Frustrations and Wonderfulness

A lot of people are sick. And it's summer! It's slightly frustrating, I know it's not their fault; nobody tries to get sick, but their weak immune system just augh. Or maybe not necessarily weak just not strong. It's nice to have a strong one but I just feel horrible when my friends get sick, and every time they do it's bad! I'd trade the virus because I could get rid of it....and I don't want them to suffer xD

I realized, the biggest irk ever isn't always incompetency. That's the biggest irk with yourself, but with others it's effort. I understand if you weren't born to march (I'm not referencing our downsized Marching Band practice since people were missing) but at least try.

There's a guy, in 8th grade, who we let march with us since we accept 8th graders. Thing is he doesn't work on technique, memorization, music, or drill. Which is fine because a lot of us don't (well, we don't need to) but he has to try harder, being younger. And he just complains about practice all the time and doesn't even try....just complain and make fun of people and it's quite depressing.

On either side of me during the duration of the show are these other two boys, and they're both kind of absentminded, but they're decent at things. Just decent. However when it comes to finding their places in drill (positions for the show) they are horrible. We'll go from one place to another 3 times and every time they'll end up in a different place. I am suppose to "dress the form" to them but I can't because they're just horrible. Chase at least follows me, Andrew doesn't even try, he's not giving 100% and it's the worse.

Well I did horrible on a maths test for the first time. Algebra isn't my thing....oh well. :(

Those things kind of threw me off, but it's nice to know now I have a personal connection with those people I respect so much. We just love each other and I don't know why. It's a wonderful feeling. It means so much that I can connect with them....sometimes it seems it's just a joking or normal relationship but in the end we all mean something.

You know?

Follow up

“I don’t really mind what their sex is, it is what I care less about. I can like a man as much as I can like a woman. The pleasure isn’t in fucking. It’s like drugs. I’m not attracted by a nice arse, a good pair of tits or a cock this big; well… it isn’t that they don’t attract me, I love them! But they don’t seduce me. Minds seduce me, intelligence seduces me, a face and a body seduce me when I see that there’s a mind that moves them and is worth knowing. Knowing, owning, dominating, admirating. Mind, H, I make love with the minds. We have to fuck the minds.”

Isn't that genius? It isn't falling for someone's looks....or charm. The second's much easier. But you see, there's a sequence of shallowness I kinda sense. I'm not sure if it's developed or not. Soon, it will be.

7. Looks

6. Body
5. Charm
4. Humor
3. They give you what you want/need

2. Personality

1. Brain

Most people would go for the higher numbers, when we should really be looking for the lower ones. I think it shows something about us, who we fall for. What exactly is broad.

I won't go into this in relation to me, because you probably think I've been talking about myself too much....in truth it's how I develop these, by relating them to myself before going outwards and expanding there. Well they're not all directly related to me but those are my examples I use.

But this is a good subject to just leave to rest and for you to think long and hard about.....

Random Dissection

After-practice showers are the best, hands down.

It was horribly hot today, and half of us were gone, most of us didn't feel good, and my friend hot heat exhaustion and threw up. It was just a terribly hot day! Two hours in the sun didn't help either. I don't know if we were all tired, or the light was just sucking the energy from us, or both.

Water is awesome.

Either way, I was thinking about why there's so much tension in the upperclassmen I know. Why is it there? I don't even understand it completely because I haven't been with them most of their lives, I can only tell a little bit. And here I am sometimes in awkward positions because I love them all and are friends with both sides and it's just awkward sometimes when they're fighting and you were just laughing with one of them.

I suppose it's partial competition right? Oh, you're not better than me, I suppose, or they just don't approve of the way the other is like....or think the other is a dick, most usually. Why?

Then again I guess I have the same kind of things with my classmates. Well I don't, but it's more relevant to me on that level. I just respect them all for senority and because they're all great people. Like my mom asked me today about a girl and I answered, "Well some people hate her some people love her, I can see both sides so...."

It's good to be in the middle, in this case.

I think this is the only case really where I'd rather be in the middle.

It doesn't give me a lot of support 'cause there's nobody that can really relate to me in this particular major things and strength is good, so that's why it's the only one.

Oh how much easier it is to do things when you have support!



On another note! Found two awesome writings.

"I have a crush on your mind, I fell for your personality, and your looks are just a big bonus."

it reminds me of this which I found on tumblr. If you know Sherlock....BBC's TV series based on the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle you know it's so genius and awakening and awesome and just the best ever.It was written in the point of view of Moriarty.

“I don’t really mind what their sex is, it is what I care less about. I can like a man as much as I can like a woman. The pleasure isn’t in fucking. It’s like drugs. I’m not attracted by a nice arse, a good pair of tits or a cock this big; well… it isn’t that they don’t attract me, I love them! But they don’t seduce me. Minds seduce me, intelligence seduces me, a face and a body seduce me when I see that there’s a mind that moves them and is worth knowing. Knowing, owning, dominating, admirating. Mind, H, I make love with the minds. We have to fuck the minds.”

Isn't that just awesome? I shall make a continuation post :)

Just think about it....

School and Shiz

It's getting harder and harder to write intellectually as the school year is now under way for me, funny right? I don't know what's my problem, but this year I'm just so confused. Even after 11 hours of sleep (I can crash like that on a bad day).

Do our brains really atrophy that fast? How do we stop it....keep using them, right? What I don't understand is sleep. No matter how much we get we always want more; I know you can sleep past that point where it doesn't do you any good and you just exhaust yourself, but you can feel rejuvenated then just plain dead. Why?

I was excited for Robotics Club today! And I have to say it was a pretty good day, 'cause I'm not going to let stupid things bother me. I had a fun conversation with Max, Greg, another one of our friends, and Arthur, and because it was with Max and Arthur, two people who have troubled me recently it was good.

I feel like we have to gauge our relationships with everybody. Seeing who we need to put more time into, who less time, who to tell what, how to treat certain people and how our relationship is at the moment. Because in truth, a relationship of any kind takes a lot of effort, sometimes we are just too tired....and take things for granted. Or could improve but don't!

But again today they troubled me. I walk into the junior-senior band class because I forget something and this random girl I don't even know the name of asks me if I like Daniel, Arthur's brother. Honestly I'm not ready to talk about it, yes I admit that is my one point I'm not solid on *as quickly*. So I told her "Uhhhh....I can't say...." and she practically yells "IS THAT A YES!?" and then I go over to my locker and Arthur asks me "Why are you doing robotics.....?" well he knows Daniel and I were talking about it and since I was pretty worried I kept a damn straight face and said "'cause I've wanted to....since like last year....why?" and he's like "Oh. Okay good. Good." and won't say why....I'm so worried about who would've tipped them off. After school Hammy's like "Oh Celine we were talking about you in band.....in a good way...." and Max was giving me his scowl that I know means he was thinking about me and he wasn't happy about it, or he was trying to figure something out.

I tried justifying all this. Arthur asked because he thought I might fancy Daniel, but he doesn't for sure now. After all, he was going to talk to that creep for me and we became cool in robotics. Max was just scowling because he's Max, and that girl, well maybe she asked because he likes me. There's only two reasons. Either they think he likes me or they think I like him; the first wouldn't make sense with Arthur but I tried to reason that Arthur has been cleared. I just can't get that out of my head. And Hammy's would fit in with either.

This worries me too much and I told myself to just let go and not care, and just be cool, because otherwise I'll kill myself over it, which I don't need. I just don't want people to respect me any less for it, easiest example being Max, or possibly Daniel himself. I trust people too much and see them as better sometimes, which I shouldn't.....but Jessi knows, and she'd never say, Katie does and she would hint, Sohnjay wouldn't...maybe hint less than Katie. By hint I mean accidentally without meaning to it's just their nature. Anna and Heidi would never but maybe someone overheard us. Or they're concerned about Daniel, not me, which I hope is true (haha, not, why would Arthur ask then? I'm doing robotics because Daniel asked me? and Daniel would never. haha)

See how I'm overthinking this? So it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Tomorrow I'll try to be cool with Max, and Arthur, and Daniel if he's there, talk to that girl if I see her, if I don't oh well, never mention it 'cause I bet nobody else will, and if they do.....oh well.

So this is my approach so I don't stress out. I always do, and maybe it's my fault for being so concerned and trusting but......I don't know. Is it resignation to be falling away from concern? Because it seriously damages me and does me no good, this goddamn worrying. aaaaaaaaand I got distracted, it probably took me 2-3 hours to write this. Do. Not. Overthink. But we should all have our own ways for compensating right? It does nobody any good to be sad, or worried. Just stay on top....as long as you can, there's no need to. Yeah, if you screw up maybe then....but do you want to? Just get back up again....ha. Oh well.

I'm trying to use my brain, after speaking about emotion then using some intellect to reflect on it.


So in robotics I couldn't have been more confused watching Arthur program something using "Arduino" to program this mini motherboard.....but he promised he would teach me next week!! :D I can't wait! Engineering is so my thing, we watched this awesome video on it (well, the design process) of this awesome group and I'd love to do what they did but with Architecture (the group was IDEO from Palo Alto, CA). Which is why I plan to major in Civil Engineering and Architecture, but I still have some time....

In robotics there's only four freshmen, three are me and these other two guys I know and there's only two girls, me and this girl who's in orchestra with me. She said everyone in the club either wore glasses or had a bad skin complex which isn't true, but I laughed anyways.

I can tell the people who do stuff are all like-minded, which makes sense, but everyone seems to just fit. Not too much clashing that I could see, yet. A type of independent and self-sufficient encouraging family so that you can work together for the best for everybody.

The other club, which does Mock-Trials and Debate has majority of a certain race......like 95% but I won't say who, I just wonder why. I don't think most lawyers are from that background but one of the girls wants to me. There's also a handful of band kids in that class....I don't know why.

And so, here goes my night of not thinking.





I'm so sorry today wasn't so much intellectual, I mean you can really tell I didn't have to think so much. I've just had a lot on my brain and was hoping to make sense of it, see, this is how I am in the school year isn't it horrible? No need for a brain but this year I do!! So I have to change that. I'm so sorry, I promise I'll get over this soon and start posting relevant things. I apologize deeply.


By now, I hope you haven't judged me by my age or country either, for that matter. 


:) Until later...

Horrible

I suppose you could call today a horrible day. Besides that horny creeper that's augh just there and should creep on someone else, there's another somewhat creepy guy who just....ew. Augh. He's my friend but shouldn't come onto me like that especially has a girlfriend. And it's gross and some of my other potential friends might see that as a deterrent.

And Daniel transferred out of my PE class. We were always partners for everything! D: We had actually gotten a good deal closer as friends, I was so happy.....and now he's in the other class. Because they're trying to balance out the classes and since his friend was added in the other day they chose someone random to fill it out. Why him....I don't know anyone in that class, which isn't most of it, it's just that I'll miss him. We both worked pretty hard to forge a relationship, being two quiet people around strangers and it was just awesome! I'll miss that....and when Marching Band's over if we never talk I'll cry. I'd seriously call us friends now, as tight as him and his old guy friends, and I think we had a chance....

Speaking of which, I'm learning more about my new male classmates from Diablo View. Nate continues to confuse me as sometimes he's too observant of me and other times I'm not there. But they're all sweet people.

And since I mentioned crying......

I swear I teared up, a tear may or may not have fell.....

My friend Max, a guy I respect more than anyone else in the band arguably, this guy that I love and respect and hold in a high place in my head, also my section leader, has been having that debate of who will be "minion", or section leader after him. And as much as it bothered me I let it go, because I told myself I respected him to the point where if it's his decision I'll do more than live with it. And Daniel isn't so bad, all the same I'd still probably tear up.

During lunch for the longest time he was comparing me to Daniel and Nate.....okay they're like freaking gods at sax and Daniel's good at everything, and Nate's just awesome and chill and it was just horrible. He was comparing them to me! I realized they hit him not quite like I had and oh, I kept from crying by laughing and squinting my eyes enough so that you couldn't tell. Great method. It was so horrible, seeing this person you admire so much tell you that you're not good enough, and that those two are better than you in every way possible and just praising them for every goddamn thing they do, and you're there feeling like an underappreciated piece of shit who should just die.

I swear, that was the worse feeling in the world. Especially coming from him. Max. Anybody else I could've gotten over much easier. But it's Max. Max. I swear I died on the inside. And as soon as he left....leaving this big stab in me, I just started tearing up, I couldn't hold it. Even Mr. Scott gave me a funny look. I got over it enough to participate in class but I was still thinking of it.

I wish I could say that's all exaggeration but I can't :/ I don't think I've ever felt worse.

Post-Event

My friend said this to me today when I asked her if I should forget this guy, who, well. He has a girlfriend but was really hitting on me and flirting, it started with teasing then he was saying he'd like to pull me closer to him then it got dirtier into sexual references and deeper to the point where over text he told me multiple times he was so turned on just thinking of....stuff and he had an orgasm and then he described this very vigorous busy sex he was thinking about.

I don't think I've ever been more grossed out, creeped out, or scared in my life.

He said later that "that's his third life, the first two are normal and proffesional" but he's the type who knows he can use his charm to get away with things but isn't really slimy. He's a cool kid, I thought.....

Being me I can't say "back off" or anything. For someone with such a strong personality sometimes I'm the opposite. My friend offered to pretend to be my bf if he's there so I could use that to block him but he doesnt think much of relationships, seeing his previous record of them.

So my friend said...."Forget? Yes. Forget. But dont forget that you hate him. Or that you are scared of him or creeped out. You can forget why. But dont forget that you do."

I'm so grateful for her and how she puts up with me, we often disagree and sometimes can't stand listening to each other but I still love her, she's wonderful and protective like we all are and she wanted to kill him. Which would be my reaction in her place too.

Sometimes people are just too nice.....

!

I am horrible at not leading people on! Okay not just that but also at not playing games....i just love games. But I know I shouldn't, because it will never end well.....some things are just so wrong. Augh.

Why....

I hate being stuck with how to respond when someone is being unfaithful to their girlfriend on me, seeing as it doesn't strike me as rare anymore....it's just horrible.

Games

Do you play along with people's games or not?




When it's harmless and they have nothing on you, why not, right? It's fun....you don't even really know it's a game FOR SURE (but yeah who are we kidding).



But even if it isn't like that, would you?




:D

Blast from the Past

Wow....so I found something I wrote months ago....4 to be exact. So long ago it feels, 'cause so much as happened.

"It's amazing, we all have our own network of people kept apart....a social life interwined so delicately, and the catastrophe that has the potential to erupt..."

I still find it true, and I can remember the circumstances I was in to make myself express that or think of it, at the moment I wouldn't be able to relate as much but I can remember.....thank goodness for both.

And well I wrote this back then too but it'll always be true.

"When a smile is worth a thousand moments....."

I wish I had a picture of every one of my friends smiling. Not like a planned picture just when they don't know it....impossible though. I think I've said some people's smiles are the best, but really it's just their spirit and seeing them happy.

I suppose back then I was referencing "a thousand moments with them" or "a thousand moments lost (or that you'll never be able to spend with them, remembering some things) but their smile is worth it...."

Luckily I'm not getting over-nostalgic 'cause I'm over that stuff......it's good to be able to let things go. Haha.

Cool kids

Daniel, aka Mr. Amazingly talented at everything imaginable is actually quite cool....just a pretty chill nice guy. Other than the oblivious spells. It's awesome when one of you starts playing a song and the others just join in....and it's just sick!! He plays a song by DeadMau with Chase, our bari and they're just so awesome for it.....somewhat annoying with Max and Burmeister, another tenor and bari, but they're awesome.......so annoying but I love them 'cause it's awesome!!

I found my favorite thing in the world - well not really, but just something that will never cease to make me smile, warm my heart, and be loved by me. Watching some of my favorite boys play in Jazz Band....oh. And Daniel's "seductive" solo. Our teacher told him to play it more seductively but I'll tell you he's the last thing you think of when you hear seductive....well not really, I would just never associate him and that together and I straight out laughed.