Lies

I dislike how when someone believes a lie you automatically have to lower your respect for them even if you don't want to. Say, I really do like my friend's dad, he used to terrify me but now I like him, and now he thinks I like his son when I don't, and he told his son that. I wish I could like him when his son and I are going to be working closely together for a while and at his house but I just....can't....I don't want to. I'm mad and I don't know why.

Isn't that horrid xD

terrified

You know when you're absolutely terrified of a situation and can't rationalize all of it away? It's horrible, being backed up into a corner....

The worse things are the things dependent on someone else's mind...

"The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him but because he loves what is behind him."

-J. K. Rowling (Harry Potter Series)

:/

Sometimes you just have to let things go.....

When the other person used to be the one to start conversations and chased you, otherwise you never would ever talk to them first, and now you don't talk at all, who's fault is it?

Questions..

When you can't change your past but don't know what to do with your present then what?

You can't move on to your future without settling your present and past.

Books

Just spent a good half hour bawling my eyes out :) Just because of a book....and I've read it five times and can often recite the words in my head....I've never cried this much over a book....the last 200 pages is sobbing. Not the kind of crying I did at my last Marching Band Competition this season because my beloved seniors would never be there in uniform with me again....it was different.

I've been trying to figure out what kind of crying it was.

So crying isn't a bad thing and there's many different kinds. Like the kind when you're going to miss someone when they graduate, and the kind when you find someone's fallen out of love for you or it isn't reciprocated to the same degree (and this of course has many forms, including being judged/misjudged - your general respect for them isn't reciprocated), and the hopeless I-should-die kind when you look at someone and think "goddamn-they-do-everything-i-do-10000000x-better-and-i-am-really-useless"? This is the "holy this is so sad how"

The book is about the deportation in Lithuania, and only after reading it now do I recognize the true importance of every character and their beauty...they're minor characters but oh so important...literally...but just...it's so sad.

Between Shades of Grey
by
Ruta Sepetys

Hey

I haven't talked in a while. I'm overwhelmed with the amounts of extracurriculars I chose to take on at this grade. I'm not a Josh. Josh is the most amazing person alive, first chair clarinet for the Oakland Symphony, speaks seven languages, incredibly intelligent and nice...those people that you see and think, "Damn, I should just die. Look at me. What am I doing with my life?! He's a freaking god!"

Then remember, to someone else, you're that person. And for him, there's someone that's the person.

time

My life is seriously disproportionate. I usually spend 5-7 hours on extra curriculars, 30 minutes MAXIMUM on homework, five hours asleep, one hour with family, four-five maybe even six or so texting while doing stuff and an hour on electronics. How sad. and six at school.

Wow

Missed

I can't decide if a three week holiday is good or bad for you. I missed people yes, I also enjoyed forgetting many individual's existences.

We had to do a prompt in English on the best gift we gave or received. I believe the greatest present is presence, so I can't wait to write about getting to see my best friend for the first time in a while!

Bored!

Why is it that when I'm bored I don't do anything?! I have tons to do - practice. But I want to do something that has a final tangible product...create something that isn't a long term or work in progress.

How frustrating.

I think i should clear up this blog :) Really. It'd probably help.

Remember how i posted life is good? Here comes a post to make you think I was sarcastic xD

Life is good.

Relax.

Fear

Ever have a question you're just too afraid to ask?

We don't need to go into why. There are so many.

Why are we so afraid of the uncertain and the unusual, change and surprise?

Possible?

I never wanted to ever touch on this controversial subject but....

Okay. There are obviously many different types and forms of love. To name a few, a mother's love, a father's love (yes, obviously stereotyping to a degree), sibling love, the kind of love you have when you're little with a relative that's nice but you just don't have the attention to care for, the type of carefree love young best friends have, the type of appreciative love that best friends who are older have, the list does on and on and on. I have no idea what kind of love holds a marriage together. Actually, the many types of love in a marriage. Nor do I care to yet; I see them yet they slide over my eyes because I don't need to know yet. I know there are many different types of love even in a dating relationship.

But please, someone explain to me,

What is the sort of unconditional love where you irrationally overlook the other's flaws, ignore what would widepsreadly be considered underserved for them and doing it, not letting go when you know you should, and really having a very talented and able relationship with many aspects of affection and hardly any of malice, a relationship deeper than it should seem and one that holds up the existence of both partners, to a degree? I believe this is very possible. It's just unconditional love. Nobody deserves it but it's given. Oh, and in the context of with someone that isn't a family member. Sex ratios I don't even want to bring that in.


And then again, everything I analyze is compromised with my own hindering feelings of hurt and affection, so on and so forth. I hate being incapable and not being able to do anything about it. Not without changing too many things. And I know help comes to those who help themselves but what if it's okay....everything's okay.....



Is my writing tone different. I feel like it is....I know why. But is it?

Fandom

Do any of you belong to a fandom, and if yes, then which one? I can't believe "fandom was spellchecked"!! I personally could never be a hardcore or major fan of anything that wasn't alive. Why I'm not sure, I just find that I certainly obsess over things, but not subjects...ideas yes, but it's just...like....I love HP (Harry Potter), but it's a book series!! It's amazing but there are better books, and it's a huge fandom, but just why?! And I love Sherlock so much, and Firefly, but not a major hardcore fan that writes fanfics, draws, keeps it in mind every day, has a tumblr I use or anything. I know it makes me look like one of those people that have something of their interest but when asked about it, don't really know what it's about. Like one of those people that are practically useless to a group and don't give even 70% and talk about it like they own it.

Happy New Year

Can we just pass over the fact in the change of year and ignore it...time is a man made thing and it really doesn't exist or matter and nothing new is created, nothing changed by the second it goes from one year to another. (I feel like I should've used " somewhere there at the end but I wasn't sure how to annotate it appropriately)