Frustrations and Wonderfulness

A lot of people are sick. And it's summer! It's slightly frustrating, I know it's not their fault; nobody tries to get sick, but their weak immune system just augh. Or maybe not necessarily weak just not strong. It's nice to have a strong one but I just feel horrible when my friends get sick, and every time they do it's bad! I'd trade the virus because I could get rid of it....and I don't want them to suffer xD

I realized, the biggest irk ever isn't always incompetency. That's the biggest irk with yourself, but with others it's effort. I understand if you weren't born to march (I'm not referencing our downsized Marching Band practice since people were missing) but at least try.

There's a guy, in 8th grade, who we let march with us since we accept 8th graders. Thing is he doesn't work on technique, memorization, music, or drill. Which is fine because a lot of us don't (well, we don't need to) but he has to try harder, being younger. And he just complains about practice all the time and doesn't even try....just complain and make fun of people and it's quite depressing.

On either side of me during the duration of the show are these other two boys, and they're both kind of absentminded, but they're decent at things. Just decent. However when it comes to finding their places in drill (positions for the show) they are horrible. We'll go from one place to another 3 times and every time they'll end up in a different place. I am suppose to "dress the form" to them but I can't because they're just horrible. Chase at least follows me, Andrew doesn't even try, he's not giving 100% and it's the worse.

Well I did horrible on a maths test for the first time. Algebra isn't my thing....oh well. :(

Those things kind of threw me off, but it's nice to know now I have a personal connection with those people I respect so much. We just love each other and I don't know why. It's a wonderful feeling. It means so much that I can connect with them....sometimes it seems it's just a joking or normal relationship but in the end we all mean something.

You know?

Follow up

“I don’t really mind what their sex is, it is what I care less about. I can like a man as much as I can like a woman. The pleasure isn’t in fucking. It’s like drugs. I’m not attracted by a nice arse, a good pair of tits or a cock this big; well… it isn’t that they don’t attract me, I love them! But they don’t seduce me. Minds seduce me, intelligence seduces me, a face and a body seduce me when I see that there’s a mind that moves them and is worth knowing. Knowing, owning, dominating, admirating. Mind, H, I make love with the minds. We have to fuck the minds.”

Isn't that genius? It isn't falling for someone's looks....or charm. The second's much easier. But you see, there's a sequence of shallowness I kinda sense. I'm not sure if it's developed or not. Soon, it will be.

7. Looks

6. Body
5. Charm
4. Humor
3. They give you what you want/need

2. Personality

1. Brain

Most people would go for the higher numbers, when we should really be looking for the lower ones. I think it shows something about us, who we fall for. What exactly is broad.

I won't go into this in relation to me, because you probably think I've been talking about myself too much....in truth it's how I develop these, by relating them to myself before going outwards and expanding there. Well they're not all directly related to me but those are my examples I use.

But this is a good subject to just leave to rest and for you to think long and hard about.....

Random Dissection

After-practice showers are the best, hands down.

It was horribly hot today, and half of us were gone, most of us didn't feel good, and my friend hot heat exhaustion and threw up. It was just a terribly hot day! Two hours in the sun didn't help either. I don't know if we were all tired, or the light was just sucking the energy from us, or both.

Water is awesome.

Either way, I was thinking about why there's so much tension in the upperclassmen I know. Why is it there? I don't even understand it completely because I haven't been with them most of their lives, I can only tell a little bit. And here I am sometimes in awkward positions because I love them all and are friends with both sides and it's just awkward sometimes when they're fighting and you were just laughing with one of them.

I suppose it's partial competition right? Oh, you're not better than me, I suppose, or they just don't approve of the way the other is like....or think the other is a dick, most usually. Why?

Then again I guess I have the same kind of things with my classmates. Well I don't, but it's more relevant to me on that level. I just respect them all for senority and because they're all great people. Like my mom asked me today about a girl and I answered, "Well some people hate her some people love her, I can see both sides so...."

It's good to be in the middle, in this case.

I think this is the only case really where I'd rather be in the middle.

It doesn't give me a lot of support 'cause there's nobody that can really relate to me in this particular major things and strength is good, so that's why it's the only one.

Oh how much easier it is to do things when you have support!



On another note! Found two awesome writings.

"I have a crush on your mind, I fell for your personality, and your looks are just a big bonus."

it reminds me of this which I found on tumblr. If you know Sherlock....BBC's TV series based on the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle you know it's so genius and awakening and awesome and just the best ever.It was written in the point of view of Moriarty.

“I don’t really mind what their sex is, it is what I care less about. I can like a man as much as I can like a woman. The pleasure isn’t in fucking. It’s like drugs. I’m not attracted by a nice arse, a good pair of tits or a cock this big; well… it isn’t that they don’t attract me, I love them! But they don’t seduce me. Minds seduce me, intelligence seduces me, a face and a body seduce me when I see that there’s a mind that moves them and is worth knowing. Knowing, owning, dominating, admirating. Mind, H, I make love with the minds. We have to fuck the minds.”

Isn't that just awesome? I shall make a continuation post :)

Just think about it....

School and Shiz

It's getting harder and harder to write intellectually as the school year is now under way for me, funny right? I don't know what's my problem, but this year I'm just so confused. Even after 11 hours of sleep (I can crash like that on a bad day).

Do our brains really atrophy that fast? How do we stop it....keep using them, right? What I don't understand is sleep. No matter how much we get we always want more; I know you can sleep past that point where it doesn't do you any good and you just exhaust yourself, but you can feel rejuvenated then just plain dead. Why?

I was excited for Robotics Club today! And I have to say it was a pretty good day, 'cause I'm not going to let stupid things bother me. I had a fun conversation with Max, Greg, another one of our friends, and Arthur, and because it was with Max and Arthur, two people who have troubled me recently it was good.

I feel like we have to gauge our relationships with everybody. Seeing who we need to put more time into, who less time, who to tell what, how to treat certain people and how our relationship is at the moment. Because in truth, a relationship of any kind takes a lot of effort, sometimes we are just too tired....and take things for granted. Or could improve but don't!

But again today they troubled me. I walk into the junior-senior band class because I forget something and this random girl I don't even know the name of asks me if I like Daniel, Arthur's brother. Honestly I'm not ready to talk about it, yes I admit that is my one point I'm not solid on *as quickly*. So I told her "Uhhhh....I can't say...." and she practically yells "IS THAT A YES!?" and then I go over to my locker and Arthur asks me "Why are you doing robotics.....?" well he knows Daniel and I were talking about it and since I was pretty worried I kept a damn straight face and said "'cause I've wanted to....since like last year....why?" and he's like "Oh. Okay good. Good." and won't say why....I'm so worried about who would've tipped them off. After school Hammy's like "Oh Celine we were talking about you in band.....in a good way...." and Max was giving me his scowl that I know means he was thinking about me and he wasn't happy about it, or he was trying to figure something out.

I tried justifying all this. Arthur asked because he thought I might fancy Daniel, but he doesn't for sure now. After all, he was going to talk to that creep for me and we became cool in robotics. Max was just scowling because he's Max, and that girl, well maybe she asked because he likes me. There's only two reasons. Either they think he likes me or they think I like him; the first wouldn't make sense with Arthur but I tried to reason that Arthur has been cleared. I just can't get that out of my head. And Hammy's would fit in with either.

This worries me too much and I told myself to just let go and not care, and just be cool, because otherwise I'll kill myself over it, which I don't need. I just don't want people to respect me any less for it, easiest example being Max, or possibly Daniel himself. I trust people too much and see them as better sometimes, which I shouldn't.....but Jessi knows, and she'd never say, Katie does and she would hint, Sohnjay wouldn't...maybe hint less than Katie. By hint I mean accidentally without meaning to it's just their nature. Anna and Heidi would never but maybe someone overheard us. Or they're concerned about Daniel, not me, which I hope is true (haha, not, why would Arthur ask then? I'm doing robotics because Daniel asked me? and Daniel would never. haha)

See how I'm overthinking this? So it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Tomorrow I'll try to be cool with Max, and Arthur, and Daniel if he's there, talk to that girl if I see her, if I don't oh well, never mention it 'cause I bet nobody else will, and if they do.....oh well.

So this is my approach so I don't stress out. I always do, and maybe it's my fault for being so concerned and trusting but......I don't know. Is it resignation to be falling away from concern? Because it seriously damages me and does me no good, this goddamn worrying. aaaaaaaaand I got distracted, it probably took me 2-3 hours to write this. Do. Not. Overthink. But we should all have our own ways for compensating right? It does nobody any good to be sad, or worried. Just stay on top....as long as you can, there's no need to. Yeah, if you screw up maybe then....but do you want to? Just get back up again....ha. Oh well.

I'm trying to use my brain, after speaking about emotion then using some intellect to reflect on it.


So in robotics I couldn't have been more confused watching Arthur program something using "Arduino" to program this mini motherboard.....but he promised he would teach me next week!! :D I can't wait! Engineering is so my thing, we watched this awesome video on it (well, the design process) of this awesome group and I'd love to do what they did but with Architecture (the group was IDEO from Palo Alto, CA). Which is why I plan to major in Civil Engineering and Architecture, but I still have some time....

In robotics there's only four freshmen, three are me and these other two guys I know and there's only two girls, me and this girl who's in orchestra with me. She said everyone in the club either wore glasses or had a bad skin complex which isn't true, but I laughed anyways.

I can tell the people who do stuff are all like-minded, which makes sense, but everyone seems to just fit. Not too much clashing that I could see, yet. A type of independent and self-sufficient encouraging family so that you can work together for the best for everybody.

The other club, which does Mock-Trials and Debate has majority of a certain race......like 95% but I won't say who, I just wonder why. I don't think most lawyers are from that background but one of the girls wants to me. There's also a handful of band kids in that class....I don't know why.

And so, here goes my night of not thinking.





I'm so sorry today wasn't so much intellectual, I mean you can really tell I didn't have to think so much. I've just had a lot on my brain and was hoping to make sense of it, see, this is how I am in the school year isn't it horrible? No need for a brain but this year I do!! So I have to change that. I'm so sorry, I promise I'll get over this soon and start posting relevant things. I apologize deeply.


By now, I hope you haven't judged me by my age or country either, for that matter. 


:) Until later...

Horrible

I suppose you could call today a horrible day. Besides that horny creeper that's augh just there and should creep on someone else, there's another somewhat creepy guy who just....ew. Augh. He's my friend but shouldn't come onto me like that especially has a girlfriend. And it's gross and some of my other potential friends might see that as a deterrent.

And Daniel transferred out of my PE class. We were always partners for everything! D: We had actually gotten a good deal closer as friends, I was so happy.....and now he's in the other class. Because they're trying to balance out the classes and since his friend was added in the other day they chose someone random to fill it out. Why him....I don't know anyone in that class, which isn't most of it, it's just that I'll miss him. We both worked pretty hard to forge a relationship, being two quiet people around strangers and it was just awesome! I'll miss that....and when Marching Band's over if we never talk I'll cry. I'd seriously call us friends now, as tight as him and his old guy friends, and I think we had a chance....

Speaking of which, I'm learning more about my new male classmates from Diablo View. Nate continues to confuse me as sometimes he's too observant of me and other times I'm not there. But they're all sweet people.

And since I mentioned crying......

I swear I teared up, a tear may or may not have fell.....

My friend Max, a guy I respect more than anyone else in the band arguably, this guy that I love and respect and hold in a high place in my head, also my section leader, has been having that debate of who will be "minion", or section leader after him. And as much as it bothered me I let it go, because I told myself I respected him to the point where if it's his decision I'll do more than live with it. And Daniel isn't so bad, all the same I'd still probably tear up.

During lunch for the longest time he was comparing me to Daniel and Nate.....okay they're like freaking gods at sax and Daniel's good at everything, and Nate's just awesome and chill and it was just horrible. He was comparing them to me! I realized they hit him not quite like I had and oh, I kept from crying by laughing and squinting my eyes enough so that you couldn't tell. Great method. It was so horrible, seeing this person you admire so much tell you that you're not good enough, and that those two are better than you in every way possible and just praising them for every goddamn thing they do, and you're there feeling like an underappreciated piece of shit who should just die.

I swear, that was the worse feeling in the world. Especially coming from him. Max. Anybody else I could've gotten over much easier. But it's Max. Max. I swear I died on the inside. And as soon as he left....leaving this big stab in me, I just started tearing up, I couldn't hold it. Even Mr. Scott gave me a funny look. I got over it enough to participate in class but I was still thinking of it.

I wish I could say that's all exaggeration but I can't :/ I don't think I've ever felt worse.

Post-Event

My friend said this to me today when I asked her if I should forget this guy, who, well. He has a girlfriend but was really hitting on me and flirting, it started with teasing then he was saying he'd like to pull me closer to him then it got dirtier into sexual references and deeper to the point where over text he told me multiple times he was so turned on just thinking of....stuff and he had an orgasm and then he described this very vigorous busy sex he was thinking about.

I don't think I've ever been more grossed out, creeped out, or scared in my life.

He said later that "that's his third life, the first two are normal and proffesional" but he's the type who knows he can use his charm to get away with things but isn't really slimy. He's a cool kid, I thought.....

Being me I can't say "back off" or anything. For someone with such a strong personality sometimes I'm the opposite. My friend offered to pretend to be my bf if he's there so I could use that to block him but he doesnt think much of relationships, seeing his previous record of them.

So my friend said...."Forget? Yes. Forget. But dont forget that you hate him. Or that you are scared of him or creeped out. You can forget why. But dont forget that you do."

I'm so grateful for her and how she puts up with me, we often disagree and sometimes can't stand listening to each other but I still love her, she's wonderful and protective like we all are and she wanted to kill him. Which would be my reaction in her place too.

Sometimes people are just too nice.....

!

I am horrible at not leading people on! Okay not just that but also at not playing games....i just love games. But I know I shouldn't, because it will never end well.....some things are just so wrong. Augh.

Why....

I hate being stuck with how to respond when someone is being unfaithful to their girlfriend on me, seeing as it doesn't strike me as rare anymore....it's just horrible.

Games

Do you play along with people's games or not?




When it's harmless and they have nothing on you, why not, right? It's fun....you don't even really know it's a game FOR SURE (but yeah who are we kidding).



But even if it isn't like that, would you?




:D

Blast from the Past

Wow....so I found something I wrote months ago....4 to be exact. So long ago it feels, 'cause so much as happened.

"It's amazing, we all have our own network of people kept apart....a social life interwined so delicately, and the catastrophe that has the potential to erupt..."

I still find it true, and I can remember the circumstances I was in to make myself express that or think of it, at the moment I wouldn't be able to relate as much but I can remember.....thank goodness for both.

And well I wrote this back then too but it'll always be true.

"When a smile is worth a thousand moments....."

I wish I had a picture of every one of my friends smiling. Not like a planned picture just when they don't know it....impossible though. I think I've said some people's smiles are the best, but really it's just their spirit and seeing them happy.

I suppose back then I was referencing "a thousand moments with them" or "a thousand moments lost (or that you'll never be able to spend with them, remembering some things) but their smile is worth it...."

Luckily I'm not getting over-nostalgic 'cause I'm over that stuff......it's good to be able to let things go. Haha.

Cool kids

Daniel, aka Mr. Amazingly talented at everything imaginable is actually quite cool....just a pretty chill nice guy. Other than the oblivious spells. It's awesome when one of you starts playing a song and the others just join in....and it's just sick!! He plays a song by DeadMau with Chase, our bari and they're just so awesome for it.....somewhat annoying with Max and Burmeister, another tenor and bari, but they're awesome.......so annoying but I love them 'cause it's awesome!!

I found my favorite thing in the world - well not really, but just something that will never cease to make me smile, warm my heart, and be loved by me. Watching some of my favorite boys play in Jazz Band....oh. And Daniel's "seductive" solo. Our teacher told him to play it more seductively but I'll tell you he's the last thing you think of when you hear seductive....well not really, I would just never associate him and that together and I straight out laughed.

Sheet Music

Okay this is slightly irrelevant but does anybody know where I can get sheet music for songs by the group "Moondog"? Amazon and every good sheet music site I know doesn't have anything :( Particulary
~Sandalwood
~Dog Trot
~Tout Suite No. 1 in F major 2nd Movement
~D for Danny
~Novette No. 1 in Db major 1st Movement
~Present for the Prez.

They're really a great group! :D Well, if you like Jazz or especially if you play sax....happy music :] Well I love some of their songs and others I don't like at all, maybe they'll hit you as that kind of artist too

Yup

Can I say it's a good day when you come home around 6 procastinate then fall asleep, and nobody can wake you up 'cause you're just that tired? And now in the middle of the night you're lost thinking "what can i do silently.....what food is there.....damn I still have homework...."

Yes

It's been officially confirmed - that this kid is better than me at every single thing we bloody do, and we're both somewhat similar in what we pursue and such! T_T 'could've died walking into Jazz Band practicing, and it was his solo and his brother's like "come here come here!" and everything and probably just about talked for five minutes straight about how amazing his little brother was. Again. So I got away from that but then even Jessi confirmed it was true (also that if what he was saying really bothered me it was not "fine" and she would punch him) but I didn't want that, he's a cool kid we all have our quirks. I just said "It *is* fine because it's all true!! All of it! So it's okay!!" 

Well technically it isn't I suppose, I guess it's a form of bullying but it's alright. So it is true, but I did find out I'm faster than him!! One thing!! Although I got so slow over the summer....still beat him though. One thing. 

Alright, he's a thought. You can find out who the people most important to you as a love interest in your life by whoever creates the most problems for you and stress and you worry most about...right? I believe so under some circumstances I wouldn't know about a marriage.

So the thing is, the group of boys from DV with that amazing prodigy child and Nate in it walks in and my friends yell "There's your boyfriend!!" and my initial reaction is to not react at all but I'm pretty pissed about it, all the same I act normal around them (ie. not talking) but that's just stupid of them, they are generally insecure so if I have to choose my priorities this year I'll let them go. Still, saying something like that 1. pisses people off 2. makes other people think we have drama 3. makes the people who just walk in wonder what I've been talking about them 4. could potentially ruin my and Daniel's friendship since he's never talked to girls because they're a distraction other than me quite a bit this year. It would seem I wouldn't want to be friends with someone so similar but better but he's cool.

 ~~~~

More people need to be the huggy type. I'm not, but when I'm happy and nobody understands a hug's good. Like yesterday. Oh! I got to be section leader and set several sets in marching band. Which was awesome. And I was so proud because I did it all right. Everything and Mr. Scott was wrong! I personally think I'm one of the better setters but eh. And I was so proud but the only people nearby was Andrew who's a bit awkward, Burmeister who's awesome but still, and Chase who I'm learning more about and somewhat scares me. Or the alto's occasionally. Daniel insulted me friendly like a playful punch so I'm guessing that's a compliment 'cause his brother Arthur says his compliments are insults. But it was more of a friendly banter.

On a side note it's real funny to watch someone who can think of insults on the spot, or what I mean is when they instantly respond to a statement with an insult. Even better when they don't know you well enough to do that so it's more like "Whoa that's a fat dot book." (friendly talk) him - "YOU'RE FAT-I uh-uh um no you're not yeah...." and other things like when they realize you're the wrong gender or not that type xD


What do you notice?

Threatened

Now I know what it's like to really feel threatened by somebody. Not like a death threat not that sort the kind where their existence kinda makes you feel unsafe. No not like that it's because they're a threat to your personal security. Those kind of people that are better than you. I mean that's normal but there's normally something you got on them or they're too distant to really hurt you.

I'm used to it on a small scale. After all, there's another girl same race just a smaller build prettier and more exuberant that already knew this guy I liked but haven't seen in 6 months. And I got over that in a flash, I don't know how it really hurt then it just didn't matter or anything and I thought she would be a threat but it's not that bad, because I don't respect her like that or look up to her. I'm not saying I disrespect her I just don't go along with the way she lives but she's cool and all, I think, I just don't really care. And I have other things on her so it's cool.

The other people I really admire and make me feel like a piece of crap and the reasons why I take up so many instruments (okay they don't really make me feel like crap I just have to be as good as them they really are the people that make my day, I just love them to death) are too distant to be a threat, age-wise and mentality....either way I am the type of person to most people in my grade that people would see as a threat.

I was thinking earlier I finally know how it feels to really suck at something. I mean I've always been pretty darn good at whatever I do, but now, you're seeing the limitations. Which is fine, I got over that a while ago. But I'm really low though. Except it's fine, because I could be worse and I'm not planning to pursue this as a career (sax).

But still, there's this amazing sax player, Nate, the kid I liked, anyways he's a freaking beast, made it into jazz band as a freshman (okay part of this is all that crap about DV being better than us don't remind me I'll never get over that all my life but it's cool) and I wanted to be a good as him....I really admired and respected him and was going to totally look up to him as someone in my grade that was a million times better than me in everything, then I saw how he was socially then that kinda died, and I kinda got over it since we never really crossed paths so that was good. He still kinda is but he isn't making much effort to become friends anymore since January so I think I may be a little sore over that but it's okay.

Then in my section there's a boy, who I think is pretty similar to me (okay he's not at all but I don't know, I just dig that kinda thing) but he's the quiet type who doesn't talk to girls so I made it a point to talk in the one class we have together, PE, since for a couple days we were just sitting on the bleachers. And it actually got on well to where now he's making an effort to find me and talks and stuff. But you see he's a freaking boss at sax, like a child prodigy and at piano, and marching and academics, and I'm like what do I have on you??? Violin?! And Max thinks we're even for second in command and his brother too! I know and love his brother but I'm finding out he's not the type I want to get to know really well, you know those people? I'm learning flaws bit by bit....

Anyways! His brother! I mean, amazing at everything right? Okay, I will admit I could easily have a crush on him no problem. And it takes a lot to build this friendship, maybe too much. I know I'm putting way too much importance on an emotionless stranger, but you see I admire him. I think he's a freaking amazing person. And while today his brother Arthur and Max were yelling at me about that, I felt horrible....horrible. It must've been one of the worst feelings ever, I already respect him beyond measure for who he is and I already think he's a gazillion times better than me and there they are telling me he's even better and I should see that. That hurts. And I love those two, don't get me wrong, but that was just....horrible. Never again.

You see, I see him as above me. Better than me. Higher than me. More capable. I'm just real with people and where they are in comparison to others! So I don't need that. And now I'm just stressing out over that.....

I swear, I will cry if he ever becomes section leader of Marching Band and not me. Regular band by all means holy gees of course! But I will cry....and if someone else tries to make him look big for me I probably will too, none of this is his fault of course. And I love him it's just hard. I think he's chill and him and Nate have the right to be so nonchalant 'cause they're damn good at one thing. I can't be that kind of person, at least not yet, I'm just generally and all around type. And that's a whole other type of thing I could go into but I'm over stressing way too much to care.

If I don't become his friend, I'm pretty sure he'll take me down. Not going to lie.....it'd be awesome to be best friends and like pretty good at what we do. I'd love that. Same for Nate, but....oh. This is a reason why not to choose the two most popular instruments. But also, I guess this is reality. I mean other people who aren't good at much don't worry about it. How? Is it the high standards? Oh what a curse.


Oh feedback please. I'm dying to hear it :(

:)

Streeeeeess

School was unbelievably stressful today. I didn't even think so until the last 20 minutes though. It was just horrible....then it got good (because of my crazy thinking) to the point where it didn't matter....then I just hit a point where everything was just horrible. 

Then I remembered the usual feeling that happens during the school year. You worry your ass off every day for school and just stress out and over think all these problems, but then you still want to go back to school, either because it's fun or for a stupid reason, and then you realize it's mainly because home is hell. Since one day of forgetting your lunch and your parents think you're trying to starve yourself for your self image. Geesus. I'm not insecure about my looks at all I'm perfectly at ease with my body good grief. Some people eat more than others get over it.

Anywhooooooo...............it's frustrating and so hard having to tune into so many people at once. Just too many people to stay tuned in to....wayyyy too many. Then of course you put emphasis on all the wrong ones and do silly things because of them and are always distracted when you're talking to just one cause you have to keep at least 6 other people in tune and you feel rude or half-hearted but you're not you just have this whole thing going in your head and it's so hard.....

Tuning into others in a band or orchestra is a gazillion times easier.

There's just too many people you love and are concerned about! Too many people your know! And you care too much about some and it's hurting yourself and oh.....it's just horrible.

 And even so there's more real things you can be stressing out to.....just so many other things other than tuning in. Some social some not.

And it's the fourth freaking day of high school. Whoop-de-do I'm gonna die.

I need more sleep, but I've been pretty good on that. Time management? Parents please, I got this down, same as eating habits for the love of pete. Socially I'm stable but I just tune in to too many people. Classes-wise? They just suck this year.

But I think, I'll get somewhere. Somehow.

I'm thinking this tuning in thing is the problem mainly. Is it? Is it my parents? Or just a combination of school and a social life? 

Don't even get me started on....how good these people are from DV and how much I envy them.....admire them, hate them, scorn them, yet love them, respect them, and are put out by them. And not even on the DV band kids.....holy sheesh.

How would you?

How would you describe the emotional range of a teenager? Their horrible hormones they can't get over.

How would you describe being driven insane by it but not being able to get over it?

Would you succumb to it or be stuck in the middle not giving it but not getting over it?

Minds

School is the perfect mix of awesome fun and chaos......why? Every year you want to go back yes or every day but when it's over you realize how bad it was and how complicated and messed up you made it. That's part of looking in the big picture....but in the moment isn't it like that because our mind makes it that way? Our minds control everything....even what our reality is. You know what I mean? We *make* our reality, in our head. How accurate it is in relation to what others think could be totally off. That's pretty cool. But also how we get delusional. In a period of time that isn't so great for us though, it's pretty easy. I mean - why not? Other than it's dangerous...but hey, you'll learn from it, if your mind's strong enough to break out of it.

Scared

Heh. Funny how in a split second this whole overwhelming fear can wash over you in a split second. One moment you're not scared the next you're pretty sure you'll pass out and fail.


Well, it's the first day of High School.


Joy :D

Update

Again, the concept I referenced yesterday that was fairly new was given only a little thought today....way too much fun and stuff going on >__< but it may have been intercepted by another thought....and I don't mean it's developing I mean if this thought is true it'll either hinder or effect my ability or viewpoint of it.

:-)

Difference

I keep forgetting one thing....oh yeah. Is it better to have the hormonal status of an 20-year-old but think like a 13 year old or vice versa.....I'm pretty sure thinking like someone 5-7 years older than you but having the emotional range of someone else your age is much worse.....and there's always a handful of people that get comments on how mature they are but when it's many people, often, with a diverse range of relationships with you and you just know.....well you know and then suddenly your age emotional range takes over and you seem somewhat bipolar in your ability to stay a certain "age".....I believe I'm under this curse. So you're stuck there understanding how things are or should be and being open to those ideas but you can't break past the age barrier.

What's worse...?

Ignorance is bliss right? So true...there's no need for examples it's just obvious. That's why autistic kids are always happy....I mean, they don't really have moods, obviously stress but...still. They're just happy. So is it better to be born that way and never feel down? We're all born with different levels of performance, intelligence, and potential. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do once we reach our full potential/performance/intelligence....someone's full will always be anothers half.

There's also the thing; each of those three (from here-on referred to as 'ppi') are divided...say you have good execution in performance but less independence....and a lot of potential in music but not the arts. You were given a 70% level of talent in relation to others in music but only 40% in arts. Would you pursue the arts (remembering in life you only have a short amount of time) and bring that talent to a 70% your maximum potential there or work on the music and be a 90-100%? The second one is what Olympians do...but the first is more well rounded, because well then you're pretty good at more than one thing, no need to be number one. Then again most of us don't have the potential to be the top in anything so we have to choose something we're decent at and end at a 60-80 range. And how many could make a good-paying career of it? What would you do?

It's unfortunate how jobs in the arts generally don't pay as well as science and engineering [just examples]....but if that really isn't your thing then what can you do? You should supposedly at least be happy at your job right? So then some aren't given much opportunity to make more money than others...but it's something I've taken into account when choosing a major and interest and what to pursue more seriously, given your talents and potential.

Is it better to be generally decent at everything you do, at least a 70% or a 90% in one thing and 50% in everything else?

I have another concept I'm building....but it's new so it's undeveloped and I'm not sure how to present it yet. Tomorrow, maybe.

And another thing I keep forgetting I will post later....on it's own 'cause I think it's a little different.

Thoughts?

Open - Reflective on Religion(?) and Such

It's always a good thing to have an open mind, right? I would always stay open......open-minded people I've known are amazing, and different. There are people always searching for knowledge. Isn't that great? To always be trying to learn more. 

I was wondering today......in the book of Genesis in the Bible, why didn't God want Adam or Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil? It kinda reminded me of how some would describe religion as blind. To be devout in your faith, don't you have to be blind to some things in this world? Like, you wouldn't know what drugs feels like from the perspective of someone who uses it if you were brought up in a devoutly-religious home perhaps. You can't go out and try certain things, sexual games or flirting perhaps. Which makes you ignorant to a whole side of a social life. Ignorance is bliss....perhaps that's why such people are seen as such "strong" members of the church.

Would a Catholic Priest know what it's like to be a Lutheran before he chose Catholicism? It isn't fair to be brought up in just one faith, because then by instinct you're always thinking it's the right one....but if you were brought up in another you'd feel obligations to those beliefs. If you are brought up in one, unfortunately all you can do is educate yourself in other religions and belief systems, but to really know, you have to give yourself up to it, don't you? Anybody can know what being a Christian means, but have you experienced the power of the Holy Spirit yourself? Talked to God in the midst of a crisis? And always in the back of your mind is that guilty feeling when you've strayed away from your "home upbringing" religion (or it could be atheism or anything else), but is that just because it's normal? The usual? 

I have to say sometimes the biggest turnoff from churches are it's members. The people who claim to be of a certain faith but exemplify the opposite. The best example I can give would be myself. I grew up in a "Christian" home, well my mom was the dominant one in the marriage and she was Christian where my dad was just open. I tried to be "Christian" for the longest time but I just didn't understand it. All the same I didn't really love my mom because of her personality, and my dad was so nice.  When I was 12 I was just weird and awkward in the head so I finally really became a Christian...in a way that was my worst year in school and the best in my relationship with God. As I got further into the church I discovered more fake people....which is fine, the church is like a refuge and probably has the most impostors ever, but when I was 13 and started looking at other ways people lived and my friends and teachers many of them who were atheists or undefined were better people than those who were "religious" (after a while I started on the idea that people are born certain ways). Then later being 13 my school life got better and I broke away....adopting the new idea of wanting to explore everything before deciding on a path. My mom didn't approve, but still. But also my mom can't stand any talk of contradicting Christianity or exploring anything else, say, Buddhism. Aren't you supposed to be able to argue your faith? Be open to those who are "lost"?

^ that was probably a really bad explanation but I tried. Still yet, doesn't religion make you irrational? Starting wars...murders....I'm still young and don't know a lot but I try to be as open as I can....

 

Comment your thoughts, please :)

Basics

Good times to fall in love, is it not? Okay this will be a terrible first post but it can only go forward. Like your mind, right? Once you go through a thought process or learning something it's there, learnt, I mean the stuff about life, what you learn that builds your view of the world, how you should live, and "why" - once you learn it it's always going to be there and the next time you find another revelation or think like that again it will build off of it. Whether you realize it or not; of course you can remember it again to reinforce it or just to remember. But it's amazing how the mind goes forward, like how once you're doing calculus work you don't have to go back to basic arithmetic. You don't even have to think about it on a normal basis, but occasionally you might remember it. Awesome. Even better is that well, obviously you can't record *all* your thoughts so how will someone learn from them? Apply this and....they just see the best. Unfortunately we can't just learn math by jumping into geometry, we have to start from the basics. :/ And of course, this would only make sense (the others learning from you part) if ultimately the "goal" would be to better society. To contribute something and to leave a mark in as many lives possible. I wouldn't call it a "life" goal because it's hard to keep things in perspective on the whole scheme of things. But in a way it really is. On the note of the big scheme of things, do we really think right and wrong? Not necessarily everything is black and white, of course, but in the big scheme of things are we looking to do what's "right"? Will we really look back and say "I'm glad I did the right thing then?" I don't live on a basis of right and wrong.....I go by what's sensible and logical for the most part. Anyways, the good times to fall in love start was something else but instead I decided to go into the basics of many of my thought processes....yeah referring to the top. So now I shall change the title too.