can back that cockiness. He did have an awesome conversation with our band teacher though :D
Monday, September 10, 2012
Effort
Just got a 30 minutes lecture from my dad on effort. Really? EFFORT?! With ME?!
>___________< I'm not a try-hard at all but.....hey. I GIVE THE MOST EFFORT OF ANYONE I KNOW INTO MANY THINGS SO SHHHHHHH PLEASE. It's slightly annoying/scary.
Two big differences we have are:
I don't believe everyone has the potential to get A's as a grade (he keeps saying A's in high school should be so easy, and they're not hard YET but he doesn't' get it, not everyone has the potential.) He also says on an intelligence rate of how intelligent we are I would be in the 90-95%, which I'm not, it's more like an 78-84 MAYBE. But not above ninety. And effort makes a great deal, it can maybe raise you one percent.
He believes people should be well rounded and not just go for one thing. He says if he had his way I wouldn't have music in my life but I'd be the best engineer ever (okay first off that's not even possible so) but I believe if you're given extraordinary talent in one thing go for it, it's impossible to not be well-rounded if you're superrrrrrrrr exceptional 'cause with all the extra time you'll get bored.
So yeah. And I do have a ton on my plate, in many ways....I'll leave it at that
>___________< I'm not a try-hard at all but.....hey. I GIVE THE MOST EFFORT OF ANYONE I KNOW INTO MANY THINGS SO SHHHHHHH PLEASE. It's slightly annoying/scary.
Two big differences we have are:
I don't believe everyone has the potential to get A's as a grade (he keeps saying A's in high school should be so easy, and they're not hard YET but he doesn't' get it, not everyone has the potential.) He also says on an intelligence rate of how intelligent we are I would be in the 90-95%, which I'm not, it's more like an 78-84 MAYBE. But not above ninety. And effort makes a great deal, it can maybe raise you one percent.
He believes people should be well rounded and not just go for one thing. He says if he had his way I wouldn't have music in my life but I'd be the best engineer ever (okay first off that's not even possible so) but I believe if you're given extraordinary talent in one thing go for it, it's impossible to not be well-rounded if you're superrrrrrrrr exceptional 'cause with all the extra time you'll get bored.
So yeah. And I do have a ton on my plate, in many ways....I'll leave it at that
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Separate Ways
Heh, journey song :3
I'm thinking I should keep the pc blog totally separate from this one so you can't trace them together or connect the dots to figure they're the same person.
You all know why right....? Partial identity partially because you wouldn't take me as seriously perhaps, maybe you'd take me more seriously. I hope you cam see the times of good intellectual thought processes in this messy hopeless distracted blog. I am so sorry. I try...so hard
For now it won't be...
I'm thinking I should keep the pc blog totally separate from this one so you can't trace them together or connect the dots to figure they're the same person.
You all know why right....? Partial identity partially because you wouldn't take me as seriously perhaps, maybe you'd take me more seriously. I hope you cam see the times of good intellectual thought processes in this messy hopeless distracted blog. I am so sorry. I try...so hard
For now it won't be...
Pictures
I am tempted to start a blog for pictures. I realize this may be an in-the-moment kind of thing because there's a lot of cool pics I like that say a lot about my life, but I don't know how I'm going to do this x)
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Cal Band Day
Today was Cal Band Day for us (marching band) so it's a saturday and we woke up at 4 am....just got home, it's 6 and I'm dead :P It was pretty fun though :D
Max texted me in the morning, idk how he even got my number :D but I was happy, all he said was "Hey good morning" and he didn't reply but that is irrelevant.
Wow, it's the next day, I'm so sorry I didn't finish up this post. Cal Band day was yesterday, the 8th. So bright an early. I wont go over the whole day yesterday other than it was hot...so hot, and also cold (for hands) and it strengthened bonds between me and some of my friends, and friends make good pillows. Either way I'm so dead tired from a fun day and today I worked at a chocolate festival from 8-5 (band yesterday was from like 4-6) so i got maybe 8 hrs of sleep between both days and I'm dead :p time really flies!
I have nothing intellectual to say. I read above and there's nothing smart in it and there's a crazy paragraph on Maz which is unequal and incorrect emphsis judging by yesterday's events but oh well. Not deleting it all the same, I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to be practicing for the DVC Philharmonic but I knew I was too tired to focus and actually benefit from it, but i could walk; that doesn't require the mental focus.
Meh. I'm so sorry. Life is awesome.
Max texted me in the morning, idk how he even got my number :D but I was happy, all he said was "Hey good morning" and he didn't reply but that is irrelevant.
Wow, it's the next day, I'm so sorry I didn't finish up this post. Cal Band day was yesterday, the 8th. So bright an early. I wont go over the whole day yesterday other than it was hot...so hot, and also cold (for hands) and it strengthened bonds between me and some of my friends, and friends make good pillows. Either way I'm so dead tired from a fun day and today I worked at a chocolate festival from 8-5 (band yesterday was from like 4-6) so i got maybe 8 hrs of sleep between both days and I'm dead :p time really flies!
I have nothing intellectual to say. I read above and there's nothing smart in it and there's a crazy paragraph on Maz which is unequal and incorrect emphsis judging by yesterday's events but oh well. Not deleting it all the same, I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to be practicing for the DVC Philharmonic but I knew I was too tired to focus and actually benefit from it, but i could walk; that doesn't require the mental focus.
Meh. I'm so sorry. Life is awesome.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Blah
Bleh. I feel like today was a tired day, just everyone was tired.....and we gotta be at school at 5 am tomorrow on a Saturday. Fun >_< I'm actually pretty excited xD it's gonna be fun :D
It was unbelievable how many times I got scared today.....Ellis dropped the quads and I screamed, Burmeister was running outside, Hammy, Jason, I was even trapped in a corner. By Hammy and Trevor. That was scary and Daniel who was playing the piano thought we were crazy xD And I also ran into Nate and it made me so happy 'cause he actually tried to talk! I kinda yelped and he turned around and was like "Oh did I scare you?" grinning and all and I was like "yeah!" and he did it again and this time he was like "oh. Hello!" and yeah.
So that was cool, my section leader was also pissed that an 8th grader didn't show up because he was "tired" and that's awesome 'cause he's going to get it tomorrow. We got all our uniforms and everything.
It makes me sad how Daniel and Anna fight, and I'm glad Anna tells me all about it, but I feel bad for Daniel and her. He comes off as cocky and stuff but he's not and she doesn't see it and I think she should listen to him even if it's wrong by means of authority. Even if he's wrong he is in a position about hers and that must be respected and she shouldn't argue. He could be less of a perfectionist but hey everyone has problems. I'm trying not to be biased.
It was a fun practice today, and I love my older brother's. And their bras and hats x)
It was unbelievable how many times I got scared today.....Ellis dropped the quads and I screamed, Burmeister was running outside, Hammy, Jason, I was even trapped in a corner. By Hammy and Trevor. That was scary and Daniel who was playing the piano thought we were crazy xD And I also ran into Nate and it made me so happy 'cause he actually tried to talk! I kinda yelped and he turned around and was like "Oh did I scare you?" grinning and all and I was like "yeah!" and he did it again and this time he was like "oh. Hello!" and yeah.
So that was cool, my section leader was also pissed that an 8th grader didn't show up because he was "tired" and that's awesome 'cause he's going to get it tomorrow. We got all our uniforms and everything.
It makes me sad how Daniel and Anna fight, and I'm glad Anna tells me all about it, but I feel bad for Daniel and her. He comes off as cocky and stuff but he's not and she doesn't see it and I think she should listen to him even if it's wrong by means of authority. Even if he's wrong he is in a position about hers and that must be respected and she shouldn't argue. He could be less of a perfectionist but hey everyone has problems. I'm trying not to be biased.
It was a fun practice today, and I love my older brother's. And their bras and hats x)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Self Confidence, Protection, and Worry
I have prided myself for being non-insecure and knowing exactly where I am right....obviously you don't have to be the best to have love self-confidence. And it is amazing how much more you can do, how much free-er you are when you aren't worried about yourself. Honestly I can't even remember what it is. Is it worrying about what others think of you? I can't remember. But it's amazing to get out of that trap and suddenly life's a little brighter and you're just so much more able.
Just because you're not insecure doesn't mean you have to be amazing. It's just being secure in who you are, not trying to be like others just because they're liked, I don't even know. It's just wonderful. What I did is I gauged myself...."how good am i at this?" and "how intelligent am i?" and "how much potential do I have?" and "what am i born with?" and then be satisfied with that because that is all you can be and it's useless to wish you had more talent so just be comfortable with what you have. There's people with more and there's people with less. Basically you're just getting over it, just do it. You were made like that, what can you do? And it's enough.
However, watching those who are better than you is depressing...and difficult, at least for me. Earlier I realized I was really having a problem with two people my age that seemed to be me just 1000x better....and it just hurt. I don't even know why I felt like it was such a problem but it was. And I seriously felt like a piece of crap compared to them. Partially because they saw me as below them but I'm really not.
And it was strange 'cause I haven't felt this way in forever and I can fix stuff like this pronto. I already can tell I'm getting over it, just by thinking about it....
I should be! Some people just are going to be better! It's just that it's them and my feelings of wanting to be good friends gets in the way probably, but I can turn that off. So I didn't know how to deal with it, because I really feel horrible when I see them be amazing. Which is like every day.
I know I'm better than them at a lot but they don't know that...oh yeesh. What is wrong with me??
I promise I'll fix this soon
I swear, my friends will be the death of me. They worry me to death...too much. Some things are specifically them other's its not exactly their fault it just worries me so much...and I'd cry if they ever got really hurt. I've been worrying too much about them lately.
Also, since when did being proud protect you? If anything it would make you a subject of scorn. Okay, if you can back the pride it's better but still. I don't see how it stops you frok getting hurt, if you're only acting proud so you don't get hurt. I understand being proud of something you did or are a part of can give you a big boost, and in a way give you self-confidence but people are going to still hurt you. Maybe it comes from the distancing yourself from everyone else, from pretending you are because you're better as an excuse so that you don't have to deal with them or feel bad about yourself.
That is so sad :( And not in that way. It just breaks my heart :(
Like when my friends clash. That probably is one of the worst things for me even if I can't do anything...
Just because you're not insecure doesn't mean you have to be amazing. It's just being secure in who you are, not trying to be like others just because they're liked, I don't even know. It's just wonderful. What I did is I gauged myself...."how good am i at this?" and "how intelligent am i?" and "how much potential do I have?" and "what am i born with?" and then be satisfied with that because that is all you can be and it's useless to wish you had more talent so just be comfortable with what you have. There's people with more and there's people with less. Basically you're just getting over it, just do it. You were made like that, what can you do? And it's enough.
However, watching those who are better than you is depressing...and difficult, at least for me. Earlier I realized I was really having a problem with two people my age that seemed to be me just 1000x better....and it just hurt. I don't even know why I felt like it was such a problem but it was. And I seriously felt like a piece of crap compared to them. Partially because they saw me as below them but I'm really not.
And it was strange 'cause I haven't felt this way in forever and I can fix stuff like this pronto. I already can tell I'm getting over it, just by thinking about it....
I should be! Some people just are going to be better! It's just that it's them and my feelings of wanting to be good friends gets in the way probably, but I can turn that off. So I didn't know how to deal with it, because I really feel horrible when I see them be amazing. Which is like every day.
I know I'm better than them at a lot but they don't know that...oh yeesh. What is wrong with me??
I promise I'll fix this soon
I swear, my friends will be the death of me. They worry me to death...too much. Some things are specifically them other's its not exactly their fault it just worries me so much...and I'd cry if they ever got really hurt. I've been worrying too much about them lately.
Also, since when did being proud protect you? If anything it would make you a subject of scorn. Okay, if you can back the pride it's better but still. I don't see how it stops you frok getting hurt, if you're only acting proud so you don't get hurt. I understand being proud of something you did or are a part of can give you a big boost, and in a way give you self-confidence but people are going to still hurt you. Maybe it comes from the distancing yourself from everyone else, from pretending you are because you're better as an excuse so that you don't have to deal with them or feel bad about yourself.
That is so sad :( And not in that way. It just breaks my heart :(
Like when my friends clash. That probably is one of the worst things for me even if I can't do anything...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Good
Today was a good day. But before I get into that something that requires thought....
So my friend and I that was was talking about yesterday have been chatting up a storm and he says I'm different at school, and well everyone is, but he wishes I were more open. Like I talked to him more.
I said i'd try but im normally stressing out over my friends; many of them dislike or even hate each other and it's horrible and terribly awkward sometimes. I also don't like having to watch who I'm talking to and when and everything. But i want everything to work out.
It breaks my heart. So why can't they get along? Okay, for normal clashing reasons...maybe they're similar or have different views or are just being immature.
Now the question is, why would they care if I'm friends with their enemy? Like I'm supposed to choose sides? I can't do that. What do they expect, and why?
For me to agree with them? On what, who they are? And that the other person is wrong? Or I shouldn't spend time with them? Why am I lesser because of it?
It doesn't make any sense.
I was told this morning to join the Junior college orchestra in the neighboring city (ive been looking for a challenging string class) i have to see them today. So I left practice early, right after finding out I have to have an audition piece ready.
All my music is at home so I must use the school's which I don't really know :( then I must sightread and basic thing like rhythm and accidentals just don't click in my brain. It was the worst audition I've ever done before and I still got in. 2nd violins but i don't care! :D and he reccommended mefor first stand.
His face was priceless when I told him how old I was, most of the orch are adults, between 20-40 but mostly on the older side of that. And it's cool...this will be the first actually challenging string class for me. Yay.
Ever have a high streak of happy? x)
So my friend and I that was was talking about yesterday have been chatting up a storm and he says I'm different at school, and well everyone is, but he wishes I were more open. Like I talked to him more.
I said i'd try but im normally stressing out over my friends; many of them dislike or even hate each other and it's horrible and terribly awkward sometimes. I also don't like having to watch who I'm talking to and when and everything. But i want everything to work out.
It breaks my heart. So why can't they get along? Okay, for normal clashing reasons...maybe they're similar or have different views or are just being immature.
Now the question is, why would they care if I'm friends with their enemy? Like I'm supposed to choose sides? I can't do that. What do they expect, and why?
For me to agree with them? On what, who they are? And that the other person is wrong? Or I shouldn't spend time with them? Why am I lesser because of it?
It doesn't make any sense.
I was told this morning to join the Junior college orchestra in the neighboring city (ive been looking for a challenging string class) i have to see them today. So I left practice early, right after finding out I have to have an audition piece ready.
All my music is at home so I must use the school's which I don't really know :( then I must sightread and basic thing like rhythm and accidentals just don't click in my brain. It was the worst audition I've ever done before and I still got in. 2nd violins but i don't care! :D and he reccommended mefor first stand.
His face was priceless when I told him how old I was, most of the orch are adults, between 20-40 but mostly on the older side of that. And it's cool...this will be the first actually challenging string class for me. Yay.
Ever have a high streak of happy? x)
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Reality change
The capability to morph reality in our minds is indispensable yet so crazy and horrible.
Reality is what we make it, isn't it?
By perspective and imagination...we can fill in an alternate reality. And if we think hard enough, it becomes ours.
How tragically demonic.
Reality is what we make it, isn't it?
By perspective and imagination...we can fill in an alternate reality. And if we think hard enough, it becomes ours.
How tragically demonic.
Safe to say...
I think it is safe to declare....a great skill to learn is how to forget xD
When used wisely and not abused...of course, being able to get over things is a life changer x)
When used wisely and not abused...of course, being able to get over things is a life changer x)
Correction :)
So, tell me where I went wrong with my last post.
I just wrote it after declaring it in my head after reading a text, and that was that. But I think there's a fluke because it's dangerous...what the past few posts have been talking about...trust and stuff...
Where did I go wrong?
Declaration
I believe people are good. And that things that seem too good to be true aren't lies. They can be the truth. People are good, trusting, honest beings...imperfect beings who will get better.
And I love people.
Laughter
This is so funny.....people who are normally insecure feel worthless and useless right?
I have prided myself for not being insecure and being enough of an individual :D
In comparison to the world and the great scheme of things, I feel really stupid, untalented, an extra.
But I don't feel bad about myself as a person because I can be so much more than others. Others are so much more than me. So it's like always putting myself down because I'm looking up but not getting any lower because I know I'm not that low at all either.
Isn't it wonderful? Perfectly okay being useless xD
Jkjkjk :P but just sound in being, and knowing where you're at....gauging yourself to everyone else and knowing what you are. And that's all you got.
Although I admit lately I've been more stirred on the other end of it, but as a person I'm happy.
Haha happy.....I was just telling my friend most people who laugh a lot are fake or use it to hide something, the only time I've ever had to do that was like last week, laughed instead of cried, and if I laugh, it's because it's just laughing....happy.....laughter.
So why do I laugh too much?
Too much fun and responsibility (stress?) *chuckles* <- is that possible?
Just wondering.
And of course, too much is relative. :)
I have prided myself for not being insecure and being enough of an individual :D
In comparison to the world and the great scheme of things, I feel really stupid, untalented, an extra.
But I don't feel bad about myself as a person because I can be so much more than others. Others are so much more than me. So it's like always putting myself down because I'm looking up but not getting any lower because I know I'm not that low at all either.
Isn't it wonderful? Perfectly okay being useless xD
Jkjkjk :P but just sound in being, and knowing where you're at....gauging yourself to everyone else and knowing what you are. And that's all you got.
Although I admit lately I've been more stirred on the other end of it, but as a person I'm happy.
Haha happy.....I was just telling my friend most people who laugh a lot are fake or use it to hide something, the only time I've ever had to do that was like last week, laughed instead of cried, and if I laugh, it's because it's just laughing....happy.....laughter.
So why do I laugh too much?
Too much fun and responsibility (stress?) *chuckles* <- is that possible?
Just wondering.
And of course, too much is relative. :)
What am I getting into?
I am too trusting for my own good, too open....
You could practically find out anything about me that you wanted if you knew how, in a pretty short amount of time. It's kind of sad.
I just love people.....and it's stupid, it doesn't match my personality how I'm so open, even with people who don't share as much back, or are creepy, or have problems and I know will lead to no good. WHY.
It hasn't taken a toll yet really, I mean, well yeah.
The friend from the last post said
"I'm hoping you're enough of an individual not to become dependent on me."
"Because it's never happened before?"
"Yep."
"Would you be jealous or angry that I'm not, and also talk to other people?"
"Probably but I know it's good....I'm just a little over-protective."
"Well yeah, everyone is over-protective of their friends but....you mean possessive?"
"Possibly, yeah."
"Oh, okay."
"So that's why I need you to keep me in check."
"I will....we got this."
and so on.....
him: "I feel like I have an unfair advantage over you!"
"Why?"
"Since I read that poem and it was so deep....like it was coming from your soul."
*laughs* "Oh yeah, it was. So you know a lot about me then?"
"Yeah and it isn't fair!"
"Cause I don't know a lot about you?"
"Yeah."
"Well I know what you want me to know. Whatever you want to show me I'll know whatever you don't I respect that. I'm just an open book."
"But it's so unfair!"
and so we were going back and forth talking about each other and stuff.....i think i understand now. And then we were talking about conversations to have and stuff and i don't know how we got onto dating...
me: "Talk about who I like, that's an interesting conversation about me. But you."
"I KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT TONIGHT!" *grins*
*laughs* "No....not even. I mean do you even like someone?"
"Sure."
*smiles* "Oh I know that response...yeah....I would say so too.....so you're not like devoting your life to it but you aren't complacent about it either."
"EXACTLY!" (you don't know how happy I was when we connected at that. "But I'm still searching."
"But it's not like your life goal, right?"
"Considering I just ended a relationship two weeks ago, I don't think I'm ready to recommit again, but no."
"Oh....well at least you know you aren't....not everyone does."
"Yeah, that's true."
later he said he thought I was. Haha. But since his little brother isn't interesting in that kind of thing it's pointless x) funny.....
So this crazy dangerous streak. I know I'll end up telling him practically my life but if we have some good conversations over it it'll be good. The difference between this and my other friend is there isn't any interest making things awkward, him I have to remember he has certain feelings, him well....I have to thread carefully but....not so much.
We could learn a lot....and get a lot from connecting. That's always good to do....we already connected on Sherlock and 80's Music. <3
What is this mess I'm getting myself into.....and later will have to rid myself of if it fails (95% chance) but hey, I'm going to make this relationship work. BOOM. Even if getting to know his little bro doesn't x)
He did say to just be a friend and admirer to his little brother, but he doesn't need anymore....I think we all have admirers. Most of us. Not in that way. And I don't want to be his admirer. His equal. Because we are. He just doesn't see that. Haha. Is that what I want? For him to think so? Is the importance on him, or on that I am not worthless? Both, probably more him. It's like, the compliment means more from the higher the person is, right? :P
Dear lord it's only the beginning of the schoolyear.
Similar experiences?
You could practically find out anything about me that you wanted if you knew how, in a pretty short amount of time. It's kind of sad.
I just love people.....and it's stupid, it doesn't match my personality how I'm so open, even with people who don't share as much back, or are creepy, or have problems and I know will lead to no good. WHY.
It hasn't taken a toll yet really, I mean, well yeah.
The friend from the last post said
"I'm hoping you're enough of an individual not to become dependent on me."
"Because it's never happened before?"
"Yep."
"Would you be jealous or angry that I'm not, and also talk to other people?"
"Probably but I know it's good....I'm just a little over-protective."
"Well yeah, everyone is over-protective of their friends but....you mean possessive?"
"Possibly, yeah."
"Oh, okay."
"So that's why I need you to keep me in check."
"I will....we got this."
and so on.....
him: "I feel like I have an unfair advantage over you!"
"Why?"
"Since I read that poem and it was so deep....like it was coming from your soul."
*laughs* "Oh yeah, it was. So you know a lot about me then?"
"Yeah and it isn't fair!"
"Cause I don't know a lot about you?"
"Yeah."
"Well I know what you want me to know. Whatever you want to show me I'll know whatever you don't I respect that. I'm just an open book."
"But it's so unfair!"
and so we were going back and forth talking about each other and stuff.....i think i understand now. And then we were talking about conversations to have and stuff and i don't know how we got onto dating...
me: "Talk about who I like, that's an interesting conversation about me. But you."
"I KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT TONIGHT!" *grins*
*laughs* "No....not even. I mean do you even like someone?"
"Sure."
*smiles* "Oh I know that response...yeah....I would say so too.....so you're not like devoting your life to it but you aren't complacent about it either."
"EXACTLY!" (you don't know how happy I was when we connected at that. "But I'm still searching."
"But it's not like your life goal, right?"
"Considering I just ended a relationship two weeks ago, I don't think I'm ready to recommit again, but no."
"Oh....well at least you know you aren't....not everyone does."
"Yeah, that's true."
later he said he thought I was. Haha. But since his little brother isn't interesting in that kind of thing it's pointless x) funny.....
So this crazy dangerous streak. I know I'll end up telling him practically my life but if we have some good conversations over it it'll be good. The difference between this and my other friend is there isn't any interest making things awkward, him I have to remember he has certain feelings, him well....I have to thread carefully but....not so much.
We could learn a lot....and get a lot from connecting. That's always good to do....we already connected on Sherlock and 80's Music. <3
What is this mess I'm getting myself into.....and later will have to rid myself of if it fails (95% chance) but hey, I'm going to make this relationship work. BOOM. Even if getting to know his little bro doesn't x)
He did say to just be a friend and admirer to his little brother, but he doesn't need anymore....I think we all have admirers. Most of us. Not in that way. And I don't want to be his admirer. His equal. Because we are. He just doesn't see that. Haha. Is that what I want? For him to think so? Is the importance on him, or on that I am not worthless? Both, probably more him. It's like, the compliment means more from the higher the person is, right? :P
Dear lord it's only the beginning of the schoolyear.
Similar experiences?
Danger
You know those problems, that nobody can help you with because well, you can't tell anybody about it for common courtesy of other's identity? And I don't mean what probably comes to mind, I mean, the problem are these people, but they themselves are wonderful, it's the complexes they have that are not and scare you, these things about them that are really personal and important that are posing a bit difficult to forge a friendship with, that you can't tell them but are the problems. You can't tell them because you'd be explaining their essence, in a way, a lot of them, but also you have to share your view, and who they are because first impressions are never right. Oh no.
It's somewhat startling. My friend is hoping I am strong enough of an individual to not become dependent on him socially and emotionally. Because of his overprotective, possessive, needs-to-feel-needed complex, this normally happens to everyone that talks to him. And we all know the more you know about someone the more they have against you. And I am an open book really to people that are smart; problem is it's typically smart people that take advantage of their knowledge. He is a wonderful guy who can come off as coming onto you but I found out now he isn't, thank goodness, although it was slightly awkward when he saw that I was asking my other friend how to respond to his texts. He admits he gets jealous, maybe angry, keeps archives of people (but who doesn't) and overall people just become so socially dependent on him to make themselves feel better and to talk about things. Which is really dangerous. And then he says when he's not there for them he feels bad because he's now all they have. So basically he's trapping himself and the other person.....
I had to write an "I AM" poem about myself right? And I made sure my audience would be able to read it, and never wanted any of my upperclassmen friends to read it.....a lot of it references them. Well they did. Almost all of them. And I mean at least I got a positive response back, they said it was really good, or cute, or so me....or whatever. And he read it and said he feels like he has an unfair advantage over me since it seems he has looked into my soul, and knows a lot about me now. Which is true....knowledge really is power. Especially when it's about someone.
So I am an open book and it's horrible....I shouldn't be. It'd be so much more to my character. But hey...I just trust people....even if they do use it against me well I don't care....I have a lot on other people but it's useless really because I'm not interested in hurting anyone or holding anyone up to anything, and for all I care I shouldn't go around telling others.
How dangerous is this? I need to know...
It's somewhat startling. My friend is hoping I am strong enough of an individual to not become dependent on him socially and emotionally. Because of his overprotective, possessive, needs-to-feel-needed complex, this normally happens to everyone that talks to him. And we all know the more you know about someone the more they have against you. And I am an open book really to people that are smart; problem is it's typically smart people that take advantage of their knowledge. He is a wonderful guy who can come off as coming onto you but I found out now he isn't, thank goodness, although it was slightly awkward when he saw that I was asking my other friend how to respond to his texts. He admits he gets jealous, maybe angry, keeps archives of people (but who doesn't) and overall people just become so socially dependent on him to make themselves feel better and to talk about things. Which is really dangerous. And then he says when he's not there for them he feels bad because he's now all they have. So basically he's trapping himself and the other person.....
I had to write an "I AM" poem about myself right? And I made sure my audience would be able to read it, and never wanted any of my upperclassmen friends to read it.....a lot of it references them. Well they did. Almost all of them. And I mean at least I got a positive response back, they said it was really good, or cute, or so me....or whatever. And he read it and said he feels like he has an unfair advantage over me since it seems he has looked into my soul, and knows a lot about me now. Which is true....knowledge really is power. Especially when it's about someone.
So I am an open book and it's horrible....I shouldn't be. It'd be so much more to my character. But hey...I just trust people....even if they do use it against me well I don't care....I have a lot on other people but it's useless really because I'm not interested in hurting anyone or holding anyone up to anything, and for all I care I shouldn't go around telling others.
How dangerous is this? I need to know...
Monday, September 3, 2012
Presentation
I have been thinking of posting the "I Am" Poem I had to do for school up, just so you'd know more about me. But it isn't really necessary or perfect at all since it was for school and I kept in mind my audience - it was going to be up for open house, and I was never one to be good at presenting yourself.
Is that important? Presentation? I think it is....
Is that important? Presentation? I think it is....
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Old...
We're so old.....so much has changed in our lives, hasn't it? I'm not even that old but it feels like I am, I am running out of years just as much as you are! Losing potential, time, energy.....what else.
Looking through old photos....you can get so nostalgic. It's kind of sad. I had to stop. The human mind has the wondrous capability to remember emotions and thoughts you had during that time too....oh how things have changed about yourself. Your approach on life. People.
Then you look at the people around you. Haven't they changed so much? It's kind of heartbreaking. I'll be doing something "routine" now and realize before, it wasn't routine, or it was slightly different. Now you can't even go back. It's just not possible to go back to the "old times" because we've grown too much, developed too much....not just physically but mentally. In our hearts, minds.....
Maybe that's a good thing that we can't go back but can only remember. A great part of this is remember all the horrible embarrassing things you've ever done and would never, ever do again to save your life....those are the things that make us smile and blush and shake our heads as it shakes our hearts and minds how careless we were. It's kind of frightening really.
At the same time, we can look back on good times....but of our prior accomplishments, I don't think we can ever be as proud of them again as we once were, because now in the future we are capable of more. That was nothing....now we can do so much more. Maybe then we took a further jump from the expectations and met the other side but now we can gauge ourselves....just think of how much more "prepared" you are now to deal with things. And as you go through life nobody's really teaching you. Are your parents still there telling you table-manners? Or how you should tell a bully to stop harassing you or how you should behave in public? No....but you learn more every day by existing, and if you try you get so much more out of life.
Isn't it wonderful.
Looking through old photos....you can get so nostalgic. It's kind of sad. I had to stop. The human mind has the wondrous capability to remember emotions and thoughts you had during that time too....oh how things have changed about yourself. Your approach on life. People.
Then you look at the people around you. Haven't they changed so much? It's kind of heartbreaking. I'll be doing something "routine" now and realize before, it wasn't routine, or it was slightly different. Now you can't even go back. It's just not possible to go back to the "old times" because we've grown too much, developed too much....not just physically but mentally. In our hearts, minds.....
Maybe that's a good thing that we can't go back but can only remember. A great part of this is remember all the horrible embarrassing things you've ever done and would never, ever do again to save your life....those are the things that make us smile and blush and shake our heads as it shakes our hearts and minds how careless we were. It's kind of frightening really.
At the same time, we can look back on good times....but of our prior accomplishments, I don't think we can ever be as proud of them again as we once were, because now in the future we are capable of more. That was nothing....now we can do so much more. Maybe then we took a further jump from the expectations and met the other side but now we can gauge ourselves....just think of how much more "prepared" you are now to deal with things. And as you go through life nobody's really teaching you. Are your parents still there telling you table-manners? Or how you should tell a bully to stop harassing you or how you should behave in public? No....but you learn more every day by existing, and if you try you get so much more out of life.
Isn't it wonderful.
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