Readings

 "They have a difficult time seeing faults in people they love unless there's blatant proof they've been wronged."

"*They always try to give straight answers and real compliments to people.*"

"[If they] like you [they] will be very intense, and they will give themselves a limitless amount of time to be there for you. They may want to talk to you from the minute you wake up to when you're going to bed. When they like you, it practically means they already love you."

"Misconceptions. [They] always get sized up as possessive, but so often their desire to keep tabs on a lover comes not from a desire to control them, but to the shield them from outside forces or harm. [They] are fierce protectors of those they adore, fighting for them until the end."

"....delight and even crave emotional excitement."

"[They] are very driven individuals as they tend to be passionate and they carry this intensity into everything they do."



Things I read that are generalizations about a group of people I belong to, haha, it's my zodiac sign, but it's true all the way XD

Pictures

I kind of want to show you a picture of my essence. A picture that when you see it, you will see a lot of me. Maybe not all, but a lot. But I don't think I should

Pictures do say a thousand words, to the right person.

Writing Cont

I included what I posted last time, and this has the continuation of it. It's still rough and I haven't perfected it so.....sorry

She was Fall

She was the season Autumn. Every vibrant, defined shade. The breeze that sent the leaves dancing. She was the scarf wrapped around your neck. She was the blazing that set every tree on fire. The evergreens that held their ground. The leaves falling from grace, the trickles of the brook that got your shoes wet. She was the spirit splashing from puddle to puddle and smiling at your reflection beside her. The aroma of the ripened fruit, the pies, the laughter of family and friends. The laborious work in preparation for Winter and the child-like intensity of being carefree, destined only to play in the leaves. She was your lover walking through the park with you. The student enjoying the crisp air, an artist dying to paint. She was the grey sky that spanned above you, keeping your eyes on a limited plane.

That cat sitting in front of your fire? That’s her. The soft pittering of the rain outside your window, breaking you from your thoughts. She is the deep jacket you slip on for a night in the city, the anticipation for snow, the water that tickles your feet as it seeps into your socks, the lightning outside your window.  She is the child silently waiting at the window for whatever the last passerby can only imagine.

She is the red as deep, dark, and bright as the leaves. The lingering smell of the rain on your mind.

*********************************************

He touched the crimson red dress she was wearing when he first saw her. One flowered strap – white, springy flowers down her left shoulder. The folds down her torso. It was like she was sitting in a red and white rose. Down to her feet, which wore nothing, she was spinning in the grass, ebony hair flying around her like a halo.

January 13, 2004

I heard laughing. Laughing unlike most. Rich and pure.  Her medium-long hair that cascaded naturally around her shoulders danced in the sunlight, around each petal of her dress.             She spun around, laughing, eyes turned up towards the sky in a gleeful laughter of joy. Of just being here. The sound of letting go entirely and losing yourself in that feeling. That genuine happy.

                It puzzles me why she was so happy. I’d say it was borderline hysterical. Not right, in a way because it so uncommon, but still beautiful, because it was real. What could make her so happy with that kind of joy?

~

January 17, 2005

I found her today. The beautiful girl with the crimson red dress that never left my mind. She was the subject of every creative writing paper I ever wrote for the past year.

But she was sad, and it broke my heart a little. A part of her seemed to have died and the damage on her heart showed through her eyes. I admit I got a little angry at whoever would do such a thing to her, but I could never know for sure.

She was the girl in blue today. Winter. Her dress was strapless, falling down to just above her knees. Again she was barefoot, her toes pink at the frosty grass.  She was a snowflake, twirling to its end. The silver patterns of swirls and white rings on her dress sparkled in the few rays of sun that the clouds let through, contrasting the icy blue shade behind them. A white ribbon was tied in her hair, over her top layer that was pulled back, but the bottom she let hang freely.

As she twirled she was slower than last time, almost as if she were enchanted by some unseen force, slowly taking control of her small body. She held her arms out only slightly as she closed her eyes, looking up as if getting lost. I believe she lost the importance of time in that moment, as if she had really found something worth thinking about and was just letting go. Maybe she was tired of fighting. Or tired of being hurt. I don’t know.

The pinkness of her flushed cheeks and nose were starting to get to her hands and I was actually starting to worry about her health. Although, the sweet color on her face made me study it more. She definitely wasn’t at ease, like last time. Something was troubling her she couldn’t get rid of. She fell into the grass softly and I wondered whether to go out or not. After about thirty-seconds I did, and she was crying.

Oh dear

Today was the frenzied day. I wrote a horrid draft that I deleted, 'cause it's not important. I was just all over the place and always on the verge of breaking down and crying and was yelling and just moving a lot I don't even know. It was a big day. I'm playing with the Marine Band. My friend will be the end of me. I'm writing this like, I'll write a ton then delete it and replace it with a simple sentence x) I don't know if some things are inspiring or depressing because they make you feel bad about yourself. Aren't your upperclassmen guy friends lovely when they find out things about you? I almost died in my last class, starting freaking out majorly. Bad. But it ended good :)

More Writing :3

She was Fall

She was the season Autumn. Every vibrant, defined shade. The breeze that sent the leaves dancing. She was the scarf wrapped around your neck. She was the blazing that set every tree on fire. The evergreens that held their ground. The leaves falling from grace, the trickles of the brook that got your shoes wet. She was the spirit splashing from puddle to puddle and smiling at your reflection beside her. The aroma of the ripened fruit, the pies, the laughter of family and friends. The laborious work in preparation for Winter and the child-like intensity of being carefree, destined only to play in the leaves. She was your lover walking through the park with you. The student enjoying the crisp air, an artist dying to paint. She was the grey sky that spanned above you, keeping your eyes on a limited plane.

That cat sitting in front of your fire? That’s her. The soft pittering of the rain outside your window, breaking you from your thoughts. She is the deep jacket you slip on for a night in the city, the anticipation for snow, the water that tickles your feet as it seeps into your socks, the lightning outside your window.  She is the child silently waiting at the window for whatever the last passerby can only imagine.

She is the red as deep, dark, and bright as the leaves. The lingering smell of the rain on your mind.

Writing

When his conscience reawakened he was pressed against the wall at the end of a small hallway, shivering in the dark. His body ached with tiredness and mostly the need to break down.  Inside a fuzzed brain stimulants were sending fear, - but most predominantly adrenaline, coursing through his body. He was shaking, from his toes, in plain, black socks, up his thin legs in jeans that seemed too big on him, up to his waist, where a thin, faded belt was thrown over his pronounced hipbones. The shivers went on up his black turtleneck and through his tense muscles, through his sleepless brain.  His already pale face turned even more transparent and had morphed from a grimace to a speechless gape. Exhausted of resisting, he shut his dark eyes, diving into the adjacent room on his left and immediately curling into a ball and crying. His body convulsed not with sobs but with a sense of insensitivity, pain, and fear. He wanted to stop time. Go back.  

Someone tapped on his shoulder. “Get up. Matt, get up. What’s wrong?” he read traces of worry and concern in the voice – her voice, and a wave of warmth flooded through him momentarily as her familiarity presented itself to him. Or was it his brain remembering her? Did he not just- “Matt, come on. It’s okay. What’s wrong?”  She started crying and pulled him up against her shoulder. He didn’t dare open his eyes in case it wasn’t’ real. Inside he was dying to know that it was her and that they were safe.

 He picked up his broken spirit. The incompetency of his body to work to the efficiency of his mind took an invigorating toll on himself. It felt like he couldn’t handle his mind himself, and the events of the past dragged him down into despair.

Excited!!

It's OCTOBER!!!! Aren't you happy?!?!??!!

I love it when the months finally get into the two-digits. Then it's just happy seasons. First it's FALL, the best season ever, then WINTER, where there's Christmas and lights and excitement and Christmas music and oh this is my favorite time of the year. Fall is so pretty!!! And Winter is just so gorgeous it isn't even real. I love this time of year. My favorite. I mean, it's the middle of the school year but it's better than in Spring! And it's COLD, not Hot, so there's an excuse to wear whatever you want x) I love Fall weather. and it's the end of the year!! And soon it'll start raining....soon enough it'll be January and then there's a whole nother year to get through. But it's okay, because January through April are still generally wet :D and then it's the end of the school year, then summer, and that's just horrible. And then the cycle continues :D

So excited it's Autumn!!! Sorry!!!! I know it's been for a while but it's actually OCTOBER. Soon NOVEMBER and that's just the best month ever!! ;D

"Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings."

-Salvador Dali

How many brilliant lives are wasted? How many aren't used to their full potential?


“It is a grave injustice to a child or adult to insist that they stop crying. One can comfort a person who is crying which enables him to relax and makes further crying unnecessary; but to humiliate a crying child is to increase his pain, and augment his rigidity. We stop other people from crying because we cannot stand the sounds and movements of their bodies. It threatens our own rigidity. It induces similar feelings in ourselves which we dare not express and it evokes a resonance in our own bodies which we resist.” 

-Alexander Lowen

Oh yes.

Turning off

I feel I must turn off my feelings. It would be quite helpful now. You know all those extra emotions that don't make any sense and make you do things and feel thing's you'll look back on a think you were blind? Yeah, those. The ones holding you back? Those.

Is it dangerous? All it would be is like not admitting your feelings for someone. Sometimes it's not the best.



I know why....he has a little sister. He's going to be affectionate towards someone weaker than him, lesser than him, someone with less skill and is cute and like a puppy.

I could've been just that, but it wasn't his first impression. We're practically the same now and both of us know it, but I come across as stronger because of a leadership and senority position, although I am smaller, younger, still exactly like the weaker crazy fun person he would take to. Which he probably sees but I'm not sure why he isn't comfortable engaging in conversation on that level.

He gets on fine with my best friend, who came across to him as incompetent, crazy, and low-functioning as a first impression. I'm not sure that he sees our looks at all, I mean, if he did....
haha. Maybe he doesn't care. If he didn't care about body or looks or the way they carry themselves AT ALL he'd like my friend. But he doesn't, he can't, they're just closer. She still isn't what he's looking for.

Maybe someday in the next four years he'll admire my strong side and see the side of me that's like a little girl. Oh how your birth order can screw you up. But by then, he'll probably forever see me as a friend. Or think it's weird to ask. I tell myself, as long as he learns social skills, 'cause he's going to need them. Someday there'll be a lot of other girls that will like him and I hope he'll know how to deal with it. He's so oblivious when it comes to this it's somewhat dangerous.

Yeah, I am jealous of their closeness. I mean, they do spend all of rehearsal next to each other because of instrumentation and their places, and have adjacent lockers (mine's one away from his) but I'm not going to go crazy. I won't go into analyzing my friend either, it plays a big part but I won't.

Just turning it off now. I am free. I don't care.

“The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.”

-Horace Wallpole