Now I know what it's like to really feel threatened by somebody. Not like a death threat not that sort the kind where their existence kinda makes you feel unsafe. No not like that it's because they're a threat to your personal security. Those kind of people that are better than you. I mean that's normal but there's normally something you got on them or they're too distant to really hurt you.
I'm used to it on a small scale. After all, there's another girl same race just a smaller build prettier and more exuberant that already knew this guy I liked but haven't seen in 6 months. And I got over that in a flash, I don't know how it really hurt then it just didn't matter or anything and I thought she would be a threat but it's not that bad, because I don't respect her like that or look up to her. I'm not saying I disrespect her I just don't go along with the way she lives but she's cool and all, I think, I just don't really care. And I have other things on her so it's cool.
The other people I really admire and make me feel like a piece of crap and the reasons why I take up so many instruments (okay they don't really make me feel like crap I just have to be as good as them they really are the people that make my day, I just love them to death) are too distant to be a threat, age-wise and mentality....either way I am the type of person to most people in my grade that people would see as a threat.
I was thinking earlier I finally know how it feels to really suck at something. I mean I've always been pretty darn good at whatever I do, but now, you're seeing the limitations. Which is fine, I got over that a while ago. But I'm really low though. Except it's fine, because I could be worse and I'm not planning to pursue this as a career (sax).
But still, there's this amazing sax player, Nate, the kid I liked, anyways he's a freaking beast, made it into jazz band as a freshman (okay part of this is all that crap about DV being better than us don't remind me I'll never get over that all my life but it's cool) and I wanted to be a good as him....I really admired and respected him and was going to totally look up to him as someone in my grade that was a million times better than me in everything, then I saw how he was socially then that kinda died, and I kinda got over it since we never really crossed paths so that was good. He still kinda is but he isn't making much effort to become friends anymore since January so I think I may be a little sore over that but it's okay.
Then in my section there's a boy, who I think is pretty similar to me (okay he's not at all but I don't know, I just dig that kinda thing) but he's the quiet type who doesn't talk to girls so I made it a point to talk in the one class we have together, PE, since for a couple days we were just sitting on the bleachers. And it actually got on well to where now he's making an effort to find me and talks and stuff. But you see he's a freaking boss at sax, like a child prodigy and at piano, and marching and academics, and I'm like what do I have on you??? Violin?! And Max thinks we're even for second in command and his brother too! I know and love his brother but I'm finding out he's not the type I want to get to know really well, you know those people? I'm learning flaws bit by bit....
Anyways! His brother! I mean, amazing at everything right? Okay, I will admit I could easily have a crush on him no problem. And it takes a lot to build this friendship, maybe too much. I know I'm putting way too much importance on an emotionless stranger, but you see I admire him. I think he's a freaking amazing person. And while today his brother Arthur and Max were yelling at me about that, I felt horrible....horrible. It must've been one of the worst feelings ever, I already respect him beyond measure for who he is and I already think he's a gazillion times better than me and there they are telling me he's even better and I should see that. That hurts. And I love those two, don't get me wrong, but that was just....horrible. Never again.
You see, I see him as above me. Better than me. Higher than me. More capable. I'm just real with people and where they are in comparison to others! So I don't need that. And now I'm just stressing out over that.....
I swear, I will cry if he ever becomes section leader of Marching Band and not me. Regular band by all means holy gees of course! But I will cry....and if someone else tries to make him look big for me I probably will too, none of this is his fault of course. And I love him it's just hard. I think he's chill and him and Nate have the right to be so nonchalant 'cause they're damn good at one thing. I can't be that kind of person, at least not yet, I'm just generally and all around type. And that's a whole other type of thing I could go into but I'm over stressing way too much to care.
If I don't become his friend, I'm pretty sure he'll take me down. Not going to lie.....it'd be awesome to be best friends and like pretty good at what we do. I'd love that. Same for Nate, but....oh. This is a reason why not to choose the two most popular instruments. But also, I guess this is reality. I mean other people who aren't good at much don't worry about it. How? Is it the high standards? Oh what a curse.
Oh feedback please. I'm dying to hear it :(
:)
I'm used to it on a small scale. After all, there's another girl same race just a smaller build prettier and more exuberant that already knew this guy I liked but haven't seen in 6 months. And I got over that in a flash, I don't know how it really hurt then it just didn't matter or anything and I thought she would be a threat but it's not that bad, because I don't respect her like that or look up to her. I'm not saying I disrespect her I just don't go along with the way she lives but she's cool and all, I think, I just don't really care. And I have other things on her so it's cool.
The other people I really admire and make me feel like a piece of crap and the reasons why I take up so many instruments (okay they don't really make me feel like crap I just have to be as good as them they really are the people that make my day, I just love them to death) are too distant to be a threat, age-wise and mentality....either way I am the type of person to most people in my grade that people would see as a threat.
I was thinking earlier I finally know how it feels to really suck at something. I mean I've always been pretty darn good at whatever I do, but now, you're seeing the limitations. Which is fine, I got over that a while ago. But I'm really low though. Except it's fine, because I could be worse and I'm not planning to pursue this as a career (sax).
But still, there's this amazing sax player, Nate, the kid I liked, anyways he's a freaking beast, made it into jazz band as a freshman (okay part of this is all that crap about DV being better than us don't remind me I'll never get over that all my life but it's cool) and I wanted to be a good as him....I really admired and respected him and was going to totally look up to him as someone in my grade that was a million times better than me in everything, then I saw how he was socially then that kinda died, and I kinda got over it since we never really crossed paths so that was good. He still kinda is but he isn't making much effort to become friends anymore since January so I think I may be a little sore over that but it's okay.
Then in my section there's a boy, who I think is pretty similar to me (okay he's not at all but I don't know, I just dig that kinda thing) but he's the quiet type who doesn't talk to girls so I made it a point to talk in the one class we have together, PE, since for a couple days we were just sitting on the bleachers. And it actually got on well to where now he's making an effort to find me and talks and stuff. But you see he's a freaking boss at sax, like a child prodigy and at piano, and marching and academics, and I'm like what do I have on you??? Violin?! And Max thinks we're even for second in command and his brother too! I know and love his brother but I'm finding out he's not the type I want to get to know really well, you know those people? I'm learning flaws bit by bit....
Anyways! His brother! I mean, amazing at everything right? Okay, I will admit I could easily have a crush on him no problem. And it takes a lot to build this friendship, maybe too much. I know I'm putting way too much importance on an emotionless stranger, but you see I admire him. I think he's a freaking amazing person. And while today his brother Arthur and Max were yelling at me about that, I felt horrible....horrible. It must've been one of the worst feelings ever, I already respect him beyond measure for who he is and I already think he's a gazillion times better than me and there they are telling me he's even better and I should see that. That hurts. And I love those two, don't get me wrong, but that was just....horrible. Never again.
You see, I see him as above me. Better than me. Higher than me. More capable. I'm just real with people and where they are in comparison to others! So I don't need that. And now I'm just stressing out over that.....
I swear, I will cry if he ever becomes section leader of Marching Band and not me. Regular band by all means holy gees of course! But I will cry....and if someone else tries to make him look big for me I probably will too, none of this is his fault of course. And I love him it's just hard. I think he's chill and him and Nate have the right to be so nonchalant 'cause they're damn good at one thing. I can't be that kind of person, at least not yet, I'm just generally and all around type. And that's a whole other type of thing I could go into but I'm over stressing way too much to care.
If I don't become his friend, I'm pretty sure he'll take me down. Not going to lie.....it'd be awesome to be best friends and like pretty good at what we do. I'd love that. Same for Nate, but....oh. This is a reason why not to choose the two most popular instruments. But also, I guess this is reality. I mean other people who aren't good at much don't worry about it. How? Is it the high standards? Oh what a curse.
Oh feedback please. I'm dying to hear it :(
:)
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