Explain

I know what pisses me off xD ruins my day. Not being able to explain my mood xD hahaha. I alway have tl know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling and it has to make sense and if it doesn't I'm going to change my feelings. I realized I'm always asking myself why I feel the way I do and if I should. I just have to understand why and justify it or else I shouldn't be feeling that way and I'll try not to. It's pretty cool and crazy.

I hate how some people means teasing as forms of affection and some just cannot see it that way xD and its pretty equal and everyone's a bit of both :P

Randomness (i promise i'll post better)

There's a difference when someone says "I'm just picking on you." and "I'm just joking.". I was expecting a friend to say the second one and they said the first. I think it probably meant the same thing to them but I don't know. Joking means you weren't expressing anything to be made fun of. The first one means you're doing somethig noticeably wrong or off or badly and so is someone else, but they're calling you out for it as an example or something.

Never use alto mouthpieces on a tenor it sucks. I used a metal one, i believe it was a jazz one that was my friend's and i had to do the embouchure of a high C to play a low C and even then it was with horrid tone and so tight. I tried a normal black plastic one and it was at least a step and a half sharp all the time and the tone just killed...it sucked and the sound was atrocious. Bari moutchpieces work on tenor, but not with a reed that's cut in 5 places and missing a corner xD

I have my friend's mouthpiece. And that's all I have of him, unfortunately xD

A lot of people ditched school for the Giant's parade. It's Halloween, and my house is going to be scariest 'cause im practicing :)

Vocabularies

I love people with good vocabularies. People that phrase what they say in a way that's unique and has thought and isn't normal. Of course, some things are second nature to say but those little comments they make that require thought into how to phrase each word are awesome. People with extensive vocabulary and particular phrasing. People that say those things that make you think "Wow, what was that? I thought I only read those words in good literature. How did he phrase that? That was really important. Wow." I like those people :D People with quirky phrases. Strange strange people. People that laugh. That make fun of you just as much as they make fun of themselves :3 People that are silly. Silly people.

"But I don't like it when people show sides of themselves to me that aren't real." :D

This was the setting, a friend had just said, "Okay, I'll stop pretending to be emotionless now. But then again it was fun and I actually could kind of mean it..."

And then my amazing and very talented friend said that on the spot and it made me happy xD it was amazing :3 Haha. He has a great vocabulary....a myriad of good words and phrasing. I try to have one, but I don't get enough practice. I think with a wide range of vocabulary but in expressing those ideas it becomes very limited [:

I guess

I guess we should care about those who care about us and see us for approx who we are. Those wonderful kind people. But we can't care about everyone that cares about us, if we did there would be no heartbreak. Sometimes there'll be a person who gives us so much supposedly for us but we shouldn't give anything in return, right?

I asked my friend this today: "Am I supposed to feel bad for what _____'s telling me?"

I don't know. I don't know who's important and who's worth these brain cells and this limited time I have been given. The people who don't expect me to make it, or the people who believe in me.

Go to hell.










Edit: sorry, I just say that....my thoughts....I'm at an emotional and pretty much life low right now. I need a hug.

Can I?

So today was going to be a decent day, then it slowly cascaded down...

I realized I was entering a dangerous conversation, and a dangerous position, both unrelated but at the same time. I dared to initiate the conversation and to take on the dangerous role, because I felt it was right. With the conversation I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Maybe I wanted to decide all or nothing, am I going to separate myself from this or go all for it?

The fact that the conversation would bring me down was inevitable, I just didn't see it, or didn't want to. I think eventually I'll have to separate myself from this bond but I don't want to. I don't know what I want. Or what I should do. What does one need? What is important? Who is really important, and who isn't?

Who do you listen to when you have a lot of admirable people to look up to? Who do you decide to be like and follow? And how important are they? How important should they be? I believe that you should either see everyone the same as you or higher than you, because 1) It really sucks when you feel like someone is looking down on you when you know they shouldn't be so you lose all respect for them because of their superiority complex 2) If they're better than you then you can't maintain a relationship with them because they're not looking at your potential and other abilities. Nobody is better than you at everything, right? It's quite unhealthy and they should see you for what you are 3) a relationship will never work, they'll never feel threatened and you always will.

So, respect people. Even if they're worse than you, don't look at them that way, for god's sake...The moment you look down on someone it takes away their impact.

Higher than you gives them power. Now who to give it to, is half the problem.

Another problem is how to improve....you should always improve but everyone has different ideas on how and the end result. And I'm not sure what to do. Or who to listen to. What to do and what it'll cost and what you can get away with. When to be honest, when to compromise, and when to tell them what they want to hear for the sake of it. When to cry and when to tell yourself you have no reason to listen to them. Or that you shouldn't. Who do spend more time with. Who to love. Who to be wary of. Who to let rule your life, and who will create a mutual benefit relationship. Who's going to be honest and heart to heart with you, and who's worn away all the truth left in them. Who's built up the thickest walls and who's willing to talk. Who's open to new relationships and who's too afraid to be hurt. What's your potential and where do you want to go? Who's opinion freaking matters?

Can I cry?

The "If-Then" Statement of My Life

If you are a threat to my security, then you're better than me.

got this?

I am going to do this. Allstate. Not even going to think about Daniel, or Nate, or any of the other saxes or Wind Players that will probably audition for the Allstate Band and have at least ten times the percentage chance of getting in than me. Nope. They're their own thing, they can do whatever. Not going to think how they couldn't even get into the district honor jazz band and how good they are. Nope. Not going to think how we only sent three winds last year. Or all the freaking amazing high school Asians there are that can play better than I ever will, like the soloist at the DVC Philharmonic concert that was amazing. Nope. He doesn't matter. They don't matter. It's fine if I don't get in, I have more chances NO I am going all out. Eight hour recording session here I come. Learning new octave and songs in half a month with Marching Band Practices I hate you but I'll do it. I am going to do this. I can't do this but I'm going to. I can't but I will. None of those winds matter. They're just better than me so what? They aren't better at violin. I will make this happen. I will not be jealous of them. I will not cry. They can have their own little deal. I am me. That's all I have so I might as well go all out. I am going to make this happen. I will not fall out. Psh, band. Band kids. I love you but it hurts so much. Please don't take me down. I cannot let you (I will) I will not let you. I.....I need to do this. I am fine. I'm not good, far far far below great, don't even mention excellent, I'm just fine. I'm fine...I need to stop freaking out. Stop emphasizing the people who are better than me. I cannot do that. Bad! Bad bad bad! I am the least and most incompetent of all. What am I doing.

Please let me be accountable. I need this.....well....help.

Respect for..

I have respect for people who go out of their way to make things right. When they've screwed up but are willing to go back, taking their time, energy, comfort, peace of mind, and willpower to fix whatever it is that needs fixing. People who are willing to start over, and start fresh. Goodhearted people who are just trying their best...but everyone makes mistakes. It takes a lot to go back and fix a broken relationship.

fake

I know some girls who love to make unattractive faces on purpose, talk in anything but their real voice, sing obnoxiously loud and talk in extreme texting styles. It's cool that they can accept that everyone has unattractive sides, and I wanted them to not be fake. Because they act like it. So for a while I believed they weren't, that they were mature even though they spoke in immature attitudes,weren't considerate, and never went outside the "safety" of their same enclosed little circle of people they've built up for quite a while.

Well, it took them a while to make themselves fake. I wonder if they even know what their own voice sounds like, or what it's like to be completely vulnerable and quiet for once. Reach out. It takes a good while to become like that. To become anything, but it's a process....

It just bolds the fact that every decision is more important than it seems. Even if it's just saying his but a relationship never lasts, without that one practice of being outgoing....you might still be the quiet kid who slinks home after school every day. Everything takes practice. I always think, what if I had been set against socializing just that one time? Or what would happen if I believed this and not that? It's kind of scary.


I wonder whether they knew they were building themselves up to that. No little girl says they want to grow up and be fake. Well they aren't like bitch fake (I think) but they're so frivolous and bubbly and so unreal. Their personality is nonexistent, they're just so fake.......

I can tell they don't talk to me much only because my friends aren't like that xD and neither am I. Maybe I intimidate them :3 Haha

Well

So, my school was playing another school for their homecoming. Some of their students decided it'd be cool to come to our school and slash a ton of the tires in our student parking lot and spraypaint their school initials on them. To get them back, we beat them, 49-6 ;)

Enthusiasm means so much. Nobody wants to do Physical Training in Marching Band but I made my section. A leadership guy took over but that's a different thing.

What is it when everyone says that that was wrong but I don't think so? And they say yes it is because all these things that I think should be okay and even should be implemented? Is there really a right a wrong? And being the minority.....


On another note, I'm getting to read my brothers better :)

Friends

I think friends are those people who when you're having one of those days when you just want to die and feel bad, they tell you how awesome you are and lift you up. They're there for you and care when it's least expected and when you really truly need it most. And that's just one aspect.

Brothers

I realized my most recent "relationship experiment" if you will, although it really isn't an experiment it's just what I'm focusing on learning from and about lately, has been brothers. Like, not mine, but balancing the whole awkwardness of being friends with pairs of brothers.

I have two examples, one pair has a guy in my grade and his older brother is a junior. I knew his brother before him, and I'm closer with him so it's just kind of weird now when I like his little brother and he knows and I'm really not close to them at all. It's so strange. Then there's my wonderful friend who's a senior and I'm close friends with his little brother in eighth grade. Those relationships are both cool but it just seems so weird...because again I knew the older brother first. The first impressions of both little brothers was "He really looks like his older brother...moves and talks and does things the same..." and I love all four so it's just strange....

I'll keep you updated on this adventure! :D

So...why...

So I used to ask, "Why do I like someone a relationship would never work out with???"

Maybe because it didn't really matter and 1/2 of it was that I was afraid of a relationship at such a young age and like damn, it's not like whoever I liked mattered, what was I, like 12?! So it didn't matter at all and even if I wanted to I couldn't date.

So now I'm pretty sure I could even if I'm "not supposed to" like really, and I'm not either way with wanting way or avoiding it, but now it's seriously, why do I like you, you'd be horrid in a relationship. Then I think, "It doesn't matter", but it does. I'm not saying I'm going to marry a guy I know now I'm saying every relationship matters; how I feel will affect the two of us, and dating is like practice for marriage. Since we should be striving to get better at everything we do dating should be no different...we're learning. I'm not saying your first relationship should be crappy or can't be good I'm just saying experience teaches you a lot.

It just shouldn't take you down, you know? Like if they're going to take you down and you're always going to second-guess yourself on your decision and wonder about it don't do it. And if they're socially incompetent don't do it.....well that I don't know. The thing is I want them to get better socially and they need experiences for that. The people that don't have a long list of embarrassing social moments they wish they never did (we all forget them anyways) aren't going to be as socially able as those of us that have (provided the events aren't on purpose). And you need experience....and effort. If you don't try  to put yourself out there nobody can help you. But I want to expose them to this. And they're not going to like it but it'll help in the long run; problem is they'll associate the bad memory with me, 'cause I'm the one that pushed them in the deep end of the pool when they barely knew how to swim. But they need it. Augh.

Maybe that's why. Haha BS. That's just why it's reasonable, and partially why I like him, but it's also wishful thinking that he's hiding a whole myriad of social wonderfulness. Which of course he can't, nobody, no matter how smart they are, can be socially able without practice. Of which he doesn't get enough of.

So why? Why do something pointless, spend energy time effort and care into a failing project? You don't stay friends with someone who doesn't do a thing for you! But if you benefit from it....I don't know. I'm learning by analyzing him and learning a lot from it so that helps....and maybe because it's something to do. It's something. I'm bored.

Hey

I just spent a good hour of good intense focus and work and got absolutely nowhere. It's about the story, there's a picture of the outline on my last post but it makes no sense neither do any of the other ideas I had before and it just doesn't work. This whole seasons, sex, manipulating, and death thing is killing me. T_T Horrible.

Well it's a new day and I'm loving the weather and my friends. Especially being able to play with our advanced band and all my friends today, life's good if you ignore the other stuff.....

like a best friend who seems to be, eh, well, nevermind :3


Got no story plots any ideas? Due tomorrow :/


Here's a question.

"What makes music music?"

I think it's an expression. and when discussing it you'll find yourself defining it. Because it's all you have. If you ask, what makes "Joe McDonald" Joe McDonald you'll find yourself describing him. Now you can ask "What makes Baroque music music" and then you could go into aspects not so much on the subject but more into it's relation.

Story :P

CALM. Today was good I guess. Not having anything after school really throws me off.

Oh yeah! My close-minded friend, who I might add is socially incompetent (he doesn't get enough practice) is like serious when he says he's going to be single forever (like he's gonna try to be) and not even going to attempt a relationship (what kind of demented child says that?! Poor soul...) and he has like specific requirements that just might make him change that, but it's highly unlikely.

I was so focused and productive before now I just can't focus to save my life asdfghjkl

Oh!! Oh oh oh!! I made an outline of my story plot for English, wanna see?

I think it's gonna be cool if I can do it. I already know it's going to be way longer than the required 1-2 pages typed. Like the Vivaldi reference? ;) 4 Seasons? Yeah? Yeah? ;D

Mehr

I should really do my important homework. Band is going to kill me. I am dead. What a weird childhood I have. I have to see my upperclassmen tomorrow. Yay C: my body just cannot physically take this. How? Why?!

Please

THERE'S SO MANY WAYS ONE CAN FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING, "SCREW UP" IN HIGH SCHOOL AND JUST GO BAD AND OH DEAR GOD PLEASE NO.



"Shut up and remember your seniors." Oh how I should remember my role models. Especially if they go to school with me.

The people that mean the most to me make me or break me. Sometimes they should mean a lot, sometimes they shouldn't. Who am I obligated to? Everyone's better than me. I don't wish I had low self esteem, I just wish that confidence were more common. I just have a lot of it. I need it. Is that so bad?

Self

"I'm not that smart, there's so many people who are way more advanced, and I'm not that great on sax or violin, there's so many people far better than me. Personality there's always something I can work on."

I hope that will be my honest response every time someone compliments me. Not that I would reject it. But seriously. It's so hard to know where you're at when so many people give you a myriad of opinions.





You're probably wondering why I'm all going into self-image. *sighs* I don't even know. I had a competition in band today and played with the Marine Band :))))))))) it was fun.....but I'm so tired. And I have a lot of makeup work.


What is self image? Isn't it all relative? But you're bouncing ideas off so many people who do you take it from? Who matters?

I simply loathe how confidence is too often seen as cockiness.

God please don't let me grow up to be cocky.

Pic

So tomorrow I get to miss school for a band competition. YAY :D then I get to make up work.....
well, sweet :3

I still think going through someone's pictures on facebook is one of the greatest ways to get to know them. Their essence and who they are.

I had a concert last night and some of my friends came as well as my private teacher and band director and they all said it was amazing especially the 45 minute Mendelssohn and they were so thrilled it made me so happy :) In the end, who's really going to be there? Friends, or family?

My parents say family....but so far it doesn't look that way.

Readings

 "They have a difficult time seeing faults in people they love unless there's blatant proof they've been wronged."

"*They always try to give straight answers and real compliments to people.*"

"[If they] like you [they] will be very intense, and they will give themselves a limitless amount of time to be there for you. They may want to talk to you from the minute you wake up to when you're going to bed. When they like you, it practically means they already love you."

"Misconceptions. [They] always get sized up as possessive, but so often their desire to keep tabs on a lover comes not from a desire to control them, but to the shield them from outside forces or harm. [They] are fierce protectors of those they adore, fighting for them until the end."

"....delight and even crave emotional excitement."

"[They] are very driven individuals as they tend to be passionate and they carry this intensity into everything they do."



Things I read that are generalizations about a group of people I belong to, haha, it's my zodiac sign, but it's true all the way XD

Pictures

I kind of want to show you a picture of my essence. A picture that when you see it, you will see a lot of me. Maybe not all, but a lot. But I don't think I should

Pictures do say a thousand words, to the right person.

Writing Cont

I included what I posted last time, and this has the continuation of it. It's still rough and I haven't perfected it so.....sorry

She was Fall

She was the season Autumn. Every vibrant, defined shade. The breeze that sent the leaves dancing. She was the scarf wrapped around your neck. She was the blazing that set every tree on fire. The evergreens that held their ground. The leaves falling from grace, the trickles of the brook that got your shoes wet. She was the spirit splashing from puddle to puddle and smiling at your reflection beside her. The aroma of the ripened fruit, the pies, the laughter of family and friends. The laborious work in preparation for Winter and the child-like intensity of being carefree, destined only to play in the leaves. She was your lover walking through the park with you. The student enjoying the crisp air, an artist dying to paint. She was the grey sky that spanned above you, keeping your eyes on a limited plane.

That cat sitting in front of your fire? That’s her. The soft pittering of the rain outside your window, breaking you from your thoughts. She is the deep jacket you slip on for a night in the city, the anticipation for snow, the water that tickles your feet as it seeps into your socks, the lightning outside your window.  She is the child silently waiting at the window for whatever the last passerby can only imagine.

She is the red as deep, dark, and bright as the leaves. The lingering smell of the rain on your mind.

*********************************************

He touched the crimson red dress she was wearing when he first saw her. One flowered strap – white, springy flowers down her left shoulder. The folds down her torso. It was like she was sitting in a red and white rose. Down to her feet, which wore nothing, she was spinning in the grass, ebony hair flying around her like a halo.

January 13, 2004

I heard laughing. Laughing unlike most. Rich and pure.  Her medium-long hair that cascaded naturally around her shoulders danced in the sunlight, around each petal of her dress.             She spun around, laughing, eyes turned up towards the sky in a gleeful laughter of joy. Of just being here. The sound of letting go entirely and losing yourself in that feeling. That genuine happy.

                It puzzles me why she was so happy. I’d say it was borderline hysterical. Not right, in a way because it so uncommon, but still beautiful, because it was real. What could make her so happy with that kind of joy?

~

January 17, 2005

I found her today. The beautiful girl with the crimson red dress that never left my mind. She was the subject of every creative writing paper I ever wrote for the past year.

But she was sad, and it broke my heart a little. A part of her seemed to have died and the damage on her heart showed through her eyes. I admit I got a little angry at whoever would do such a thing to her, but I could never know for sure.

She was the girl in blue today. Winter. Her dress was strapless, falling down to just above her knees. Again she was barefoot, her toes pink at the frosty grass.  She was a snowflake, twirling to its end. The silver patterns of swirls and white rings on her dress sparkled in the few rays of sun that the clouds let through, contrasting the icy blue shade behind them. A white ribbon was tied in her hair, over her top layer that was pulled back, but the bottom she let hang freely.

As she twirled she was slower than last time, almost as if she were enchanted by some unseen force, slowly taking control of her small body. She held her arms out only slightly as she closed her eyes, looking up as if getting lost. I believe she lost the importance of time in that moment, as if she had really found something worth thinking about and was just letting go. Maybe she was tired of fighting. Or tired of being hurt. I don’t know.

The pinkness of her flushed cheeks and nose were starting to get to her hands and I was actually starting to worry about her health. Although, the sweet color on her face made me study it more. She definitely wasn’t at ease, like last time. Something was troubling her she couldn’t get rid of. She fell into the grass softly and I wondered whether to go out or not. After about thirty-seconds I did, and she was crying.

Oh dear

Today was the frenzied day. I wrote a horrid draft that I deleted, 'cause it's not important. I was just all over the place and always on the verge of breaking down and crying and was yelling and just moving a lot I don't even know. It was a big day. I'm playing with the Marine Band. My friend will be the end of me. I'm writing this like, I'll write a ton then delete it and replace it with a simple sentence x) I don't know if some things are inspiring or depressing because they make you feel bad about yourself. Aren't your upperclassmen guy friends lovely when they find out things about you? I almost died in my last class, starting freaking out majorly. Bad. But it ended good :)

More Writing :3

She was Fall

She was the season Autumn. Every vibrant, defined shade. The breeze that sent the leaves dancing. She was the scarf wrapped around your neck. She was the blazing that set every tree on fire. The evergreens that held their ground. The leaves falling from grace, the trickles of the brook that got your shoes wet. She was the spirit splashing from puddle to puddle and smiling at your reflection beside her. The aroma of the ripened fruit, the pies, the laughter of family and friends. The laborious work in preparation for Winter and the child-like intensity of being carefree, destined only to play in the leaves. She was your lover walking through the park with you. The student enjoying the crisp air, an artist dying to paint. She was the grey sky that spanned above you, keeping your eyes on a limited plane.

That cat sitting in front of your fire? That’s her. The soft pittering of the rain outside your window, breaking you from your thoughts. She is the deep jacket you slip on for a night in the city, the anticipation for snow, the water that tickles your feet as it seeps into your socks, the lightning outside your window.  She is the child silently waiting at the window for whatever the last passerby can only imagine.

She is the red as deep, dark, and bright as the leaves. The lingering smell of the rain on your mind.

Writing

When his conscience reawakened he was pressed against the wall at the end of a small hallway, shivering in the dark. His body ached with tiredness and mostly the need to break down.  Inside a fuzzed brain stimulants were sending fear, - but most predominantly adrenaline, coursing through his body. He was shaking, from his toes, in plain, black socks, up his thin legs in jeans that seemed too big on him, up to his waist, where a thin, faded belt was thrown over his pronounced hipbones. The shivers went on up his black turtleneck and through his tense muscles, through his sleepless brain.  His already pale face turned even more transparent and had morphed from a grimace to a speechless gape. Exhausted of resisting, he shut his dark eyes, diving into the adjacent room on his left and immediately curling into a ball and crying. His body convulsed not with sobs but with a sense of insensitivity, pain, and fear. He wanted to stop time. Go back.  

Someone tapped on his shoulder. “Get up. Matt, get up. What’s wrong?” he read traces of worry and concern in the voice – her voice, and a wave of warmth flooded through him momentarily as her familiarity presented itself to him. Or was it his brain remembering her? Did he not just- “Matt, come on. It’s okay. What’s wrong?”  She started crying and pulled him up against her shoulder. He didn’t dare open his eyes in case it wasn’t’ real. Inside he was dying to know that it was her and that they were safe.

 He picked up his broken spirit. The incompetency of his body to work to the efficiency of his mind took an invigorating toll on himself. It felt like he couldn’t handle his mind himself, and the events of the past dragged him down into despair.

Excited!!

It's OCTOBER!!!! Aren't you happy?!?!??!!

I love it when the months finally get into the two-digits. Then it's just happy seasons. First it's FALL, the best season ever, then WINTER, where there's Christmas and lights and excitement and Christmas music and oh this is my favorite time of the year. Fall is so pretty!!! And Winter is just so gorgeous it isn't even real. I love this time of year. My favorite. I mean, it's the middle of the school year but it's better than in Spring! And it's COLD, not Hot, so there's an excuse to wear whatever you want x) I love Fall weather. and it's the end of the year!! And soon it'll start raining....soon enough it'll be January and then there's a whole nother year to get through. But it's okay, because January through April are still generally wet :D and then it's the end of the school year, then summer, and that's just horrible. And then the cycle continues :D

So excited it's Autumn!!! Sorry!!!! I know it's been for a while but it's actually OCTOBER. Soon NOVEMBER and that's just the best month ever!! ;D

"Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings."

-Salvador Dali

How many brilliant lives are wasted? How many aren't used to their full potential?


“It is a grave injustice to a child or adult to insist that they stop crying. One can comfort a person who is crying which enables him to relax and makes further crying unnecessary; but to humiliate a crying child is to increase his pain, and augment his rigidity. We stop other people from crying because we cannot stand the sounds and movements of their bodies. It threatens our own rigidity. It induces similar feelings in ourselves which we dare not express and it evokes a resonance in our own bodies which we resist.” 

-Alexander Lowen

Oh yes.

Turning off

I feel I must turn off my feelings. It would be quite helpful now. You know all those extra emotions that don't make any sense and make you do things and feel thing's you'll look back on a think you were blind? Yeah, those. The ones holding you back? Those.

Is it dangerous? All it would be is like not admitting your feelings for someone. Sometimes it's not the best.



I know why....he has a little sister. He's going to be affectionate towards someone weaker than him, lesser than him, someone with less skill and is cute and like a puppy.

I could've been just that, but it wasn't his first impression. We're practically the same now and both of us know it, but I come across as stronger because of a leadership and senority position, although I am smaller, younger, still exactly like the weaker crazy fun person he would take to. Which he probably sees but I'm not sure why he isn't comfortable engaging in conversation on that level.

He gets on fine with my best friend, who came across to him as incompetent, crazy, and low-functioning as a first impression. I'm not sure that he sees our looks at all, I mean, if he did....
haha. Maybe he doesn't care. If he didn't care about body or looks or the way they carry themselves AT ALL he'd like my friend. But he doesn't, he can't, they're just closer. She still isn't what he's looking for.

Maybe someday in the next four years he'll admire my strong side and see the side of me that's like a little girl. Oh how your birth order can screw you up. But by then, he'll probably forever see me as a friend. Or think it's weird to ask. I tell myself, as long as he learns social skills, 'cause he's going to need them. Someday there'll be a lot of other girls that will like him and I hope he'll know how to deal with it. He's so oblivious when it comes to this it's somewhat dangerous.

Yeah, I am jealous of their closeness. I mean, they do spend all of rehearsal next to each other because of instrumentation and their places, and have adjacent lockers (mine's one away from his) but I'm not going to go crazy. I won't go into analyzing my friend either, it plays a big part but I won't.

Just turning it off now. I am free. I don't care.

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.”

-Horace Wallpole