~something I recently read~
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Do I really
Do I really want to publish my I Am poem? Everyone that read it said it seemed super personal and they didn't know all those things about me.
Just for Fun
Check out zodiacsociety.com, pretty cool
I'm not saying to believe in this kind of thing. I honestly haven't done enough research in it (Zodiac, Chinese calendar, ect) myself to decide at all!! It's just fun sometimes.
I was reading through my sign, and it made me laugh and smile every time I read something that was true. Which is often.
I really need to start researching on this; it'd be so helpful!! >___< And I ought to just because...
I did giggle reading compatibility ratings with someone's I know signs. The communication, very low oh dear god x)
In case you were wondering, I am a Scorpio, you should read about that ;D
So I just went back on (I got to like page 5, wrote/published this, now I'm on 11)
How many times did you say
"Oh God YES."
hehehehehehehe
I'm not saying to believe in this kind of thing. I honestly haven't done enough research in it (Zodiac, Chinese calendar, ect) myself to decide at all!! It's just fun sometimes.
I was reading through my sign, and it made me laugh and smile every time I read something that was true. Which is often.
I really need to start researching on this; it'd be so helpful!! >___< And I ought to just because...
I did giggle reading compatibility ratings with someone's I know signs. The communication, very low oh dear god x)
In case you were wondering, I am a Scorpio, you should read about that ;D
So I just went back on (I got to like page 5, wrote/published this, now I'm on 11)
How many times did you say
"Oh God YES."
hehehehehehehe
Loving a smart, openminded person
So I was listening to some songs and thinking "Wow, I could never fall in love with an artist that writes love songs, I mean, it'd just be hard...." And then I thought
Is it harder to love a smart, openminded person, or not?
I think they make better people, but as love interests, they're well, not necessarily harder to please, they;re just honest with themselves. As for myself, I don't think it would make any difference; you don't have to be insecure at all if we were in a relationship. They'd possibly be smart enough to know how to keep a relationship together.
But being smart and not having the stability to handle it....is a tragedy. Intelligent and impaired people are sometimes the most dangerous.
Still, would you be scared to love someone that's very openminded? Yes, but what if they're secure in themselves (who they are) and smart enough to sort through all the ideas and always improve? I wouldn't be. Jealous? Possibly, depending on who you are. But this would probably mean that they're fairly popular. Could you deal with that?
You know what's hard to do? Find someone that looks up to you, even though both of you are on the same level. I think if you find someone like that and it's mutual it'll create an awesome relationship. I know for me I'm always the one looking up to the person who's the same (or even below) me and that would just be bad....who knows.
Is it harder to love a smart, openminded person, or not?
I think they make better people, but as love interests, they're well, not necessarily harder to please, they;re just honest with themselves. As for myself, I don't think it would make any difference; you don't have to be insecure at all if we were in a relationship. They'd possibly be smart enough to know how to keep a relationship together.
But being smart and not having the stability to handle it....is a tragedy. Intelligent and impaired people are sometimes the most dangerous.
Still, would you be scared to love someone that's very openminded? Yes, but what if they're secure in themselves (who they are) and smart enough to sort through all the ideas and always improve? I wouldn't be. Jealous? Possibly, depending on who you are. But this would probably mean that they're fairly popular. Could you deal with that?
You know what's hard to do? Find someone that looks up to you, even though both of you are on the same level. I think if you find someone like that and it's mutual it'll create an awesome relationship. I know for me I'm always the one looking up to the person who's the same (or even below) me and that would just be bad....who knows.
Parent/Sibling Analysis
How much of an impact can a parent *really* have on their child? And their siblings? And the order that they were born?
I might've mentioned before that reading the "First Born Advantage" (I don't remember the author) is very enlightening. It's an analysis of how the distance in age between your siblings and the order you were born in affects you.
How much potential does a parent have to determine how their child thinks, feels about the world, and acts in response to certain situations? How many of these would be good and how many are bad? It's kind of scary. Sometime you see such a wonderful child and then you see their parent and think "Oh dear why did you get such a pleasant child thank goodness he/she is alright!" but all the same you can see their affect.
At the moment I've been analyzing guys with little sisters, augh, they're probably the least likeliest to have any interest in me depending on how they see me, because I could be exactly what they're looking for because of the fact that they've lived with a little sister before but if say, I have to be in a higher leadership position than them or in a way, "be strong" in front of them it could turn them off. And when they have older brothers.....dear lord. That just turns bad, a lot of the times.
Sometimes I think the very thing that's stopping a wonderful relationship is one of the pair's siblings, or both, or their parents, and how they've been raised. And even if they're smart they might not have been brought up with a strong personality, but more of a passive one with/against their family, so they'll never break through. And the firstborn will but if he's smart he'll break through and make it seem like he hasn't so that the younger two don't break out of their parent's ideas of right and wrong.
I think a parent's duty is to raise a child that will make improvements and contribute to society. Nothing more, nothing less. It takes a lot to do that.
I might've mentioned before that reading the "First Born Advantage" (I don't remember the author) is very enlightening. It's an analysis of how the distance in age between your siblings and the order you were born in affects you.
How much potential does a parent have to determine how their child thinks, feels about the world, and acts in response to certain situations? How many of these would be good and how many are bad? It's kind of scary. Sometime you see such a wonderful child and then you see their parent and think "Oh dear why did you get such a pleasant child thank goodness he/she is alright!" but all the same you can see their affect.
At the moment I've been analyzing guys with little sisters, augh, they're probably the least likeliest to have any interest in me depending on how they see me, because I could be exactly what they're looking for because of the fact that they've lived with a little sister before but if say, I have to be in a higher leadership position than them or in a way, "be strong" in front of them it could turn them off. And when they have older brothers.....dear lord. That just turns bad, a lot of the times.
Sometimes I think the very thing that's stopping a wonderful relationship is one of the pair's siblings, or both, or their parents, and how they've been raised. And even if they're smart they might not have been brought up with a strong personality, but more of a passive one with/against their family, so they'll never break through. And the firstborn will but if he's smart he'll break through and make it seem like he hasn't so that the younger two don't break out of their parent's ideas of right and wrong.
I think a parent's duty is to raise a child that will make improvements and contribute to society. Nothing more, nothing less. It takes a lot to do that.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Standards (great stuff)
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't try my best in
elementary and get top grades or compliments and if all those teachers
and family members didn't say I was smart and everything. First off, I
wouldn't have a drive to give my all which is bad but I also wouldn't
have been wondering if I really was talented or not, if I had any gifts,
or if the only thing I could really do was academics. That's all I
thought I had on others back then, and it made me so insecure. Always
asking "Am I really talented?" I know I'm not now though x)
But see my parents still think I'm talented. What if I had gotten 2's on my report cards instead of 4's? B's in 6th grade instead of easy A's? They think I'm talented enough, but I'm not you see. Their standard is now like the stupid Asian stereotype - A's are okay A+ in all honors or Advanced Placement classes and there's not a single freaking reason why you shouldn't be in the top of your class.
They say they understand...they don't.
I wish their standard were like the school's. Which is admittedly really low. C's are average okay? C's are okay. What's wrong with having a goddamn C?! They don't think so. Augh. I can give up my dream to go to the MIT for a single B. I mean, I'll look back on it but I won't regret it. I won't let myself regret it.
Now they're stuck thinking A's are easily doable. It also means I f*cked this up for my little brother too. Except he's going into sports, as I went into music. But he's also doing music. I don't even know.
All the same my friend and I had to do a duet today, the same duet as everyone else in the class but we were the top players and we're the only ones that played for everyone, but I heard how bad everyone did....and they said we were amazing. Like really pretty. Even the two moms that were there congratulated us. And we did horrid, it wasn't even out best.
Standards...
But see my parents still think I'm talented. What if I had gotten 2's on my report cards instead of 4's? B's in 6th grade instead of easy A's? They think I'm talented enough, but I'm not you see. Their standard is now like the stupid Asian stereotype - A's are okay A+ in all honors or Advanced Placement classes and there's not a single freaking reason why you shouldn't be in the top of your class.
They say they understand...they don't.
I wish their standard were like the school's. Which is admittedly really low. C's are average okay? C's are okay. What's wrong with having a goddamn C?! They don't think so. Augh. I can give up my dream to go to the MIT for a single B. I mean, I'll look back on it but I won't regret it. I won't let myself regret it.
Now they're stuck thinking A's are easily doable. It also means I f*cked this up for my little brother too. Except he's going into sports, as I went into music. But he's also doing music. I don't even know.
All the same my friend and I had to do a duet today, the same duet as everyone else in the class but we were the top players and we're the only ones that played for everyone, but I heard how bad everyone did....and they said we were amazing. Like really pretty. Even the two moms that were there congratulated us. And we did horrid, it wasn't even out best.
Standards...
Good stuff
Funny, I remember being a little kid and whenever someone would say "Thank you" when others of us forgot, I'd feel bad for saying it after them because it made it seem like we didn't really mean it, we just forgot. It was horrible. Especially with my parents 'cause I never really knew when. Or when my brother said it before me.
So from then on I made it a point to always say it first. And so I do, and I don't ever forget now.
If we're like going in turns and it's just the person in front of me that starts saying thank you then oh well. A smile helps.
I wonder about those people, you know, who's eyes are sad? They're just really hurting you know? You can tell they're being so hurt and they're sad. It's not really their fault, and sometimes you can see why and sometimes it isn't obvious.
I wonder if you could see that if you looked into my eyes. My parents won't, they can't, because they don't think it's possible that I could be that sad. They would think my home life isn't that tragic at all compared to who they see. They don't know that though. For all they know I could be, but they won't see it.
Getting onto adrenaline was something I was thinking about before, and how I could get into it. I mean I was partially thinking of it because my mom said "Sometimes crying is good for your soul." Bitch please, it just releases endorphins which make you feel good. I can get on adrenaline from being around my friends, I used to, now it's kind of normal but I can be on adrenaline highs pretty easy, I mean, just seeing something I think is cool (but isn't at all like four people doing the exact same thing or having the same expression I don't even know) can make me excited or say just a hug. Now that nearly killed me last Friday.
But I feel like the only time I'm really happy is when I'm on adrenaline. Otherwise I'm in a bit of a stressed out mood. Or deliriously happy (I mean, I'm tired, so I'm running off excitement) <- when I'm at rehearsal for 3 hours at night after a long day but the excitement is just playing, it makes no sense.
So, because of that, you'd never tell if I really am sad because my body is emitting this energy. And what if you get sad and tired confused? I'm generally always the same level of tiredness but my eyes....I don't know what's in them. On another note, 80's and Queen is happy music.
Another thing. You look at people's faces and their eyes and they match how they act and their brain and who they are and ect, it just matches their essence and soul. I don't match.....at all. At least I don't think so. If you saw my face you'd think of something else. Then again there's nothing really like me at all. I have quite a unique childhood, okay, and I don't even know.
So I had a whole shpeel of good thoughts so I'm going to post it next.
So from then on I made it a point to always say it first. And so I do, and I don't ever forget now.
If we're like going in turns and it's just the person in front of me that starts saying thank you then oh well. A smile helps.
I wonder about those people, you know, who's eyes are sad? They're just really hurting you know? You can tell they're being so hurt and they're sad. It's not really their fault, and sometimes you can see why and sometimes it isn't obvious.
I wonder if you could see that if you looked into my eyes. My parents won't, they can't, because they don't think it's possible that I could be that sad. They would think my home life isn't that tragic at all compared to who they see. They don't know that though. For all they know I could be, but they won't see it.
Getting onto adrenaline was something I was thinking about before, and how I could get into it. I mean I was partially thinking of it because my mom said "Sometimes crying is good for your soul." Bitch please, it just releases endorphins which make you feel good. I can get on adrenaline from being around my friends, I used to, now it's kind of normal but I can be on adrenaline highs pretty easy, I mean, just seeing something I think is cool (but isn't at all like four people doing the exact same thing or having the same expression I don't even know) can make me excited or say just a hug. Now that nearly killed me last Friday.
But I feel like the only time I'm really happy is when I'm on adrenaline. Otherwise I'm in a bit of a stressed out mood. Or deliriously happy (I mean, I'm tired, so I'm running off excitement) <- when I'm at rehearsal for 3 hours at night after a long day but the excitement is just playing, it makes no sense.
So, because of that, you'd never tell if I really am sad because my body is emitting this energy. And what if you get sad and tired confused? I'm generally always the same level of tiredness but my eyes....I don't know what's in them. On another note, 80's and Queen is happy music.
Another thing. You look at people's faces and their eyes and they match how they act and their brain and who they are and ect, it just matches their essence and soul. I don't match.....at all. At least I don't think so. If you saw my face you'd think of something else. Then again there's nothing really like me at all. I have quite a unique childhood, okay, and I don't even know.
So I had a whole shpeel of good thoughts so I'm going to post it next.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
:P
So my friend has a boyfriend. And it is so unlike her because she was the last person I expected to hear this from when she said "I want a boyfriend" about a month ago. And now she has one, in secret from her parents.
I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I want to go out with this guy, yes, but I also want him to be competent enough under that pressure and I don't know with his mind.....he becomes closed under pressure, criticism, ect, or under stress/hard work I don't know what he's like. Is he socially stable enough that he could do it? And still notice me, still keep me in his mind? What if he's panicking the whole time because of people and protecting himself? This is my you shouldn't date anybody insecure. I don't know if he is or not. I just can't tell. Either way it's probably not going to happen anytime because he's not interested in girls, they're a distraction and distractions are bad.
I just need to know, do I want this, or do I not?
It's funny, at the end of last year all my teachers were like, really saying what they thought about me, and one of them who was so smart and wonderful and I wish I had him for more than 1 quarter said I was the girl who "knew what she wanted" and I think he meant it in a good way, but I didn't see it in myself. I mean, it sounded bad to begin with. Maybe he meant I would go for whatever I decided, being very decisive. But I don't know how he could've ever seen that or when, and I didn't always decide on what I wanted. Did he think I could plan long term? And not lose sight of it too often? Was I very defined as a person? I mean, I knew what I wanted to be and what I didn't. I like being a definitive person. At the same time I don't making decisions. You know what I mean? About myself as an individual and my beliefs ect I will define that, that is important. Where exactly you should put those cymbals so it's convenient I don't care, like I don't care where we go as long as there's food.
I need to know do I want this. Well I don't. I don't want to have extra feelings for him; I saw it coming though and it sucked. Just knowing "Oh hey, there's another guy my age I'm going to have to interact with this year! Oh, he's cool." And generally I'll avoid them, try to not get to know them. "Goddamnit, I'm going to have extra feelings for him aren't I?" Then they fascinate me too much and I get curious and have to get to know them. "Well, I might not have those feelings if I really get to know him." "Oh well that's not really a problem....it can be fixed.....at least he's like this....could be worse....well that's kinda bad but cute...." and it goes on. "Could he sustain a relationship? Is he worth knowing?" If the answer to the second is no I'll cut my ties to my feelings, the first is less important. Of course I'm not all that great at this, if I were I'd be concerned because that would mean I do it a lot. Which is bad. So I'll try to cut ties but it won't work and from there, anything could happen.
Could've seen it coming. So could all my other smart good friends. He, being oblivious as anything is so out of it.....maybe knows. It's so goddamn obvious if he didn't well then there's a problem. But that's a good thing maybe because it allows me to overreact.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this isn't a huge part of my life. A "love life"'s important but not too important; unfortunately it usually ends up being the dominant part of our lives, instead of other things....
even today i was thinking "oh that's so cool I should do that!" then "oh wait...yeah it won't happen. i'll be too tired or i'll be doing this or thinking or doing this." and they're all dumb. it's happened a lot lately. reality has been very real lately.
I don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I want to go out with this guy, yes, but I also want him to be competent enough under that pressure and I don't know with his mind.....he becomes closed under pressure, criticism, ect, or under stress/hard work I don't know what he's like. Is he socially stable enough that he could do it? And still notice me, still keep me in his mind? What if he's panicking the whole time because of people and protecting himself? This is my you shouldn't date anybody insecure. I don't know if he is or not. I just can't tell. Either way it's probably not going to happen anytime because he's not interested in girls, they're a distraction and distractions are bad.
I just need to know, do I want this, or do I not?
It's funny, at the end of last year all my teachers were like, really saying what they thought about me, and one of them who was so smart and wonderful and I wish I had him for more than 1 quarter said I was the girl who "knew what she wanted" and I think he meant it in a good way, but I didn't see it in myself. I mean, it sounded bad to begin with. Maybe he meant I would go for whatever I decided, being very decisive. But I don't know how he could've ever seen that or when, and I didn't always decide on what I wanted. Did he think I could plan long term? And not lose sight of it too often? Was I very defined as a person? I mean, I knew what I wanted to be and what I didn't. I like being a definitive person. At the same time I don't making decisions. You know what I mean? About myself as an individual and my beliefs ect I will define that, that is important. Where exactly you should put those cymbals so it's convenient I don't care, like I don't care where we go as long as there's food.
I need to know do I want this. Well I don't. I don't want to have extra feelings for him; I saw it coming though and it sucked. Just knowing "Oh hey, there's another guy my age I'm going to have to interact with this year! Oh, he's cool." And generally I'll avoid them, try to not get to know them. "Goddamnit, I'm going to have extra feelings for him aren't I?" Then they fascinate me too much and I get curious and have to get to know them. "Well, I might not have those feelings if I really get to know him." "Oh well that's not really a problem....it can be fixed.....at least he's like this....could be worse....well that's kinda bad but cute...." and it goes on. "Could he sustain a relationship? Is he worth knowing?" If the answer to the second is no I'll cut my ties to my feelings, the first is less important. Of course I'm not all that great at this, if I were I'd be concerned because that would mean I do it a lot. Which is bad. So I'll try to cut ties but it won't work and from there, anything could happen.
Could've seen it coming. So could all my other smart good friends. He, being oblivious as anything is so out of it.....maybe knows. It's so goddamn obvious if he didn't well then there's a problem. But that's a good thing maybe because it allows me to overreact.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this isn't a huge part of my life. A "love life"'s important but not too important; unfortunately it usually ends up being the dominant part of our lives, instead of other things....
even today i was thinking "oh that's so cool I should do that!" then "oh wait...yeah it won't happen. i'll be too tired or i'll be doing this or thinking or doing this." and they're all dumb. it's happened a lot lately. reality has been very real lately.
Well
I need to learn to gauge how people work socially. It's like their social skills are lacking but because they get so much practice from their tight little circle of safety they're alright if they want to venture out. And they have strange ways of protecting themselves. Augh this shouldn't fascinate me this much!!
You know, there's only two reasons why I've ever cried.
Because of Myself: I made myself feel incompetent or stupid or whatever and really got myself down. And couldn't control myself because of stage fright, ect. Well I didn't make myself, I just wasn't capable enough in that sense. I mean, I still am incompetent it just seemed really big at the time.
Because of my parents: Hurt/disappointment/mostly hurt.
Kind of sad, isn't it?
I know this year I have changed, compared to two years ago and a little compared to last year. At the end of last year I was just starting to become this....but it's so different to everything I ever was before. I mean I do try to make myself better and better but it's like just growing up and learning and now you react differently, duh......but it doesn't feel different at all. Even though it so is. But it's wonderful. You know? You don't realize you're on a journey until you look back and then....well, yeah.
You know, there's only two reasons why I've ever cried.
Because of Myself: I made myself feel incompetent or stupid or whatever and really got myself down. And couldn't control myself because of stage fright, ect. Well I didn't make myself, I just wasn't capable enough in that sense. I mean, I still am incompetent it just seemed really big at the time.
Because of my parents: Hurt/disappointment/mostly hurt.
Kind of sad, isn't it?
I know this year I have changed, compared to two years ago and a little compared to last year. At the end of last year I was just starting to become this....but it's so different to everything I ever was before. I mean I do try to make myself better and better but it's like just growing up and learning and now you react differently, duh......but it doesn't feel different at all. Even though it so is. But it's wonderful. You know? You don't realize you're on a journey until you look back and then....well, yeah.
Well well
My friend, who is in a relationship and wonderful but so underestimated, and my other friend who is quite dear to me were talking about how this guy got his girl a bouquet and they were just joking saying it was probably like their first month, and how that was pathetic. Well, the guy in the relationship said that. Then my other friend was like "Well....for high school, that's a big deal." and they all agreed or whatever. I wanted to tell him it wasn't. I mean, what people do you hang out with? Yeah it is a lot of the time but often times it's also not uncommon. Sheesh. It made me think that he probably things dating is overrated in high school or he doesn't want to have one 'cause he's afraid and thinks it could go wrong. :/ eh. He was never really interested in girls anyways, seemingly asexual and so oblivious to everything. I still love him though.
Is it true? A month isn't that big of a deal. He should seriously start, um, noticing things.
OH. So my friend told me today you never say anything hurtful to your mother because she can "f*ck up your life"....which I guess it's true sadly. Yesterday I just wrote a letter with the truth about a lot of things and I'll be honest, if I were a mother and read it I would cry. And I meant every single word, even now, it's really horrible though. Maybe I wouldn't say it now though, I was debating whether or not to last night 'cause it could've changed everything. I wish it did, as unstable and bad as it could go. I didn't say everything. We should go into that later. I know as a teen my mentality and view is not the same as it will be as when I look back on this in 20 years, but I want to keep these things true. She doesn't realize I don't do this or feel this only in mood swings or when I'm angry but it's consistent and I can support it. And will continue to.
Is it true? A month isn't that big of a deal. He should seriously start, um, noticing things.
OH. So my friend told me today you never say anything hurtful to your mother because she can "f*ck up your life"....which I guess it's true sadly. Yesterday I just wrote a letter with the truth about a lot of things and I'll be honest, if I were a mother and read it I would cry. And I meant every single word, even now, it's really horrible though. Maybe I wouldn't say it now though, I was debating whether or not to last night 'cause it could've changed everything. I wish it did, as unstable and bad as it could go. I didn't say everything. We should go into that later. I know as a teen my mentality and view is not the same as it will be as when I look back on this in 20 years, but I want to keep these things true. She doesn't realize I don't do this or feel this only in mood swings or when I'm angry but it's consistent and I can support it. And will continue to.
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