:) Admiration and Hate

December 29, 2012 10:43 PM

Okay. I am writing because I have a serious problem. Is it okay just to dislike someone? Hate them even? Of course, passively (actively hating someone would need very good reason and worth) but still. Is it okay to dislike people?

I’m such a stupid good-for-nothing incompetent hideous girl. What am I doing with my life?! I have a direction I know what I want to do but I can’t! I’m so stupid! I’m freaking asking if it’s *okay* to dislike someone. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! Most people dislike someone without a second thought!!! Stupid me and my having to explain everything!! Why!! Of course it’s okay!!! No!!! Is it???? How!!! Why would you take the energy to *avoid* someone? Because they do no good for you. But they can’t just be there? No, they’re useless and if anything bring you down. Okay. Okay. So it’s okay to “avoid” people as long as it doesn’t take up too much effort because then that’s just stupid NEVER waste your time investment energy effort ect on the wrong people if you can help it! (also known as my biggest fucking downfall)

Okay. But do I have to *explain* why I dislike a person? DUH of course you son of a gun ack just die. But if I can…then it’s okay?

Okay my question really is, are there just some bad people out there in the world?

Let’s go through this. Yes, I maintain the belief that everyone has some good in them even if take a lot of digging left to bring up but it’s something you don’t lose. Wait – does that contradict my belief…that…some people are just naturally born nasty, mean, ect. I never believed that we were all connected by some form of good; I believe if it ever existed it would’ve been lost through the generations. But we all have *some* love in us right, even if it’s misguided? Damnit I should know this fucking incompetent! Okay, it doesn’t contradict. Yay.

However….if this said “good” is “lost” then…is that what creates “bad people”? (“bad people” going by my definition of a lack of usefulness overall) Now, how is it “lost”? Experiences change lives drastically. That and psychological problems. But can it just be negligence? Ignorance of character? Could a fourteen year old be such a horrible person without experiencing anything all that important (yet) in their life?

Yeah….has to be. So, an ignorance of character is fatal. Of course it is it has to be. Augh. So it’s okay! A fourteen year old is perfectly capable of hatable vileness. Yess. I can hate people!

Ah…so now do I have to explain myself? I hate dwelling on them. I with I could draw the conclusion that I loathe everyone that laughs at me. Or that it’s perfectly reasonable to dislike those that laugh at you. With you, playfully, when you make a mistake, that’s cool. When you’re below them in experience and such in a certain field or overall, not so much, unless they’re affectionate and aim to help you. Ah. Okay. I’m drawing this conclusion. Even if they don’t open laugh at you, just in general those close-minded bastards and sons-of-bitches can go

10:54 PM

 

Use

So....I wrote this earlier because I honestly wondered!

Could you ever use someone? Have them tell you everything you want tot hear becauase they mean it while you spend your time [effort, investment] trying to get someone else to tell you those things [and mean them towards you]? What happens when you succeed, to you and the person that you used?

I just wonder how!! Subconsciously hurting someone and not meaning to is one thing. But it's still wrong if you know you're going to hurt them but you don't want to but you know it's going to happen and you keep going with whatever it is you're doing. It's just...no...nobody deserves that. Somebody wants that person while you're just toying with them and sometimes that person feels bad because they can't go with someone they deserve because you have their heart.


((written yesterday))

She realized she had invested too much into someone....

too much to lose and enough to break her. And she was crumbling.

Well

You know what I realized? Junior year is going to suck for me. I will have no close friends but one then, because they're all graduating. I don't have a circle, never did have a permanent one for over a year and usually not over a few months, I just don't click with anyone from my middle or elementary school. Yeah it's sad. But now I have a circle, a good circle...the most wonderful perfect people ever...and they're leaving me. And I don't like any of the other freshmen!

Sorry for being prideful I don't mean that wow that's mean of me.

I just, you know, don't click with them! I've tried!! It isn't working!

I'm going to be so alone xD this is like the best year for me ever and the lowest for everyone 'cause well, it's freshman year! But I don't know, I can't find a parallel with me and anyone else's life I know, the closest being someone who lost some of her best friends when they graduated but she still has many in her grade.

Well I realized this a while ago, I just vocalized it to that friend I referenced twice today and her usual insults resulted; she is such a negative person :(

More posts!

Perhaps you're wondering why I'm posting so much during Christmas. I don't know, honestly, it's just break and I know I'm not gonna be hanging out with any friends or anything like a no-life xD

The friend I referenced earlier who I asked about the group of friends and their pride; she's invited to two parties...but she doesn't know either person well and honestly the relationship's kinda abusive. And I don't know why people throw parties so often with so many people and just get together for no purpose don't get me wrong it's cool but just too many people and having no point's fun when you're all chummy but if not it's just ack...I don't get people....why do you need OH that's why you aren't independent yourself other people are your life....seriously....

Well I hope she has fun. Am I offended? No. Hurt? I don't think so, no, not at all xD. After all I am getting together with friends this Thursday and a closer group later :) I am fine...

Well, let me elaborate in the next post.

Is someone..

So I forgot how I phrased this really good question just five minutes ago...well, the beginning of it.

"...............for who they are, or for who they want to be?"

instead of the ".............." let's try

"Do you like someone.........."

"Do you respect someone........"

"Is someone proud of who they are, or for who they want to be?"

"Does someone like themselves...."

THAT ONE ^

the last one. But any of them could apply.....

My pride

I guess I should answer the same question I asked you. What is my pride?

I guess you could say...

My pride is who I am. Who I wanted myself to be and who I'm working towards and also who I am at this age. My maturity, my reckless ambition and strong passion. My social standpoint. Literally, in how I look outwards and where I stand. Who I can be. Violin I suppose, and Tenor Sax. Marching Band. My marching skills and responsibility. Emotional attachment. The ability to bond easily. An open mind. My friends. The ability to cry. The skills and talents I have been given and my abilities.

What is your pride?

Today I totally wasn't thinking and asked my friend concerning some people,

"What is their pride? Like everyone has to be proud of something even if it's simply existing to really live so what's theirs? 'Cause I honestly don't know."

and she kinda doesn't have one and is similar to the people I was referring to because she's insecure too and kinda fake, but it is what it is. And she said "I don't know." so I went on

"Well, what are they most happy doing? What gives them joy, what do they love to do? Oh...it's hanging out with each other isn't it that's all they've got, their group...that's their life and pride."

And she said, "No, they really all hate each other but it's all they've ever known so they're not splitting up."

And I went on about how stupid it was, because a lot of "best friends" hate each other and they've had the same group since elementary school, and if they hate each other they need to get away and stop becoming more fake because of it and start speaking english, being open, and being decent again it's just frustrating...very much frustrating....but it's not really related to me besides the fact that I see them every school day.


So, what is your pride?

~

Elaboration on a Love Journey

I remember being younger and having "a crush" on someone, which was always silly and there's two ways I could diverge from that statement. Let's go with what I'll forget more easily xD

You know how you come up with scenarios in your head, fantasies maybe although that can give all the wrong connotations, little stories that would be "perfect" if only for a day? And you knew they were silly and if you told anyone else what your silly little brain conjured up in the late hours of the night before you fell asleep it'd be embarrassing? (not that it's dirty?)

I don't know whether this is something specific to a personality or role one would take on in how they put themselves across to new people, in a relationship, or who they make themselves to be. But, was it always, in those silly little dreams the subject of your interest obligated to you? You saving them? Them being hurt and you sacrificing yourself or something for them - because honestly you would? But it was never them saving you. You never felt good enough for them, or even if you were you know they didn't think so and so you'd have to prove yourself? So that's why you put them in pain, hurt, injured, incompetent. Because you wanted them to see you as the same as them because you were, weren't and wanted to be, or were better. But they thought you weren't and so that's why, you had to lower their pride so that they'd accept you.

Then again at that age it wouldn't have mattered; you couldn't really date them (and it would've been stupid to), and were you really going to marry them? But then again dating is practice for marriage...all the same just no. So, what could you have done? Before the age of puberty it was pretty innocent, well, depending on how naive you were xD and after that wouldn't you feel guilty? ((I apologize for only being able to address a limited audience)) And so it didn't matter if you "like" someone, you'd get over it soon and you knew that; at least, that's how I saw things (when my mind wasn't blowing things out of proportion). <- that was the second way I could've diverged and I shall elaborate.

So then now when you can date, whether it's secretly or not the terms don't matter so much to this point (although they do matter a great deal). And decide you want to, which makes all the difference - please don't be one of those people in high school looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend, that's silly, just be yourself and have friends >_< anyways those people are...I don't have too much respect for them. But either way myself personally I do not want to date yet; I am more than content with my upperclassmen friends and though they say I won't be single by the end of this semester I will be I know, because I'll keep it that way. And things change, now that your "fantasies" are more...realistic? No, not necessarily...I mean, they could happen if you're practical enough. Which is scary and also wonderful at the same time.

Maybe something's changed now with these little scenarios your mind plays up now? Reference the third paragraph....are they still like that? [Just realizing it they might as well be if you're still insecure and don't really have the best of closests relationships with the subject] then I can't help you that is your mistake. But say, you and your best friend who started out in a bit of a flirting relationship from the start expressing interest but at the same time talking to each other about other people you were interested in....weird relationship....but let's just say you're best friends who tell each other everything and talk every day and trust with your lives. And you guys were kinda done, then you weren't...you kept on going and ended up kissing one day......well actually ignore that that's weird but basically you two love each other, purely, but you aren't together. And it's kinda irrelevant that now you can come up with those little scenarios without it being painful because you know you both love each other and would be really good for each other but you aren't. But then when you force yourself to out of lack of sweet talk or something, you can't even imagine them slightly wounded....like it hurts...you can't put them at disadvantage.

Is it because you both already see each other on the same level or this love is real? It isn't going to pass like the other ones, and I say that with the short attention span and emotional capability of a teenager in mind. But still! Do you know what I mean? It's different. Both of you care too much about the other to see the other hurt at all....worry to death about them....I don't know. Why is it? I kind of don't want to over-analyze it; it's so close to Christmas. Well, Merry Christmas to those of you in the east and Happy Holidays!

MEhr

Happy First Day of Winter! Around 4 pm GM Pacific Time today a girl was curled up nearly in tears for she could not wish her best friend a happy birthday in person and give him a long letter of love...and they will not see again until the end of spring unless they both secretly meet up some other time.

So that was a draft written on the 21 of December. I recently made a gmail status saying

"If we lasted a year with this attention span and mental/emotional stability could be last a lifetime? Or maybe I'm being silly......"

I wish....

My friend decided she has a favorite Christmas song, which amazes me to begin with just because why would you do that, but it's also "All I Want For Christmas Is You" which has little to do with Christmas and is that possible? Something you want regardless of anything? It's just....that really never happens. You can want something but it will cause other problems or inconveniences or maybe the other person doesn't want it; you know, it just doesn't work!

But I think it is now....it so is....maybe....

Poem

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "Tapping at my chamber door-
          Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remmeber it was in the bleak December;
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;- vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow- sorrow for the lost Leonore-
For the rare and radiant maiden whom angels name Leonore-
          Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to the still beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door-
Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door;-
          This is it and nothing more."


So I'm trying to memorize the Raven....for fun...

Weird

I should probably do something productive. It doesn't feel like Christmas because of high school this year and our extended marching season and lacrosse and just school! And now it's six days away D: nothing's done in time for Christmas >_< but I also should practice for CMEA and spend another few hours on imslp looking for pieces. That site takes hours! D: orrrrrr I could follow the pattern of my two hour nap and play computer games. But I really shouldn't.

I did end up practicing. That was last night ^

And today, I wore this really weird long hat that you kinda fold back..anyways one of the band moms knit them and sell them for the music boosters; it just so happened to be my two best friends and brother's mom and I wore it so the older one could see, as a surprise. And it's a cute hat just weird, anything but in style but a lot of the girls pull it off nicely. I got a lot of compliments and a lot of sh*t for it, quite frankly xD. But that's expected. I mean, aside from the strange looks, one guy said "What the hell are you wearing? That's an ugly-ass beanie." and another friend said "That's just weird...it has an awkward shape.". My best friend said "Why are you wearing that stupid thing you look like a loser okay." and it was sad, she is such a negative person and I know that people that say those things, I mean, what reason do they have to say that? There really isn't one so it's kinda useless :P I briefly thought about it last night when I decided I would do it, thinking I'd be made fun of for it but it was finals day so I only saw two classes. Still got weird looks from the people in the band room but hey...we're all weird.

Relationships :P

A friend and I were talking before about our good circle of band friends and concluded that if you didn't know us, you'd think everyone's dating each other xD you honestly just can't tell. I believe I scared one of my lowerclassmen friends with how intimate yet silly my relationship with someone who's a senior is. It's wonderful. I love that guy to death, poor guy had an emotionally and mentally taxing day. But I didn't even care, he's my good friend and means the world to me. And generally that friend I might've scared doesn't know what to do with me, sometimes he's making fun of me for my skills other times like today he doesn't get the easiest and simplest things and we go back and forth, and I know my relationships confuse him, and that's lovely.

Honestly don't ask me to define my relationships with anyone it just won't work xD I don't even know how I would begin because I don't know, that's one thing I don't try to define. I don't even understand them myself anymore and it's not that went into uncharted dangerous waters but more like it's open seas :) If you know what I mean?

It's wonderful. Even with all the other stresses and responsibilities there's also so many people that you can think of to put a smile on your face. Always. Always and forever.

Wasted Time

I forgot whatever it is I did but now j have to be in bed by a certain time which is mucho no bueno >__< it's not going to happen. I'm just going to waste time lying there away anyways when I'm not tired, and I can't afford that! I probably should each lunch though. I never do and I'd skip breakfast too if I could. I don't know why I can't do it, i just can't commit to 10:30 sleep when there's so much that needs to be done!

From post to plea

Personal privacy: Please respect. That means do not go through someone's texts! Even if they're your little brother. Especially not if you're just doing it to use it against him. Especially if I love and respect you and admire you and you have no idea how much what you do affects me and how you can really kill me on the inside a lot, like today, especially if you mean the world to me and don't realize it, especially when you can make my emotional state of mind rather fragile. <3, your Shleeners forever

Explanations

I had to do one of those things yesterday, you know, explain my feelings to myself xD usually I'll make a note on my phone and write down what's bothering me and then explain why or why it shouldn't be in 2-3 paragraphs. And I suppose it helps. I figured the same thing applies to physical botherances too; why am I tired, in pain, why do my lungs burn, ect.

My best friend and I agree that If we don't know why we feel it and/or it doesn't make sense then we're not allowed to.

Music

I remember being little and spending like, all my time after school on the computer (and I remember this because I got nostalgic listening to the music I used to listen to: techno) and I don't even know what I'd do. I'd google things, go from project after project wasting time and trying to find something to busy myself with but just end up wasting time...it's so sad. Never got anywhere for so many years.

And I learned today that "Old School" meant 80's music. I wondered if listening to music you listened to more often back then could bring you back to that mentality and emotion you had then- I think it can, at least it works for half a dozen years that's for sure but I haven't lived past 30 years to know how far it spans out. But that's cool.

Sports xD

Somebody educate me in sports med PLEASE. I just need to know what's going on. We had lacrosse conditioning today and ran four 400's, three 200's, and two 100's. And I was the fastest girl there and I'm so thankful I impressed them but I'm really not a runner...at least I thought so. Then my hip cramped up and it's still there two hours later but it's okay then my calf and I just dropped down and died. Ooh, maybe the worse physical pain I know of. Biting your tongue and hitting your hip's pretty bad too xD but I'm just being pathetic, augh....I'm okay, I'll be fine :P What happens in lacic acid fermentation? And what are your muscles doing when you cramp and how does massaging it help and hurt? How does cellular respiration come into play?? D: I'm so lost. Thank goodness next week all I have to worry about are finals :3

Thank you

Tonight was awesome. Jazz band and Wind Ensemble Winter Concerts!! :D And all my dearly beloveds were performing oh they were so cute and pretty!!! And I know they're my upper classmen but still!! Ohhhhhh and I played "Sleigh Ride" with them, where normally alumni and community members play and he invited Jazz band although he looked straight at me (he being our band director) and it was awesome. I'm in love with all my friends. Except for one. She was really rude. She first insulted my friend on his playing, well, laughed at him, then said he smelled and kept making fun of him; it was really immature and rude. But everyone else, oh....there's so many talented people out there! It was amazing. Hammy, Jason, Josh, Nate, Daniel, Jesi, Jordan haha, Tony, Dalton, Emma, Max, Burmeister, Zach, Katie, Amy, Gagan, Shane, Jared, Madi, Kayla, Alexis, Brittany, Arthur, seeing Alex and Sohnjay and Sarah, Scott, just seeing them....Oh! Having the four altos sit on three chairs...and it was perfect like my favorite boys in all the world Burmeister, Nate, Zach, Me, Daniel, Jared, then behind us Max all in a line for sleigh ride okay it was perfect. That and the awesome conversation/debate/discussion Arthur and I had today and Daniel and I poking fun at each other putting away tables and Hammy's whole presence and Josh's too and everything...they're all such good people I can't lose. Thank you Max for letting me play on "Bay-Bay", I took good care of her when you guys were performing I promise. She's a beautiful girl.

Thank you. Thank you all so much. Thank you Mr. Scott.

I failed

Okay I lied. I did do something wrong. I wasted time playing MapleStory 'cause my friend was supposed to play with me but he was playing Halo 4...yeah that friend that told them. Such a waste of time this is why I shouldn't go into video games and never stick with them. I don't know about my friends that play them but I actually have a life to live thank you very much.

Relapse

My friend and I have been having Marching Band relapses. I mean, it was our life and we put so much into it. I daresay (although it's not really daring) that besides Mr. Scott and Jason, our drum major, we put the most effort into it. Effort spirit and just gave ourselves up to it. We love it and are passionate about it. And now it's over and I've cried at least four times on different occasions over it.

But then again you see, both of us are losing all our best friends. Yeah, we have friends in our grade but we knew/know a lot of upperclassmen. And some of her best friends have already graduated and some of my best friends in the world are leaving me this year and next year. Basically everyone I really care about and admire. And it's so sad....imagine your emotional state when the people most important to you in life are taken away. Yeah.

I was never depressed about it, just mopey-ish. I need sleep. I know I said it's been a good few days but it really isn't today. My friend isn't texting me when we normally go non-stop, I believe he's playing Halo 4 and he told just the absolute last person that needs to know how me and him play this computer game and that person told another bad person to tell, his cousin. I don't know. I will get over this.

I shouldn't care. He's busy, he's a stupid boy with video games, besides we don't really like each other. The cousin's cool he's so flimsy I hate him but he's cool, just a little rat. Argh. And the other guy, whatever, he's smart, I don't know, it's okay. I didn't commit a crime and my life isn't ruined. Sure I don't have anyone....AHA

I need to focus on the people that are really important. And usually they're less "exciting" but they matter. My upperclassmen friends and good friends. Who needs boys.

I'm sorry.

Ha

Yes I get emotionally attatched really easy. Yes I also train myself in severing my feelings and putting my mind over my heart.

Yes I worry about people a lot, no your life may not concern mine the slightest bit.

Good

I used a lacrosse stick for the first time today and I don't think I suck :) and I guess I'm actually decently fast at running! It's been good days, minus the homework and benchmarks and finals that are upon us. People have been really nice to me; that or I'm either just seeing from a new perspective or I'm being more appreciative xD

I think it's been a time where I realize I really don't suck at things. And I always knew, it's a blessing that with my family's genes I can be good and somewhat above average at anything and everything automatically. Like Yes as individuals we all have weaknesses but if we put our mind to it we could be the best in anything. And even just starting out something we're decent. I think I've done the opposite of taking it forgranted, rather, I compared myself in each field to someone spectacular mainly in that area, and of course there are so many people with 10x my ability. Like when someone would give me a compliment I'd instantly think "Ooh, no I suck! Really I'm horrible! (Insert caption specific to skill) there's so many people much better (give example)" and then they think "Well if you suck what do you think of me??" And I don't even think of it that way, ya know?

At the same time I'm taking on more than maybe I should. Maybe. I know my life revolves around music but I wanted to be well rounded so I told myself to take a sport: Lacrosse. And I'm doing five CMEA Solo and Ensemble Pieces....it's a thing where you prepare a piece and there are judges that give feedback and rate you and if you get the highest ones you move to state. It's just a good opportunity to perform and self-improve. Two solos (Violin and Tenor), one duet (Bach Double Concerto) accompanied by a friend too so maybe trio(? xD who knows), one string quartet, and a duet with another Tenor player.

I'm very honored to play with four of my school's best musicians. It's great. Nate, who's not even possible to comprehend on tenor, Daniel, who's amazing at music and playing piano, Ronnie, my concertmistress and this sick violinist, and Alicjia (I think that's how you spell it) on cello who has so much potential I wish I had the money so she could have private lessons! And I promise not to let them down.

People!

I like those people that ask, "What are they doing with their lives?!" because it's never obvious to any of us but they have a goal plan and purpose and it's wonderful to see the reality of that. The fact that they know where they're going and if not who they want to be, then at least who they don't want to be.

And people open to knew relationships <3 namely friendships I mean what else there's a whole myriad of those. It's just wonderful and makes you want to be alive!

Loathe

You know what I realized I hate? Despise? Feel absolutely no pity for but only the highest level of dis-contempt?

(We could go into how I shouldn't be allowed to feel this way towards anything, being such a lower form of life myself, I am not worthy or higher than any such life to feel an emotion such as this.)

People who aren't they're own individualistic, independent, person. They are the worst. People who are insecure about everything about themselves and probably have good reason to be! People who cannot be their own person and make their own life and are manipulated and won't be someone who will contribute to the better well-being of society and instead are dead-weight. People who are so flimsy, unoriginal followers that lie to screw with someone's feelings and not to protect someone else. People who don't have a life direction.

I'm thinking of one person as I write this and I do love him, I have a soft spot for his existence as depressing as it is because he's so charmingly incompetent and yet disgusting. So I shouldn't. And from now on I won't. I'll just get along with him for as long as I have to.

But I just loathe those people. Augh.

I guess, being socially inept is not the worse thing in the world by far, no, perhaps those people are smart, very smart, in a way....

Vulnerability

I guess I was feeling vulnerable that night. Well I always am. I hardly ever need to put my guard up I feel. But, I don't know. Right now, well, okay, go before last night things were going pretty good for me. But in two years, all my best friends, mentors, the people I love and respect most will be gone. Graduated. Forever. I can't.....can't deal with that. I love them more than anybody in my class and ever will. Okay that's close-minded. They're just so much more mature, so much better....competent.

~

Do you ever feel safe? If just for a moment? Like nothing important’s going to change anytime soon and you’re fine, life is good. But you feel safe at the same time. Everything’s going to change. Everything I love and hold dear can be taken away. My best friends are going to leave me when they graduate. One of the people I love most, my best friend, sure, love interest, that’s never going to happen. I’m his second choice anyways. Always being overlooked by those I love most. Everything that matters is fading. And what will be left of me?

Letter of Expression

I haven't read this since I wrote it on December Fourth, but I finally have the internet to post it. Mr. Scott is my band director of whom I deeply love and respect. I really don't want to read it in fear of the surge of emotion it will bring and the surprise at how audacious I probably was. But it's worth something.

~

I think one of the worst feelings in all the world is the feeling you get when someone you deeply respect admire and/or love overlooks you. Similar to underestimating you but they just don’t see your talent, potential, time, effort, everything you’re putting in all the dedication and care. They just don’t see and maybe you’re better than them but nobody important sees it that way. So they keep overlooking you and it’s horrible because you admire them and respect them but they just don’t see you for who you really are. So then, you have to respect them less. You don’t want to, but you have to, just because they’re not seeing you for who you really are and it hurts so you place less value on them. It’s so sad. Even worse when you do so much but one of the people most important to you thinks you’re a bit of a problem and dislikes you. I think this is something I’m doomed to struggle with for the rest of my life with peers and teachers.

Namely right now, my band teacher and several upperclassmen peers. I just don’t think Mr. Scott likes me and I don’t know why. I’m ambitious….let’s see what would I tell him right now if I saw him? Mr. Scott, I think you understand I’m a terribly ambitious, determined, and driven person to my passions. I would not do something if I’m not going to give 110% to it so it is hard for me to respect people that give less than their best in anything, especially something I really love. I don’t think you know how much I do for the section. Or how much I put into marching band. I really do put my mental focus there and want to improve. Which is a lot more than you can expect from most people. You don’t know how much I beat myself up for making mistakes whether I show it or not. I believe that if you aren’t going to put in the effort to achieve perfection then you shouldn’t be there, period. I don’t think everybody puts in enough mental focus or care. I love so many people unconditionally and somewhat irrationally but it has not affected my own performance. I believe I am one of the most dedicated people you will ever meet and please do not take any of this as cockiness only confidence. I’m not confident in myself that I will be perfect but I know I will give more than my best and I can achieve excellence regardless of what it takes. I will not go into Max and who’s really our section leader and what happens during sectionals. But I want you to know that I have the dots of every low saxophone memorized with mine – because they couldn’t be counted on to remember theirs in the beginning so I made it a point to memorize theirs. It has helped. I hope that my spirit is contagious to them but it’s unlikely; they’re some of the most complacent people I’ve met. I hate complacent people. And people that don’t give their all really. Even if it’s just a thing like changing out of jeans it’s an honor system seriously. Some people do not need to give their best effort to achieve a higher level of performance than our band is performing at – which seriously isn’t hard but there is always room for improvement. Again, it is the worse feeling in the world when all your behind-the-scenes work is missed by the people you respect most. And more than anything this is a promise I want your trust and respect and I just don’t think you see me for what I really am. If I were giving grades to this group most people would have C’s. Mainly I can only speak for my section as I know them better than the others. And I cannot dislike them for all the time I spend with them but you have absolutely no idea how much I’ve worried about them for the past three months. Sometimes all the wrong people get the credit and recognition and sometimes good people do. Sometimes wrongs are pinned on the wrong people and favorites almost never go as they should. If it weren’t for some of my upperclassmen friends with whom I share a lot I think I would’ve died from worry and the frustration of always giving my best, covering for others (that is so huge…it really hurts when the person you’re covering for and the person you’re covering them from doesn’t notice), and every little behind the scenes detail gets overlooked. I told myself I would not let this bother me, because it’s not going to get me anywhere but sadder and I guess closer to the reality that things will never change and I am stuck in this position. It’s enough to make me cry. It has xD especially the subject of favorites and why…really a teacher cannot know us at all just by what they see of us; closest to being able to being English teachers. But you must know that I pour my heart and soul out into music and marching band and it means the world to me. It would mean the world to me if someone recognized it. By recognized it I mean saw it. Realized it. Kept it in mind. That’s all I’m asking for. Perhaps this came off as a super cocky letter. Please don’t think of it that way because it really isn’t. It’s more like a wounded cry, and wail of distress, frustration even, and the need to set things right. Feeling like you’re being underestimated and overlooked should not hinder anybody. At the same time I believe that it is appropriate to be very hard on those not giving their best until they do. Anything you do will be emotionally taxing if you put your heart into it and I know many people aren’t secure enough to even be themselves. But I believe that those who aren’t giving everything should either do so or quit for the good of everyone. Everyone is incompetent to some degree but there are levels of high achievement we can all achieve if we put enough into it – at different levels. I never understood how some musicians don’t have a sense of time – but I guess I took it for granted. Now that I learned a lot of my friends can’t keep time naturally it’s a strange thing, but see they try very hard not to let it show, and it doesn’t. I myself have many incompetencies, one of them being worrying too much. Way too much. Fixing people and things I can’t. And caring about certain teachers and certain upperclassmen’s opinions too much. But I do believe if I set my mind out to do something I can. Like all-state. Yes I’m very incompetent at violin, I am horrible. But I tried my absolute best and gave it more than I really had and I believe it paid off. Although I am I should not be ashamed of my audition because I gave it all I had. I just hope you aren’t disappointed in me. In the times when I am ahead perfection can always be achieved. Once that, practicing longer periods of mental focus are quite important. So everyone should be performing at a high level. And carrying themselves in a respectable manner. It’s hard to have respect for someone that can’t carry themselves appropriately. I don’t know if I should tolerate them at all. Sometimes leadership is misguided and very incompetent. Other times certain individuals will shine. I’m really sorry about my frustration but somebody had to tell you. Maybe I should go into Max. I can promise you on my life, honor, whatever, at least 70% of the time we played our show music or ran through stands tunes it was because I started it, either by playing and motioning for others to join in or formally starting it. Max was never quite that organized. And when he’s late we’d be in concert arcs playing. Once we had a joint-sectional with clarinets. I started the whole group playing while our two junior saxes played loud dissonant notes to try to throw us off. And honestly the days when he’s not there sectionals are a lot smoother. We never work on technique, marching or playing, clean up any areas, memorize things (on my life I have everything memorized better than him) or work on some much needed areas in marching. I believe we should have dot book checks and dot books should be able to be interpreted by another person if you told them how. That we should unify articulation and style and clean up marching technique. Know music front to back as well as common starting points within the song. That we should work on tone and breathing (which he did work with us on twice) and especially just marching. I think we should be able to call people out. It does hurt but it fixes the problem quickly. And high mark time and up four down four, those are very helpful. I believe cadences should come last and if we are going to rehearse them and take up sectional time with them it should be notated on paper and approved by Mr. Scott. Of course, this year has been the opposite of that, sadly. For the love of all things good this isn’t related to awards night. I don’t think favorites did come into play with that but please don’t play favorites; it hurts all the wrong people. You could even just say it hurts.

I will read this later and be surprised I’m sure. It’s okay. It’s how I honestly feel/felt/hope not to feel anymore. Please believe in me. Everyone needs that. I respect you more than you think…please. Thank you very very much. You really are one of the greatest influencing factors in my life whether you take that as a responsibility, compliment, or don’t even care…but sometimes I don’t know what to do with this and I feel like sharing information and communicating the truth is very important. I’m also sorry at how horrid I am at violin I really do try and sax even if it’s only been a year I’m trying…I promise.

I must start my homework now…it’s been 45 minutes. Thank you.