Lies

I dislike how when someone believes a lie you automatically have to lower your respect for them even if you don't want to. Say, I really do like my friend's dad, he used to terrify me but now I like him, and now he thinks I like his son when I don't, and he told his son that. I wish I could like him when his son and I are going to be working closely together for a while and at his house but I just....can't....I don't want to. I'm mad and I don't know why.

Isn't that horrid xD

terrified

You know when you're absolutely terrified of a situation and can't rationalize all of it away? It's horrible, being backed up into a corner....

The worse things are the things dependent on someone else's mind...

"The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him but because he loves what is behind him."

-J. K. Rowling (Harry Potter Series)

:/

Sometimes you just have to let things go.....

When the other person used to be the one to start conversations and chased you, otherwise you never would ever talk to them first, and now you don't talk at all, who's fault is it?

Questions..

When you can't change your past but don't know what to do with your present then what?

You can't move on to your future without settling your present and past.

Books

Just spent a good half hour bawling my eyes out :) Just because of a book....and I've read it five times and can often recite the words in my head....I've never cried this much over a book....the last 200 pages is sobbing. Not the kind of crying I did at my last Marching Band Competition this season because my beloved seniors would never be there in uniform with me again....it was different.

I've been trying to figure out what kind of crying it was.

So crying isn't a bad thing and there's many different kinds. Like the kind when you're going to miss someone when they graduate, and the kind when you find someone's fallen out of love for you or it isn't reciprocated to the same degree (and this of course has many forms, including being judged/misjudged - your general respect for them isn't reciprocated), and the hopeless I-should-die kind when you look at someone and think "goddamn-they-do-everything-i-do-10000000x-better-and-i-am-really-useless"? This is the "holy this is so sad how"

The book is about the deportation in Lithuania, and only after reading it now do I recognize the true importance of every character and their beauty...they're minor characters but oh so important...literally...but just...it's so sad.

Between Shades of Grey
by
Ruta Sepetys

Hey

I haven't talked in a while. I'm overwhelmed with the amounts of extracurriculars I chose to take on at this grade. I'm not a Josh. Josh is the most amazing person alive, first chair clarinet for the Oakland Symphony, speaks seven languages, incredibly intelligent and nice...those people that you see and think, "Damn, I should just die. Look at me. What am I doing with my life?! He's a freaking god!"

Then remember, to someone else, you're that person. And for him, there's someone that's the person.

time

My life is seriously disproportionate. I usually spend 5-7 hours on extra curriculars, 30 minutes MAXIMUM on homework, five hours asleep, one hour with family, four-five maybe even six or so texting while doing stuff and an hour on electronics. How sad. and six at school.

Wow

Missed

I can't decide if a three week holiday is good or bad for you. I missed people yes, I also enjoyed forgetting many individual's existences.

We had to do a prompt in English on the best gift we gave or received. I believe the greatest present is presence, so I can't wait to write about getting to see my best friend for the first time in a while!

Bored!

Why is it that when I'm bored I don't do anything?! I have tons to do - practice. But I want to do something that has a final tangible product...create something that isn't a long term or work in progress.

How frustrating.

I think i should clear up this blog :) Really. It'd probably help.

Remember how i posted life is good? Here comes a post to make you think I was sarcastic xD

Life is good.

Relax.

Fear

Ever have a question you're just too afraid to ask?

We don't need to go into why. There are so many.

Why are we so afraid of the uncertain and the unusual, change and surprise?

Possible?

I never wanted to ever touch on this controversial subject but....

Okay. There are obviously many different types and forms of love. To name a few, a mother's love, a father's love (yes, obviously stereotyping to a degree), sibling love, the kind of love you have when you're little with a relative that's nice but you just don't have the attention to care for, the type of carefree love young best friends have, the type of appreciative love that best friends who are older have, the list does on and on and on. I have no idea what kind of love holds a marriage together. Actually, the many types of love in a marriage. Nor do I care to yet; I see them yet they slide over my eyes because I don't need to know yet. I know there are many different types of love even in a dating relationship.

But please, someone explain to me,

What is the sort of unconditional love where you irrationally overlook the other's flaws, ignore what would widepsreadly be considered underserved for them and doing it, not letting go when you know you should, and really having a very talented and able relationship with many aspects of affection and hardly any of malice, a relationship deeper than it should seem and one that holds up the existence of both partners, to a degree? I believe this is very possible. It's just unconditional love. Nobody deserves it but it's given. Oh, and in the context of with someone that isn't a family member. Sex ratios I don't even want to bring that in.


And then again, everything I analyze is compromised with my own hindering feelings of hurt and affection, so on and so forth. I hate being incapable and not being able to do anything about it. Not without changing too many things. And I know help comes to those who help themselves but what if it's okay....everything's okay.....



Is my writing tone different. I feel like it is....I know why. But is it?

Fandom

Do any of you belong to a fandom, and if yes, then which one? I can't believe "fandom was spellchecked"!! I personally could never be a hardcore or major fan of anything that wasn't alive. Why I'm not sure, I just find that I certainly obsess over things, but not subjects...ideas yes, but it's just...like....I love HP (Harry Potter), but it's a book series!! It's amazing but there are better books, and it's a huge fandom, but just why?! And I love Sherlock so much, and Firefly, but not a major hardcore fan that writes fanfics, draws, keeps it in mind every day, has a tumblr I use or anything. I know it makes me look like one of those people that have something of their interest but when asked about it, don't really know what it's about. Like one of those people that are practically useless to a group and don't give even 70% and talk about it like they own it.

Happy New Year

Can we just pass over the fact in the change of year and ignore it...time is a man made thing and it really doesn't exist or matter and nothing new is created, nothing changed by the second it goes from one year to another. (I feel like I should've used " somewhere there at the end but I wasn't sure how to annotate it appropriately)

:) Admiration and Hate

December 29, 2012 10:43 PM

Okay. I am writing because I have a serious problem. Is it okay just to dislike someone? Hate them even? Of course, passively (actively hating someone would need very good reason and worth) but still. Is it okay to dislike people?

I’m such a stupid good-for-nothing incompetent hideous girl. What am I doing with my life?! I have a direction I know what I want to do but I can’t! I’m so stupid! I’m freaking asking if it’s *okay* to dislike someone. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! Most people dislike someone without a second thought!!! Stupid me and my having to explain everything!! Why!! Of course it’s okay!!! No!!! Is it???? How!!! Why would you take the energy to *avoid* someone? Because they do no good for you. But they can’t just be there? No, they’re useless and if anything bring you down. Okay. Okay. So it’s okay to “avoid” people as long as it doesn’t take up too much effort because then that’s just stupid NEVER waste your time investment energy effort ect on the wrong people if you can help it! (also known as my biggest fucking downfall)

Okay. But do I have to *explain* why I dislike a person? DUH of course you son of a gun ack just die. But if I can…then it’s okay?

Okay my question really is, are there just some bad people out there in the world?

Let’s go through this. Yes, I maintain the belief that everyone has some good in them even if take a lot of digging left to bring up but it’s something you don’t lose. Wait – does that contradict my belief…that…some people are just naturally born nasty, mean, ect. I never believed that we were all connected by some form of good; I believe if it ever existed it would’ve been lost through the generations. But we all have *some* love in us right, even if it’s misguided? Damnit I should know this fucking incompetent! Okay, it doesn’t contradict. Yay.

However….if this said “good” is “lost” then…is that what creates “bad people”? (“bad people” going by my definition of a lack of usefulness overall) Now, how is it “lost”? Experiences change lives drastically. That and psychological problems. But can it just be negligence? Ignorance of character? Could a fourteen year old be such a horrible person without experiencing anything all that important (yet) in their life?

Yeah….has to be. So, an ignorance of character is fatal. Of course it is it has to be. Augh. So it’s okay! A fourteen year old is perfectly capable of hatable vileness. Yess. I can hate people!

Ah…so now do I have to explain myself? I hate dwelling on them. I with I could draw the conclusion that I loathe everyone that laughs at me. Or that it’s perfectly reasonable to dislike those that laugh at you. With you, playfully, when you make a mistake, that’s cool. When you’re below them in experience and such in a certain field or overall, not so much, unless they’re affectionate and aim to help you. Ah. Okay. I’m drawing this conclusion. Even if they don’t open laugh at you, just in general those close-minded bastards and sons-of-bitches can go

10:54 PM

 

Use

So....I wrote this earlier because I honestly wondered!

Could you ever use someone? Have them tell you everything you want tot hear becauase they mean it while you spend your time [effort, investment] trying to get someone else to tell you those things [and mean them towards you]? What happens when you succeed, to you and the person that you used?

I just wonder how!! Subconsciously hurting someone and not meaning to is one thing. But it's still wrong if you know you're going to hurt them but you don't want to but you know it's going to happen and you keep going with whatever it is you're doing. It's just...no...nobody deserves that. Somebody wants that person while you're just toying with them and sometimes that person feels bad because they can't go with someone they deserve because you have their heart.


((written yesterday))

She realized she had invested too much into someone....

too much to lose and enough to break her. And she was crumbling.

Well

You know what I realized? Junior year is going to suck for me. I will have no close friends but one then, because they're all graduating. I don't have a circle, never did have a permanent one for over a year and usually not over a few months, I just don't click with anyone from my middle or elementary school. Yeah it's sad. But now I have a circle, a good circle...the most wonderful perfect people ever...and they're leaving me. And I don't like any of the other freshmen!

Sorry for being prideful I don't mean that wow that's mean of me.

I just, you know, don't click with them! I've tried!! It isn't working!

I'm going to be so alone xD this is like the best year for me ever and the lowest for everyone 'cause well, it's freshman year! But I don't know, I can't find a parallel with me and anyone else's life I know, the closest being someone who lost some of her best friends when they graduated but she still has many in her grade.

Well I realized this a while ago, I just vocalized it to that friend I referenced twice today and her usual insults resulted; she is such a negative person :(

More posts!

Perhaps you're wondering why I'm posting so much during Christmas. I don't know, honestly, it's just break and I know I'm not gonna be hanging out with any friends or anything like a no-life xD

The friend I referenced earlier who I asked about the group of friends and their pride; she's invited to two parties...but she doesn't know either person well and honestly the relationship's kinda abusive. And I don't know why people throw parties so often with so many people and just get together for no purpose don't get me wrong it's cool but just too many people and having no point's fun when you're all chummy but if not it's just ack...I don't get people....why do you need OH that's why you aren't independent yourself other people are your life....seriously....

Well I hope she has fun. Am I offended? No. Hurt? I don't think so, no, not at all xD. After all I am getting together with friends this Thursday and a closer group later :) I am fine...

Well, let me elaborate in the next post.