Letter to Jesi

To my dearest friend Jesi:

Are spontaneous decisions okay? Just out of the blue....or my rationality is probably slurred because of today.

Remember how we were talking about, well, them before? You asked me, "Why don't you confront him about it?" and I said, "Because I'm afraid of him and how he'll probably screw with my life directly if I do." and you had a very good point in saying how they're probably just as afraid of him...then i said it was their responsibility as an individual in society to be someone who will make a positive impact and further advance our society. It is their responsibility, regardless of their circumstances, to be a strong independent person. Well maybe not strong. That's relative.

But, you don't have to be an individual to me mature. And I told you how I can't stand that right? D: So I realized...well wait. I should ask myself - Why do I like Max, Max, and Zach? They're all very immature! (Hammy and Jason aren't immature. Their silly) so why do I...? Maybe because well I can see why based off the other circumstances in their life whether it's that they don't know what to do with themselves or they need to blow off energy or they're just afraid of...responsibility and growing up? And then with what I said it's their job to stop being immature and they shouldn't be :/ so it doesn't make sense that I can be annoyed with Chase when Burmeister say is just as bad. Which he isn't. Maybe it's because they have self-control? Because they do. And they are individuals. They're strong characters while say Chase is not...well Daniel's certainly a character but isn't quite a person. Maybe that's why, I don't know, what do you think?

I don't know. So I held more adoration for my section last year right? Hahaha. Maybe that's it. I will always think they're better than me and always will be :P just like so many other people. I told you how I had a soft spot for Chase right? I mean just as a friend I wanted to get to know him even though I knew it would do no good whatsoever. And I admired Daniel for his capabilities if not his incompetencies. But I realize I shouldn't like them at all.....like at all at all. In any way shape of form other than just to get along with them. That I shouldn't let Chase's immature language get into my get and all his dirty little schpeels go on because I don't want to hear it and corrupt my mind. I don't want to let him do that. Today in concert arcs...well he was especially inappropriate. And it really bothers me because it's one thing if he's going to think like that but it's another if he's going to corrupt who I am. Burmeister tries to protect me, he will actually go at Chase and make him shut up for me thank goodness I love him so much for that! Chase is such a follower that he'll do it. So I should just kind of forget Chase. When the season's over I'll never see him again besides when we pass between 3-4 and if he's ever following his friends around into the band room. That's easy. Daniel and I could have a great relationship as friends with mutual benefits from knowing each other it's just not very practical when Arthur's around. Augh Arthur. Watch Chase tell Arthur about concert arcs today (Burmeister kinda brought up the Jones boys and I tried to abort ship before Chase would notice but whatever) he'll probably just say that Burmeister and Celine were talking about him and Daniel and hehe, to be honest, I think we're the two people Arthur's most afraid of in the section.

Did I tell you how Arthur told me before that he hopes I'm enough of an individual to stand up to him because most of his friends become dependent on him (like the freshmen boys) and all that? And he said he hasn't found very many people that haven't given in in that way and I told him I'll show him...then he said he might be starting to regret it when he couldn't guilt me into telling him things about myself and I ended up asking him uncomfortable questions about his conscience when he was trying to pressure me into confiding in him. Hahaha! :D so now we generally avoid each other in the back of our minds but we're okay. And I can see why Burmeister hates him now. And Arthur would hate Burmeister he hates everyone under the sun that he can't control -.- well, not really, not the people he respects. That's a small number. Arthur's afraid of people stronger than him which frankly there aren't very many - there's you who he respects though!

Well the point....or whatever. Not the point at all, that was a bad choice of vocabulary. What I mean is, I shouldn't like Andrew. And that's a given. He's an immature jerk...that sums a lot up. I really shouldn't, you're so right. And I knew that. I knew you were right and that I should avoid him. I guess I was just afraid to...let go? It's been a year since we met and it's just weird. But I should, right? I just didn't want to. I was too afraid. I'm sorry for that. Well I don't know what happened to me but I decided I don't want to like him anymore. I don't want to have any feelings for him besides a not-too-close friendship and I'm actually gonna try for that now. I won't be able to hold up to it but hey the season's almost over. (By the way he definitely remembers Saturday; he made a reference to something he only called me that night [yes it was very appropriate] earlier today) but now I'm ready to forget it...I could do with that xD It's going to be impossible for me and I'm going to give in for the same reasons why I tolerate Chase on the level of friendship where we can tease and literally push each other around. I don't exactly know why. Oh! 'Cause they're abosolutely non-threatening and safe. Very un-threatening much unlike Arthur. They aren't strong people.

Is that a good spontaneous resolution? You're been trying to drill it into me thank you so much! I just finally realized that was your point!

I know how today's going to go! XD I'll write down what homework I have to do, probably cry a little, read the notes I have kept with me all day, make it bittersweet, possibly work on the book of my "older brothers", and either watch NCIS all night and if I get yelled at I'll start playing League of Legends and resort to playing violin if necessary. That usually helps. Please keep me on your prayer list :) I was going to text you but this was kinda long...

Points

Have you ever been in a point in your life where you're just like, "I have no idea what I really want."? I hate that, just for the record but it feels just so helpless. You have no idea what you truly want and you're waiting for something to happen to define it.

Then eventually you're like, "Wow, okay....so that's what a really want...(regardless of how rational, practical, or stupid it is)...I see now..." And so you're there like Yeah! Now I know! And it's good I think to define your passions and where you're headed.

Maybe then you'll come to the point where you're thinking, "This is stupid. I can't want this. This sucks." Which is lovely because now you can't do a thing about it now. When it's reachable do you go for it? If it's plausible do you merely hope? If it's not in your control how do you feel?

Skirting the Edges

When you're afraid you'll scare them out of any form of a relationship if they don't want to take it that far. And your second biggest fear is that it'll ruin your already good relationship but you know confrontation must happen. Your third biggest fear is that it'll affect the relationships with other friends.

And this is why I'm going to die.

Sometimes I wish people didn't like me like ; A ; what is this. I hate life right now. Time to go be irrational and stupid and fuck some serious shit up. Excuse my stupid language. Time to kill myself.

Don't be indecisive!!

Title's just a good thought. A lot of reflections...


Last night was our last competition for Marching Band and I was crying my eyes out for a good fifteen minutes...trying not to lose it before we went on an tried to wait until after pictures. The seniors are leaving us....our drum major is leaving us. He left me a note and part of it was how we first met and that's when I just lost it. It was an emotionally taxing night :P after I was okay and my gloves were soaked from crying and everyone was looking at me weirdly I gave my friend who's thankfully a junior a big hug. Two of my freshmen friends were trying to make it worse for me by reminding me how it's the last time I'll march at a competition with this group and see them like this and everything, I don't know whether they were legitimately trying to be jerks or thought I was okay. What my poor band teacher must think of me and my best friend who was crying with me...

Speaking of what he thinks....on the way back I was in the front of the bus which is boring but it's quiet which was good for these purposes....my best friend, I've mentioned him a couple times and I were sitting together and I guess things kinda escalated to passionate kissing that night and now it's like well what now....hahaha. I believe all the staff members around us noticed but I don't know about the teacher and his girlfriend. We got back at like one-thirty. Who knows. I just know he hasn't texted back since I texted him last night and this morning but we'll see each other later...

So now my question is, would you give a good, close relationship up for something more, still just as close just more physically interactive and intense, on the lines that eventually it must end (unless you marry each other) and there's the chance that you can either go back to how you were before or way further apart? And knowing you could easily pursue the sort of physical relationship with others that are interested, but just not the same?

I don't know.

Remember

Do you ever remember things that were such a prominent part of your life before and think "Did that really happen?" or "Was that even real or was it all in my head?"

Random

I always say I wish some people would just disappear forever. Like the silly boys who harass me and talking about dating and who I like and other guys. Honestly, I don't care. Go away and get mature. >_< It's very annoying. And hurtful....

So much new music to learn and master in so little time; my music schedule is packed :( What is life xD I cannot even begin.....there goes all my sanity. And time for anything, especially long term projects and homework.

So much to do. I have to get on this. You know what I mean? Get on top of your business and get everything down! I got this. Well I have to. Tomorrow's my birthday and I can't be a train wreck.

Two insults to use: Pachyderm, and Furry Meatloaf. One's from the Lorax the other from Asterix, if you know what I'm talking about. The person you use it on would be too stunned to be offended :D

Help

People worry me. I can only hope my existence makes their day better. Like my friend, who's yeah, two years older than me and going through some tough times....but we sorta hung out after school. I know he likes to teach so I let him "mentor" me. Made light conversation. I didn't realize how much he personally meant to me, I knew it was a lot and a lot of people don't like him so I got over-defensive of him a lot but he means a lot to me....there's three guys who mean the world to me all on the same-ish levels. They're my older brothers without knowing it and my biggest worry xD all older. I don't know what conclusions I can draw. Do you?

Discussion

11/12/12 Sometime at night...

I think our Band Review was good this last Saturday. It was fun. I mean, we didn't place in the first half....but from our perspectives it's a lot better than last year xD The feeling of franticness as you think you're going to screw up and let everyone down and forget everything or someone in your section will kinda overwhelmed me and I could've just died. I thought I didn't have this. Out there, I thought, "Okay, I'm here. I got this." and there was one judge up in the box who seemed to just be staring at me every time I looked at him in the beginning so I was thinking "Okay that's weird, maybe he's the woodwind judge but why just me?" I lifted my bell angle higher than usual. He was still looking at me. "Alright, challenge accepted." and for the whole show (besides looking at the drum majors and dressing) I glared him down, lifted my sax as high as I could, and thought, "Well, you can keep watching me this whole time and I promise you, I will not mess up. Try to find a mistake. I dare you. I got this." :D It was wonderful.


I had a really good talk yesterday with some beloved friends, one who's three years ahead of me and two that are two years ahead of me in school. It was wonderful how deep, serious, complex, and high-thinking our conversation was....a lot of it was concerning religion and beliefs and other aspects of it included respect, morality, and social behavior. I'm glad they were mature enough and so was I because those types of good discussions are rare. And I love them; they mean so much. When you're all thinking and performing at high levels and your vocabulary is broad and you're being serious, everything hits home and we're being real, really thinking, it's wonderful.

I did end up crying at the end because they're all going to graduate and leave me and I just can't....can't imagine them not being there. What will I do with myself? So yeah.


There were some good points about last night.

Someone said, "I think every religion is the same in the aspect that we have a common goal and believe in a higher power but it's just how we believe on getting there that makes the difference."

I'm not sure to agree or not because religions tend to condemn each other. Yet a lot of them if not most center on suffering in this world to enter a better state of presence once we die,  and giving our souls and bodies up for/to a higher purpose. So that still needs another discussion to finish it.

"A big factor is in how you represent yourself..." right after he said that we all kinda forgot what we were talking about but I believe it was in defining yourself and who you are.

He also agreed, and he being a senior that his first impression of everyone when he was a freshman was how impressive they were. They were all so defined and sure of themselves, confident in their decisions and knew who they were. It was intimidating, and that's what hit both of us first. (Aside from that, I decided that once I saw them and was amazing I was going to define myself. So I did, even when I stopped seeing them....so now I see them again and I feel like I'm just like them and unlike everyone else in my grade. Because I told myself "I am going to know myself inside and out and define my very being and I will amaze people." I guess it worked because one of my teachers described me as always knowing what I wanted and I would give everything for it. A very passionate person. Haha. That also shocked them, they didn't know I got so passionate. I always am, I just hide it 'cause it's a little weird.)

Occasionally, running away from your problems works; other times you need to make a wrong and right and fix it. When dealing with problems you never do anything to compromise your morality (further).


I guess high school is a time to find yourself and to open up your mind. And who isn't scared that they're going to screw themselves up and end up as someone they never ever wanted to be? We're all just very imperfect people having a very deep conversation and thinking on higher levels than usual. It was supposed to be a movie night, but we thought way too much, sitting on the cold tile floor of the kitchen talking.

There were like four girls who I believe cannot shut up, and are quite immature. I've asked myself if some of them have even forgotten how to talk to type in english....their language is strange. Who are they? Have they ever just sat down and thought about their life? I think it's very depressing but who am I to judge....I'll just tell myself they're just being more loose. Who knows. You can't have this type of conversation with them, they always pull out. But we're all imperfect.

Failed

First Field Show Competition of our season tomorrow!

Remember the post about severing our feelings? And how it's possible, really, dangerous, but so useful? Haha. My friend said she doesn't like people because they feel things and act upon it. The fact that they feel things is okay but people act on what they feel.....actions are great if they're rational. True I suppose. She asked me if it was really possible and well yeah....if we didn't sever and cut ties we'd never get over anything. But that's slightly different.

I told her I had just severed my feelings for someone who I found the day before to be quite irrational and somewhat demented in his rationale, if you will....I already knew he wasn't an individual and immature but I don't know, I liked him. Then I decided well he's just going to be there I don't like him anymore, he's just cool. ((Now think, that definition of "like" are you taking? ;) It could be any....)) And well that failed when he started messing with me today.

(This all happened yesterday, by the way)

So I told her today I wouldn't like the guy I like anymore....him and his brother are just the cause of so many problems and they are really messed up and mean and just bad. And still totally lovable....you remember? The manipulative one and the one that can't accept my leadership and is dead serious when he thinks he has no problems and is better than everyone. Well I told her I'll do it and prove it to her by tomorrow....yeah no xD he was shivering today it was horrible xD and well yeah, he is a very nice person on the inside.

I know the definition of love now. I saw four boys from my section today and they were walking together and at one point we were standing in the arc and the sun was making everything golden and it was love. It was perfect I wanted to hug all of them xD That is the definition of love. One of them.

Well this is a post of failure. I have failed terribly....and what shall I do now...

Sorry

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had an *ahem* problem with a certain creep.....

It needs to be over before I can analyze it well enough to get anything useful out of it besides experience and memories which i really wish I didn't have.

Sooooooooooo
What drives you to inflict pain?

-

I've run out of the emotional energy and tears to cry.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel really unproductive and useless, wasting too much time.

Other times I feel like I have too much in my hands and I can't keep up.

MOST CONFUSING agkgkabdbs

You know what the most confusing thing in the world is? It's so sad :( I hate it.

When your role models, friends that you love and would die for and who are awesome good people are like "You changed, the old you was better." between this year and last year. When really you haven't changed at all. It's just that you haven't changed at all, it's just that you're less shy now and are more social. It makes me angry and very frustrated and sad. It confuses me. What do they see in me that's so bad??? And i want to be like them so i would be willing to change but i dont know what it is. I wish i could've seen them when they were my age (oh, did I mention they're older?) so that i could see how they changed. Why do they think im messed up now? Im better now than i was then. I didn't talk then. Let's punch a wall. I'm so confused. If they think i'm gonna grow up messed up I'll show them wrong. It sucks. I have not changed, what on earth do you see? Is it because i'm social? And i love to laugh and make new relationships and I mean it I don't put on fake faces or reactions or conversations, I'd cry if they thought so. I swear. Can't we just believe each other?! They need to believe me. Oh my gosh. They don't understand how much this means to me and how it's affecting me. Some stuff I'll never forget:

"You changed. You suck now." sarcasm?! Idk

"Don't give me that face. Yeah, that one." it was my legitimate reaction that i use a lot yes, but its honest

"I listen to the way you talk and pay attention to the way you think."

"Whoa when did you start talking like that?!"

"That wasn't smart, why would you do that?"

"You've changed in the last year...you've been corrupted."

"You aren't all innocent and nice anymore."

"He loved you last year. This year he just likes you."

"You're starting to get a little cocky." ON MY MOTHERFREAKING HONOR I SWEAR I AM NOT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD ITS MOTHERBLEEPING CONFIDENCE AND SAYING WHAT I HAVE TO YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS AFFECTS ME

Looks also do too. I mean I can see it in your mothertrucking eyes when you're disappointed in me.


Give me a freaking chance. Please. You just judged me on the bleeping spot. When i met you guys you know what I thought? "Okay, so this is different. I'm not going to make opinions of your guys for a while." AND I ACTUALLY REPRIMANDED MYSELF EVERYTIME I WOULD START TO "I like all of you guys and I'm not going to be able to understand all of you or see every side of you which is cool, I won't pry and I'll trust you, I believe you are good people." Maybe that's why I can only see the good in them. Either way they should have open minds. They don't know me. I should've thought and hoped that they would gage me accurately but i guess not.


REAL PEOPLE CAN HAVE SEEMINGLY OVERENTHUSIASTIC ROLES IN A CONVERSATION OH MY GOODNESS JUST BECAUSE YOU SEEM REALLY BUBBLY AND HAPPY TO TALK DOESNT MEAN YOURE FAKE AND IF YOU START TALKING PERSONAL YOURE REALY OPEN ABOUT YOURSELF IT DOESNT MEAN YOURE JUST ACTING OR PUTTING SOMETHING ON TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE YOU.

Let's get that clear. That's 1. Confidence isn't cockiness should be 2. For goodness sakes believe all reactions and words to be honest that's 3. 4 have a freaking open mind about people!! Ahh!!!

So many needed concepts.

And since I have to explain my emotion, this is why I'm really frustrated/angry and depressed/sad now.