Letter of Expression

I haven't read this since I wrote it on December Fourth, but I finally have the internet to post it. Mr. Scott is my band director of whom I deeply love and respect. I really don't want to read it in fear of the surge of emotion it will bring and the surprise at how audacious I probably was. But it's worth something.

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I think one of the worst feelings in all the world is the feeling you get when someone you deeply respect admire and/or love overlooks you. Similar to underestimating you but they just don’t see your talent, potential, time, effort, everything you’re putting in all the dedication and care. They just don’t see and maybe you’re better than them but nobody important sees it that way. So they keep overlooking you and it’s horrible because you admire them and respect them but they just don’t see you for who you really are. So then, you have to respect them less. You don’t want to, but you have to, just because they’re not seeing you for who you really are and it hurts so you place less value on them. It’s so sad. Even worse when you do so much but one of the people most important to you thinks you’re a bit of a problem and dislikes you. I think this is something I’m doomed to struggle with for the rest of my life with peers and teachers.

Namely right now, my band teacher and several upperclassmen peers. I just don’t think Mr. Scott likes me and I don’t know why. I’m ambitious….let’s see what would I tell him right now if I saw him? Mr. Scott, I think you understand I’m a terribly ambitious, determined, and driven person to my passions. I would not do something if I’m not going to give 110% to it so it is hard for me to respect people that give less than their best in anything, especially something I really love. I don’t think you know how much I do for the section. Or how much I put into marching band. I really do put my mental focus there and want to improve. Which is a lot more than you can expect from most people. You don’t know how much I beat myself up for making mistakes whether I show it or not. I believe that if you aren’t going to put in the effort to achieve perfection then you shouldn’t be there, period. I don’t think everybody puts in enough mental focus or care. I love so many people unconditionally and somewhat irrationally but it has not affected my own performance. I believe I am one of the most dedicated people you will ever meet and please do not take any of this as cockiness only confidence. I’m not confident in myself that I will be perfect but I know I will give more than my best and I can achieve excellence regardless of what it takes. I will not go into Max and who’s really our section leader and what happens during sectionals. But I want you to know that I have the dots of every low saxophone memorized with mine – because they couldn’t be counted on to remember theirs in the beginning so I made it a point to memorize theirs. It has helped. I hope that my spirit is contagious to them but it’s unlikely; they’re some of the most complacent people I’ve met. I hate complacent people. And people that don’t give their all really. Even if it’s just a thing like changing out of jeans it’s an honor system seriously. Some people do not need to give their best effort to achieve a higher level of performance than our band is performing at – which seriously isn’t hard but there is always room for improvement. Again, it is the worse feeling in the world when all your behind-the-scenes work is missed by the people you respect most. And more than anything this is a promise I want your trust and respect and I just don’t think you see me for what I really am. If I were giving grades to this group most people would have C’s. Mainly I can only speak for my section as I know them better than the others. And I cannot dislike them for all the time I spend with them but you have absolutely no idea how much I’ve worried about them for the past three months. Sometimes all the wrong people get the credit and recognition and sometimes good people do. Sometimes wrongs are pinned on the wrong people and favorites almost never go as they should. If it weren’t for some of my upperclassmen friends with whom I share a lot I think I would’ve died from worry and the frustration of always giving my best, covering for others (that is so huge…it really hurts when the person you’re covering for and the person you’re covering them from doesn’t notice), and every little behind the scenes detail gets overlooked. I told myself I would not let this bother me, because it’s not going to get me anywhere but sadder and I guess closer to the reality that things will never change and I am stuck in this position. It’s enough to make me cry. It has xD especially the subject of favorites and why…really a teacher cannot know us at all just by what they see of us; closest to being able to being English teachers. But you must know that I pour my heart and soul out into music and marching band and it means the world to me. It would mean the world to me if someone recognized it. By recognized it I mean saw it. Realized it. Kept it in mind. That’s all I’m asking for. Perhaps this came off as a super cocky letter. Please don’t think of it that way because it really isn’t. It’s more like a wounded cry, and wail of distress, frustration even, and the need to set things right. Feeling like you’re being underestimated and overlooked should not hinder anybody. At the same time I believe that it is appropriate to be very hard on those not giving their best until they do. Anything you do will be emotionally taxing if you put your heart into it and I know many people aren’t secure enough to even be themselves. But I believe that those who aren’t giving everything should either do so or quit for the good of everyone. Everyone is incompetent to some degree but there are levels of high achievement we can all achieve if we put enough into it – at different levels. I never understood how some musicians don’t have a sense of time – but I guess I took it for granted. Now that I learned a lot of my friends can’t keep time naturally it’s a strange thing, but see they try very hard not to let it show, and it doesn’t. I myself have many incompetencies, one of them being worrying too much. Way too much. Fixing people and things I can’t. And caring about certain teachers and certain upperclassmen’s opinions too much. But I do believe if I set my mind out to do something I can. Like all-state. Yes I’m very incompetent at violin, I am horrible. But I tried my absolute best and gave it more than I really had and I believe it paid off. Although I am I should not be ashamed of my audition because I gave it all I had. I just hope you aren’t disappointed in me. In the times when I am ahead perfection can always be achieved. Once that, practicing longer periods of mental focus are quite important. So everyone should be performing at a high level. And carrying themselves in a respectable manner. It’s hard to have respect for someone that can’t carry themselves appropriately. I don’t know if I should tolerate them at all. Sometimes leadership is misguided and very incompetent. Other times certain individuals will shine. I’m really sorry about my frustration but somebody had to tell you. Maybe I should go into Max. I can promise you on my life, honor, whatever, at least 70% of the time we played our show music or ran through stands tunes it was because I started it, either by playing and motioning for others to join in or formally starting it. Max was never quite that organized. And when he’s late we’d be in concert arcs playing. Once we had a joint-sectional with clarinets. I started the whole group playing while our two junior saxes played loud dissonant notes to try to throw us off. And honestly the days when he’s not there sectionals are a lot smoother. We never work on technique, marching or playing, clean up any areas, memorize things (on my life I have everything memorized better than him) or work on some much needed areas in marching. I believe we should have dot book checks and dot books should be able to be interpreted by another person if you told them how. That we should unify articulation and style and clean up marching technique. Know music front to back as well as common starting points within the song. That we should work on tone and breathing (which he did work with us on twice) and especially just marching. I think we should be able to call people out. It does hurt but it fixes the problem quickly. And high mark time and up four down four, those are very helpful. I believe cadences should come last and if we are going to rehearse them and take up sectional time with them it should be notated on paper and approved by Mr. Scott. Of course, this year has been the opposite of that, sadly. For the love of all things good this isn’t related to awards night. I don’t think favorites did come into play with that but please don’t play favorites; it hurts all the wrong people. You could even just say it hurts.

I will read this later and be surprised I’m sure. It’s okay. It’s how I honestly feel/felt/hope not to feel anymore. Please believe in me. Everyone needs that. I respect you more than you think…please. Thank you very very much. You really are one of the greatest influencing factors in my life whether you take that as a responsibility, compliment, or don’t even care…but sometimes I don’t know what to do with this and I feel like sharing information and communicating the truth is very important. I’m also sorry at how horrid I am at violin I really do try and sax even if it’s only been a year I’m trying…I promise.

I must start my homework now…it’s been 45 minutes. Thank you.