Don't be indecisive!!

Title's just a good thought. A lot of reflections...


Last night was our last competition for Marching Band and I was crying my eyes out for a good fifteen minutes...trying not to lose it before we went on an tried to wait until after pictures. The seniors are leaving us....our drum major is leaving us. He left me a note and part of it was how we first met and that's when I just lost it. It was an emotionally taxing night :P after I was okay and my gloves were soaked from crying and everyone was looking at me weirdly I gave my friend who's thankfully a junior a big hug. Two of my freshmen friends were trying to make it worse for me by reminding me how it's the last time I'll march at a competition with this group and see them like this and everything, I don't know whether they were legitimately trying to be jerks or thought I was okay. What my poor band teacher must think of me and my best friend who was crying with me...

Speaking of what he thinks....on the way back I was in the front of the bus which is boring but it's quiet which was good for these purposes....my best friend, I've mentioned him a couple times and I were sitting together and I guess things kinda escalated to passionate kissing that night and now it's like well what now....hahaha. I believe all the staff members around us noticed but I don't know about the teacher and his girlfriend. We got back at like one-thirty. Who knows. I just know he hasn't texted back since I texted him last night and this morning but we'll see each other later...

So now my question is, would you give a good, close relationship up for something more, still just as close just more physically interactive and intense, on the lines that eventually it must end (unless you marry each other) and there's the chance that you can either go back to how you were before or way further apart? And knowing you could easily pursue the sort of physical relationship with others that are interested, but just not the same?

I don't know.

Remember

Do you ever remember things that were such a prominent part of your life before and think "Did that really happen?" or "Was that even real or was it all in my head?"

Random

I always say I wish some people would just disappear forever. Like the silly boys who harass me and talking about dating and who I like and other guys. Honestly, I don't care. Go away and get mature. >_< It's very annoying. And hurtful....

So much new music to learn and master in so little time; my music schedule is packed :( What is life xD I cannot even begin.....there goes all my sanity. And time for anything, especially long term projects and homework.

So much to do. I have to get on this. You know what I mean? Get on top of your business and get everything down! I got this. Well I have to. Tomorrow's my birthday and I can't be a train wreck.

Two insults to use: Pachyderm, and Furry Meatloaf. One's from the Lorax the other from Asterix, if you know what I'm talking about. The person you use it on would be too stunned to be offended :D

Help

People worry me. I can only hope my existence makes their day better. Like my friend, who's yeah, two years older than me and going through some tough times....but we sorta hung out after school. I know he likes to teach so I let him "mentor" me. Made light conversation. I didn't realize how much he personally meant to me, I knew it was a lot and a lot of people don't like him so I got over-defensive of him a lot but he means a lot to me....there's three guys who mean the world to me all on the same-ish levels. They're my older brothers without knowing it and my biggest worry xD all older. I don't know what conclusions I can draw. Do you?

Discussion

11/12/12 Sometime at night...

I think our Band Review was good this last Saturday. It was fun. I mean, we didn't place in the first half....but from our perspectives it's a lot better than last year xD The feeling of franticness as you think you're going to screw up and let everyone down and forget everything or someone in your section will kinda overwhelmed me and I could've just died. I thought I didn't have this. Out there, I thought, "Okay, I'm here. I got this." and there was one judge up in the box who seemed to just be staring at me every time I looked at him in the beginning so I was thinking "Okay that's weird, maybe he's the woodwind judge but why just me?" I lifted my bell angle higher than usual. He was still looking at me. "Alright, challenge accepted." and for the whole show (besides looking at the drum majors and dressing) I glared him down, lifted my sax as high as I could, and thought, "Well, you can keep watching me this whole time and I promise you, I will not mess up. Try to find a mistake. I dare you. I got this." :D It was wonderful.


I had a really good talk yesterday with some beloved friends, one who's three years ahead of me and two that are two years ahead of me in school. It was wonderful how deep, serious, complex, and high-thinking our conversation was....a lot of it was concerning religion and beliefs and other aspects of it included respect, morality, and social behavior. I'm glad they were mature enough and so was I because those types of good discussions are rare. And I love them; they mean so much. When you're all thinking and performing at high levels and your vocabulary is broad and you're being serious, everything hits home and we're being real, really thinking, it's wonderful.

I did end up crying at the end because they're all going to graduate and leave me and I just can't....can't imagine them not being there. What will I do with myself? So yeah.


There were some good points about last night.

Someone said, "I think every religion is the same in the aspect that we have a common goal and believe in a higher power but it's just how we believe on getting there that makes the difference."

I'm not sure to agree or not because religions tend to condemn each other. Yet a lot of them if not most center on suffering in this world to enter a better state of presence once we die,  and giving our souls and bodies up for/to a higher purpose. So that still needs another discussion to finish it.

"A big factor is in how you represent yourself..." right after he said that we all kinda forgot what we were talking about but I believe it was in defining yourself and who you are.

He also agreed, and he being a senior that his first impression of everyone when he was a freshman was how impressive they were. They were all so defined and sure of themselves, confident in their decisions and knew who they were. It was intimidating, and that's what hit both of us first. (Aside from that, I decided that once I saw them and was amazing I was going to define myself. So I did, even when I stopped seeing them....so now I see them again and I feel like I'm just like them and unlike everyone else in my grade. Because I told myself "I am going to know myself inside and out and define my very being and I will amaze people." I guess it worked because one of my teachers described me as always knowing what I wanted and I would give everything for it. A very passionate person. Haha. That also shocked them, they didn't know I got so passionate. I always am, I just hide it 'cause it's a little weird.)

Occasionally, running away from your problems works; other times you need to make a wrong and right and fix it. When dealing with problems you never do anything to compromise your morality (further).


I guess high school is a time to find yourself and to open up your mind. And who isn't scared that they're going to screw themselves up and end up as someone they never ever wanted to be? We're all just very imperfect people having a very deep conversation and thinking on higher levels than usual. It was supposed to be a movie night, but we thought way too much, sitting on the cold tile floor of the kitchen talking.

There were like four girls who I believe cannot shut up, and are quite immature. I've asked myself if some of them have even forgotten how to talk to type in english....their language is strange. Who are they? Have they ever just sat down and thought about their life? I think it's very depressing but who am I to judge....I'll just tell myself they're just being more loose. Who knows. You can't have this type of conversation with them, they always pull out. But we're all imperfect.

Failed

First Field Show Competition of our season tomorrow!

Remember the post about severing our feelings? And how it's possible, really, dangerous, but so useful? Haha. My friend said she doesn't like people because they feel things and act upon it. The fact that they feel things is okay but people act on what they feel.....actions are great if they're rational. True I suppose. She asked me if it was really possible and well yeah....if we didn't sever and cut ties we'd never get over anything. But that's slightly different.

I told her I had just severed my feelings for someone who I found the day before to be quite irrational and somewhat demented in his rationale, if you will....I already knew he wasn't an individual and immature but I don't know, I liked him. Then I decided well he's just going to be there I don't like him anymore, he's just cool. ((Now think, that definition of "like" are you taking? ;) It could be any....)) And well that failed when he started messing with me today.

(This all happened yesterday, by the way)

So I told her today I wouldn't like the guy I like anymore....him and his brother are just the cause of so many problems and they are really messed up and mean and just bad. And still totally lovable....you remember? The manipulative one and the one that can't accept my leadership and is dead serious when he thinks he has no problems and is better than everyone. Well I told her I'll do it and prove it to her by tomorrow....yeah no xD he was shivering today it was horrible xD and well yeah, he is a very nice person on the inside.

I know the definition of love now. I saw four boys from my section today and they were walking together and at one point we were standing in the arc and the sun was making everything golden and it was love. It was perfect I wanted to hug all of them xD That is the definition of love. One of them.

Well this is a post of failure. I have failed terribly....and what shall I do now...

Sorry

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had an *ahem* problem with a certain creep.....

It needs to be over before I can analyze it well enough to get anything useful out of it besides experience and memories which i really wish I didn't have.

Sooooooooooo
What drives you to inflict pain?

-

I've run out of the emotional energy and tears to cry.

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel really unproductive and useless, wasting too much time.

Other times I feel like I have too much in my hands and I can't keep up.

MOST CONFUSING agkgkabdbs

You know what the most confusing thing in the world is? It's so sad :( I hate it.

When your role models, friends that you love and would die for and who are awesome good people are like "You changed, the old you was better." between this year and last year. When really you haven't changed at all. It's just that you haven't changed at all, it's just that you're less shy now and are more social. It makes me angry and very frustrated and sad. It confuses me. What do they see in me that's so bad??? And i want to be like them so i would be willing to change but i dont know what it is. I wish i could've seen them when they were my age (oh, did I mention they're older?) so that i could see how they changed. Why do they think im messed up now? Im better now than i was then. I didn't talk then. Let's punch a wall. I'm so confused. If they think i'm gonna grow up messed up I'll show them wrong. It sucks. I have not changed, what on earth do you see? Is it because i'm social? And i love to laugh and make new relationships and I mean it I don't put on fake faces or reactions or conversations, I'd cry if they thought so. I swear. Can't we just believe each other?! They need to believe me. Oh my gosh. They don't understand how much this means to me and how it's affecting me. Some stuff I'll never forget:

"You changed. You suck now." sarcasm?! Idk

"Don't give me that face. Yeah, that one." it was my legitimate reaction that i use a lot yes, but its honest

"I listen to the way you talk and pay attention to the way you think."

"Whoa when did you start talking like that?!"

"That wasn't smart, why would you do that?"

"You've changed in the last year...you've been corrupted."

"You aren't all innocent and nice anymore."

"He loved you last year. This year he just likes you."

"You're starting to get a little cocky." ON MY MOTHERFREAKING HONOR I SWEAR I AM NOT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD ITS MOTHERBLEEPING CONFIDENCE AND SAYING WHAT I HAVE TO YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS AFFECTS ME

Looks also do too. I mean I can see it in your mothertrucking eyes when you're disappointed in me.


Give me a freaking chance. Please. You just judged me on the bleeping spot. When i met you guys you know what I thought? "Okay, so this is different. I'm not going to make opinions of your guys for a while." AND I ACTUALLY REPRIMANDED MYSELF EVERYTIME I WOULD START TO "I like all of you guys and I'm not going to be able to understand all of you or see every side of you which is cool, I won't pry and I'll trust you, I believe you are good people." Maybe that's why I can only see the good in them. Either way they should have open minds. They don't know me. I should've thought and hoped that they would gage me accurately but i guess not.


REAL PEOPLE CAN HAVE SEEMINGLY OVERENTHUSIASTIC ROLES IN A CONVERSATION OH MY GOODNESS JUST BECAUSE YOU SEEM REALLY BUBBLY AND HAPPY TO TALK DOESNT MEAN YOURE FAKE AND IF YOU START TALKING PERSONAL YOURE REALY OPEN ABOUT YOURSELF IT DOESNT MEAN YOURE JUST ACTING OR PUTTING SOMETHING ON TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE YOU.

Let's get that clear. That's 1. Confidence isn't cockiness should be 2. For goodness sakes believe all reactions and words to be honest that's 3. 4 have a freaking open mind about people!! Ahh!!!

So many needed concepts.

And since I have to explain my emotion, this is why I'm really frustrated/angry and depressed/sad now.